I suspect the disconnect may be owing in no small measure to projection on the part of the many miserable married folks -- especially those with children -- who envy and resent single folks, making their lot easier to endure by participating in the widespread myth that single life is worse.

The disconnect can be attributed to so-called matrimania - the peddling by societal and government institutions the myth that being married is like being given the key to the city: it brings forth riches, eternal happiness and longevity. But it doesn't. To the contrary, I see it as the other way around.

Being unmarried, happy and childfree doesn't fit into the matrimaniacal construct - so society must reject and supress it as much as possible. But it hasn't and it won't - although Bella's book might very well be the beginning. And I tend to see more and more books and articles on the topic similar to Bella's.

I know that in swingers clubs and nudist camps, single men are often not welcome for probably these precise stereotypes. You could probably add polygamists to that list as well.

The perception is that unattached men are disruptive to the social order. The negative stereotypes are a way of ensuring that the single life is made less attractive thereby encouraging men to choose partnership when the real advantage is minimal.

But these stereotypes are deep rooted in many crazy beliefs we have about lovability and happiness so you could really take your pick.

I too have heard people say that being single men are "way cooler" than being single women. Perhaps that's why there's so much more discussion about single women; perhaps it's seen as a greater problem, even though both groups face discrimination.

With the increasing number of single people, I wonder if we'll see a decrease in these stereotypes...

As a former single man (now married), I found myself continually marginalized as I got older. As more and more of my high school and college friends got married, they had less and less a need nor desire to keep my friendship; after all, they were now married to their "best friend." But I think that for single men, the idea that one is single is connected in part to the idea of homosexuality. For some reason our society fears and abhors homosexuality in males much more than homosexuality in females. Male-male friendships are always considered suspectedly gay -- even if only friends, whereas female-female relationships are rarely deemed such. Time magazine once called male-male closeness "gross-out humor" while lauding female-female "action." The other issue is the fact that our society expects men to go after women, while women remain passive, men must be active. Some men just get tired of having to be on the initiative, or they are shy and don't want to have such an onus placed on them, even when many women expect men to be the pursuer rather than the pursued. And, of course, if one doesn't pursue a mate, one may not get one. Also, there are the issues of male earnings and male status and how it appeals to prospective female mates.

> So here's the puzzle: Why is there such a disconnect between the negative
> perceptions of single men and the actual life experiences of those men?

Because society has a vested interest in making sure each woman is supplied with a husband, even to the extent of having government-as-husband programs for women while merely the idea of having government-as-wife programs for men in this supposedly male dominated society would strike nearly everyone as being totally beyond the pale.

Thus social pressure has to be put on males by stigmatizing and pathologizing bachelorhood.

Two quite different sets of explanations are offered for the two sexes being single. For men we have the following:

1) He's homosexual

2) He's commitment-phobic (this is sort of like the version for males of how a couple of generations ago women who wouldn't "put out" sexually for men were labeled "frigid", an unattached male being one who won't "put out" relationship-wise the way almost all women want)

3) He "refuses to grow up" (defining "being grown up" as doing what women want helps here)

4) He's hopelessly attached to mother

5) He's intimidated by smart, successful, independent women

6) He's socially inept

7) He's shy (a weak form of the former)

8) He's some sort of pervert

What all these have in common is that they are basically pathologies of one sort or another. We've all heard them many times. And the vast majority of people believe one of the other has to be true.

For women, it basically comes down to two other quite different explanations as to why she's single:

1) She's picky (this is really a compliment because we all know the opposite of picky is "easy"...)

2) She's a victim because there's a man shortage due to #'s 1-7 above.

OK ladies, I'll make it real simple for you:

I and most other single men are single because we just don't like you. We don't trust you to tell anything even resembling the truth about your past relationships and we frankly don't see you as worth our effort.

Add to this that most of you simply aren't worth knowing.

We don't care about the marriage rates or birth rates or your fake biological clock bullshit.

Got it???????