Living Single

The truth about singles in our society.

Bella DePaulo is author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. She is a visiting professor at UC Santa Barbara. See full bio

Living Single

February 8, 2010

Unfathomable Even to Brilliant, Kind, and Open Minds: The Securely Single

I've been studying singles, single life, and perceptions and stereotypes of singles for more than a decade. One of the most resistant myths is that no one can be truly secure in their single status. Even the most brilliant, kind, and open-minded thinkers get tripped up by their inability to appreciate that single people can be happily and securely single. A recent Psych Today post describing single people as fragile, bitter, vibrator-clutching, porn-watching, and resentful of happily coupled people is a telling example of this. Also, I offer advice for couples on Valentine's Day.

February 6, 2010

Getting Married and Getting Sex (or Not)

The National Sex Survey was full of information about rates of sexual problems. Waite and Gallagher do not have much to say on that topic. Here's some of what they skipped over. With regard to some of the problems men might have, such as an inability to maintain an erection, climaxing too early, or experiencing pain during sex, currently married men have nothing over men who have always been single. When the two groups differ on those measures, it is the married men who are more likely to be having difficulties. Men who have always been single also report fewer sexual problems than divorced men. Among the women, the group most likely to be problem-free is not the currently married women. Read More

February 6, 2010

The Case for Marriage is a Sham

The claim that "marriage is so good" is often based on a widely-cited, but massively flawed book, The Case for Marriage. Much of that book, and the case it tries to make, does not meet the highest scientific standards. Not even close. Getting married does not offer great benefits (except for financial ones, largely a consequence of marital status discrimination), so the finding that many people do not want to marry poses no paradox.

February 4, 2010

Should You Marry that Rude, Stinky, Creepy Person Since You’re Not Perfect Either?

Once upon a time, a reporter for a major magazine declared, in all seriousness, that women should just get married already - even if it means settling for someone kind of repulsive. I wish I could say that it happened back in the Stone Age. In fact, though, the insolent story was published by Lori Gottlieb in the Atlantic magazine in 2008. Today, Gottlieb's regressive singlist, matrimaniacal essay, expanded to book length, appeared in print. Don't buy it - the book or the message.

January 31, 2010

Shame on You, APA!

The Monitor, a publication of the American Psychological Association, should be a respectable source of accurate information about psychological research. It should also be professional. But in a recent brief report of a study documenting the strong psychological resources of people who have always been single, it humiliated itself. It characterized the state of the literature on marital status and emotional well-being in a way that was inaccurate. It gleefully disparaged single people. It ended the report with a more subtle example of singlism, implying that these successful single people were not living their single lives in a positive way, but instead "avoiding" marriage. Consciousness-raising about singles has a long way to go. Read More

January 30, 2010

Amazon Pulls Thousands of Books

Since none of the other PT bloggers seem to have mentioned it yet, I thought PT book lovers and Amazon customers might like to know that Amazon has (temporarily, I hope) pulled thousands, if not tens of thousands, of books from its site over a dispute with one of the biggest publishers in the nation. Plus, what to wear on Valentine's Day.

January 29, 2010

Can You Identify the Tragedy in This Story?

Which of the following rates a media headline? Abduction? Trafficking of women? Vastly disproportional aborting of female fetuses over male fetuses? Forced prostitution? Wrong. It is none of the above.

January 25, 2010

The Happiness Challenge: Can You Be Happy with So Much Stacked Against You?

Suppose you had several major illnesses that left you without a memory of the first few decades of your life, and with unremitting pain, fatigue, hunger, and thirst. A Living Single reader is faced with all of that, and she is looking for suggestions as to how to be happy despite it all.

January 23, 2010

Shout Them Out Here: Singles Friendly or Unfriendly Businesses, Places

Living Single readers are right - it is time to vote with our feet! I'm hereby starting an ongoing list of singles-friendly and singles-unfriendly businesses, venues, groups, restaurants, neighborhoods, cities, and all the rest. Post your nominations here. Also, my plan for my Valentine's Day post is to put together an updated list of the blogs and websites that are best at consciousness-raising and sending affirming messages about living single (and not about becoming unsingle). Post your suggestions for those, too, including self-nominations. Finally, I offer my totally predictable suggestion for a Valentine's Day gift.

January 22, 2010

Yahoo’s Humiliating Headline on Solo Dining

What's wrong with the Yahoo headline, "How Not to Feel Humiliated When Dining Alone"? Maybe the same thing that's wrong with the question, "When did you stop beating your wife?" My colleagues and I have done systematic research on what other people think of you when you dine solo - compared to when you dine as a couple, with a friend, or with a group. Wait till you see what they said about the couples!