Why is this article on directed for men? Is there something wrong with a woman not being married?

Bella, I'm usually a fan of yours, but frankly you come across as a little mean-spirited and defensive in this one. Obviously this guy isn't a researcher but it doesn't sound like his book was meant as a scientific or philosophical treatise on being single. Just a guy curious to talk to other guys about being single who was nice enough to share with you because he valued your opinion. (By the way, I'm not the author! and never heard of this book before.) And here you are making a fool of him. But I think it's backfiring: your arguments are ex post facto, people "choose" to be single just as often as they "choose" to get married ... either way they justify and reason about their actions after the fact. I was single long past most people my age, happy enough without anything feeling missing, passionate about work and solitude and reading and all that, and then I met someone, we clicked, and got married. It's that simple. I don't think anybody's bothered by the fact that you're single except for you, but I guess that's your schtick?

I know this book was geared more towards men, but as a woman I have the same problem. I live in Kentucky (bible belt) and I get asked if I'm married and when I say no I get looks like there is something wrong with me, or I hear "you'll meet the right man eventually". I get this and I'm only 29 and people around here act like there is something wrong with a woman being single and independent. I also get a lot of comments about not having children, and about the fact that I don't want any. People in this area assume that the only things women have to live for is getting married have having children. It has gotten so bad that I have even told people I'm sterile and that is why I don't have kids. I enjoy being single, I mean I'm in a committed relationship and have been for 3 years now and I don't want to get married, there is really no reason to (at least to me) there is nothing you can do married that you can't do single. Well I don't get tax breaks and cheaper car insurance....*shrug* but who cares

This review and your comments are very disappointing. I agree with "Not So Fast" above, the only difference is "I read this book". While I would like get on my soap box and defend this book, I'd rather focus on your Q&A and Examples. First, I assume that you know a little about online surveys? Most aren't meant to be free form where you can mention how much you love your brother or describe the wonderful ocean view from your window. My question to you is this...what relevance does that have when collecting statistical data? The list could go on and on..."I hate my sister", "I have a mountain view". Then you keep posting examples and stating "What (if anything)is wrong with that?" Well, I don't remember the author ever saying anything was wrong with these men. And in your EXAMPLE 7, was it Ryan or the author who made that comment (I wish I had the book in front of me...but I bet it was Ryan who felt that his path distracted him from focusing on a relationship - not the author). Then in reference to your EXAMPLE 10, what is wrong with like minded people coming together? If you have two people who both feel no need to ever get married, don't you think they will save a lot of the heartache and pitfalls that some people run into when one wants to get married and one is of the firm belief that they never want to? Wow, Bella DePaula, your insight isn't very intelligent or enlightening. But, this is your forum.

"There is no place to tell him that I enjoy socializing and I also cherish my solitude, and as a single person with a place of my own, I can have both" Hm. So I'm not okay because I don't have a place of my own? ;)

I think this book sounds like a curious bit of fluff for a cafe coffee table. I'd never buy it myself because, as you point out, it's brimming with insecure stigma. I'm 40, single and content-ish (not particularly happy or sad about it). Other things, as you say, make us "feel".

If I wrote a book, "Finally! Childless, Happy, Rich Man With No Responsibilities Whatsoever!" - and filled it full of positive comments on how I like to serially date women and make money - would that be considered reactionary?

Let him write. It's extremely hard to get published and extremely easy to criticise someone who is.

"I read the book too" wrote "what relevance does that have when collecting statistical data?" A ton. One of the first things I learned in a marketing research class: GIGO. Garbage in, garbage out. How you ask questions and what you ask is extremely important. Given what Weisman was trying to find out, open-ended questions would make a lot more sense than multiple choice. The data collected with an online survey is not going to provide any statistically representative data, so you might as well use it to explore the subject in more depth (by at least offering open-ended options). Bella showed in this post that Weisman (unintentionally) biased the survey by the way he asked the questions. This bias influences the answers he got and the conclusions he draws from these results.

And "not so fast," I don't think we're bothered by being single. We're bothered by the singlism thrown at us that tries to imply that there's something wrong with us. And, yes, we do internalize some of those messages, which can bother us, too. This makes it even more important to point out how the assumption that marriage is the best way to live is trickling into a book that purports to accept that marriage isn't for everyone...

I was reading my niece a bedtime story and the fairy tale actual had princesses asking the main character Princess Bubble that question!

I just cracked up! The princess was also told she would wear her bridesmaid dress again.

I guess the next generation will be ready to be single and older thanks to stories like Princess Bubble.

the real problem I have with this question is something a little different than what bella addresses. Bella's answer is "because I don't want to be." Which is great, but the problem I have with the question is that it calls for a REASON to explain something that might not have a reason. I don't care if I get married or not- if I meet someone I want to marry, then yes I will want to be married. But if I don't meet someone I want to marry, then I'm happy being single. When you ask "why aren't you married?" it's 100 percent a choice, and it also assumes that marriage is the goal, not the person you want to marry, so everyone should just marry whomever they happen to know who is single. How can anyone want to get married if they don't have someone they want to marry? I didn't start dating until I was about 24 or 25 and the first guy I dated kept asking me "why" I hadn't- is it because I was raised catholic? was it because I was too into my studies in college? was it because I was too shy? No, no, and no. I don't know WHY I didn't, I just DIDN'T. No one I was interested in happened to be interested in me, and I wasn't interested in anyone who was interested in me. The point is, some people, for whatever reason, just don't happen to come across a person they want to marry or get together with them. And that has to be acceptable. In fact it should be MORE acceptable than just picking anyone off the street to marry, which is sadly, not the case in our society. When someone asks you "why aren't you married" answering "because I don't want to be" is great but answering "I dunno, why should I be?" should also be a good answer.

My experience with being single is analogous with being a social misfit. The emphasis on procreation seems a little out of place in a world with 6.5 billion people of which only a fraction have adequate food and water. However, the fact that I've come to accept is that the "proper" thing to do is to get married and have children. If you do not, society will make you pay. I'm 43 years old. I've never married, and I've only cohabited for a few years of my adult life. I was active in the Boy Scouts as an adult leader until the community made it clear that they did not trust a single, adult male with their kids. Obviously, there must be something wrong with me. There are times when I start to buy into that rhetoric, and it can take it's toll. I'm a reasonably sociable person. I enjoy spending time with people, on my terms. I can say, without reservation, that I am the most honest, conscientious person I know. I am sure I'm a good person, and all of my friends reassure that I am. I lead a very productive life and I give back a great deal to my community.

The point I'd like to make, here, is that this barrage of negativism and suspicion towards single men is not harmless. It can be psychologically damaging and socially and financially limiting. When I worked at IBM, I was told I would get larger pay increases if I had a family to support. The benefits package was largely tailored to suit families. I was asked not to take vacations when they would conflict with another employee who had a family. And, of course, I've always paid more in taxes. Some people have actually suggested I get married to reduce my tax burden. ?????

Ok, I hope I've offered some insight into my experience as a single male. The lifestyle itself is fine, but dealing with the stigma can be quite frustrating.

You've captured so many important points about why singlism matters so much. I've noticed for years how people simply want to dismiss singlism as unimportant. I thought about that for a long time, then decided to open my book, Singled Out, with a thought experiment. What if all of the ways in which singles are stigmatized and discriminated against were reversed, so that the targets of the inappropriate treatment were married people? I doubt that marrieds and the media would find that dismissable.

Some of the things that have happened to you should be illegal.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I doing what I can to challenge the widespread bias against singles, and I think others are doing the same. So maybe things will eventually improve.

As a single woman, 45, I can totally relate to the other comments here about being asked this question with a tone of suspicion. I have great values, am responsible and am on an ongoing path of spiritual and personal growth striving to expand my consciousness. I am attractive, fit, self-employed and own my own home.

The "why haven't you married yet?" question causes me pain that I try to mask with a witty reply, however inside I want to scream if one more person asks me this. I have dropped out of the dating world about 9 months ago since a break-up. (And its not my imagination that when I was dating someone my social status was elevated... that is the society we live in!)

What I have the least patience with are married stay-at-home moms -- many of which have the luxury to live a very comfortable lifestyle, one I will probably never be able to afford without a hubbie's corporate gig. These women take their lifestyles for granted and babble on about petty things that junior did, or how busy they are, or whine about some trivial item. Meanwhile I take my own car into the repair shop, fix my leaky tub by myself, fund my own retirement, pay for my own health care as a self-employed, etc. etc. I would like to see them accomplish a fraction of what I do (so maybe we should be asking "what's wrong with THEM?". Of course I would like to meet my soul mate and share a life with my beloved, but that is a matter of luck at least to some degree. That makes insensitive remarks by those married folks -- who were lucky enough to find their partners earlier in life -- all the more painful. I guess I should be laughing, but there is such a slant towards marriage and kids in this society and there seems to be no safe place to hide from the question that I find it difficult to laugh. Sadly the stigma is only going to get worse as I age.