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Lots of life feels like an accident, from the actual accident—car crash, lost wallet, third child—to the choices we thought we'd made that were going to work and somehow seemed not to. "Accidents, accidents, all accidents" cried the terrible toy breakers." (Those Terrible Toy Breakers) I haven't read that book to a child since my youngest was young. He's 24 now, in Las Vegas. I wonder if that's an accident. Or an accident waiting to happen. But, boy the refrain sings around like an old friend. So comforting, so blameless, so.... Not true!
In spite of the accidents, big and small, much of life is right in front of us, ready for a purposeful decision. Is it tofu or a burger, a smile or a frown, a left turn or a right? I'm pushing an edge that I've been working with for the 40 years I've been an adult and the 35 years I've been in the field of psychology. The edge is living on purpose/living in purpose/living with purpose/living purposefully... Hard to find the right words.
But what works about this edge I'm walking is that the world looks different to me. I can feel impulses arise (I really do want a milkshake, now) and I am aware. I notice rising feelings (@#&**!!!) and my mouth doesn't open, until I choose it. I have thoughts and pay attention to some of them and ask others quietly to go away. And, on a good day, in an easy way, whatever arises finds itself in line with deeper values and that which is more important rises higher and that which is less important fades. Important does NOT mean what's on the list, the shoulds, the never ending 24/7 gobbling up of our time. What's important is what is valuable. What's important is what makes my life meaningful. What's important is the purpose of my life or my life of purpose.
(In service of full disclosure, it must be said that slipping out of all that yummy awareness and into the throes of the many things that call, pull, kick and scream is more commonplace than I'd like to admit. Ah..... good time to breathe)
So, what is one to do to support a life of meaning, purpose and values: a life that leaves us feeling, at the end of the day, like it's been a good enough day, we've been good enough people, we've lived in line with our values and have little to apologize for?
For today, I'd simply suggest some of the most obvious things... and the most easily forgotten. There's plenty of research to back up most common wisdom, but research is rarely compelling. What is compelling, for most of us, is the experience of feeling whole. Not perfect, not done, just whole in the moment. We know that moment because, in it, we are nowhere else. Where do you find yourself quieted of doubt or self-talk? What makes you smile... or cry in a way that feels resonant? Take a day and notice... peace, quiet, joy, caring, beauty, sweetness, love, curiosity and any other words that bring a little bit of spark to your consciousness. Those experiences are there everyday. Instead of the two second glance at the first tulip, give it thirty seconds. Instead of the superficial hug or handshake, feel yourself and the other person in that touch. Instead of a meal gulped down, one savored. Instead of loud inner voices, quieted ones. Try it, you'll like it. And a little goes a long way.
