Eating Their Way To Adulthood

Ever since my second child Eden had his initial life threatening allergic (anaphylactic) reaction to the otherwise wholesome lunch I prepared for him (organic ground meat, rice, and a sliced banana set aside for a dessert that never materialized since we were in the ER by then) I've prioritized "Food Safety" in uppercase lettering. Unbelievably, Eden is allergic to dairy, soy, eggs, nuts, tree nuts, some beans, some fish, some shellfish, and some seeds. So taste, texture, even nutrition, must stand next in line to his allergens. Though I believe Eden's food is tasty and mostly good for him, despite the "substitute" ingredients and specialized "free of" products.

When one of your children needs to eat differently than his family and the rest of world around him, the emotional context of food frequently changes. When Eden was a toddler we could visit a friend's home for brunch prepped with a faux-bagel drizzled with olive oil and comfortably predict Eden's disregard for the cream cheese or smoked salmon on everyone else's plate. Now Eden is nine years old and having participated in countless social gatherings from holidays and parties to class trips to his daily lunch in the school cafeteria, his priorities have changed. At Eden's current "age and stage" he wants to fit in with his peers. For example, only a few years ago, Eden might have toted a homemade sandwich to his cafeteria on those days the school menu exclusively featured allergic ingredients. Now, acutely aware that all of his classmates eat the school lunch, Eden would rather settle for slim pickings than bring attention to his plate. And I'm told by parents who have older children with food allergies to count on Eden's eating tactics changing several more times in the years to come.

Eden's evolving relationship with food doesn't particularly surprise me. After all, I have a child who views the world through the lens of deadly allergies even while he navigates his childhood filled with guitar lessons, gymnastics practice and the like. He learned to analyze food ingredient labels while he was reading Harry Potter. However, I wasn't expecting for both of my children to view their food as a reflection of who they are — or want to be.

Eden's older sister Dayna, doesn't have any food allergies. Without weight or health issues, she eats as she pleases. Which was why it was odd when a few weeks ago, Dayna asked me to buy her a box of breakfast bars. It was odd because she always claimed that they were "tasteless." When I questioned her, Dayna explained that she wanted to eat breakfast on the way to school. "Well that doesn't mean you have to eat something you don't like," I told her, "You still can eat your sourdough toast if you carry it in a napkin. But why would you want to eat while you are walking?" I was confused because Dayna was never late nor had she mentioned wanting to arrive at school earlier.

"Because it just seems so ... like.... you know..." she trailed off.

"Is it something older kids do? The high school kids?" It was more than a random guess. I had been a school kid in in New York City too, slurping hot chocolate from the local diner as I made my way down the street.

"Yeah," she agreed, "Just kind of like, I like thinking of myself doing it."

So the next day I let my twelve year-old daughter walk to school, toast in hand, though it was very cold outside and imagined her numb fingers smeared with butter. Her journey wasn't about her food. My children want to grow into their changing images of themselves. And eating offers them a medium for new experiences. That morning, I just hoped my daughter's short path ended with the equally adult inclination to wipe and warm her hands.