Should You Share Your Toxic Thoughts With Your Partner?

Sharing your toxic thoughts from time to time can be very illuminating to both you and your intimate partner. Opening up on this level can also bring you closer together. For list of the common, relationship destroying toxic thoughts see my recent post, Nine Toxic Thoughts That Can Destroy Your Relationship

By sharing you toxic thoughts, not only can you better understand yourself, your partner can better understand you. Taking this emotional risk frequently builds intimacy.

One caution to keep in mind: When preparing to share toxic thoughts with your partner, you must proceed with sensitivity. Stress how much you desire to get closer as a couple. Express that you are doing this to build trust and deepen your love by getting working through your hidden frustrations and resentments. Explain that coming up with alternative, more positive ways of viewing your partner is important for your own emotional health.

When you do disclose your toxic thoughts, first stress the positive qualities about your partner. Be specific and ask for the "green light" from your partner to discuss your toxic thoughts. Don't say, "You're a good guy, but I really get upset with you and here's why." Rather, say something like, "I value how many hours you put in and help out with the kids, I also appreciate how gentle and kind you are with me. Yet it bothers me that I still find myself losing track of what you really do because I get focused on what you 'should' know when I need space. Sometimes I feel smothered, but a lot of this may be my stuff. I'd like to share with you some what goes on in my head so that you can better understand what makes me tick, and what I'm working on so that I can think about you in healthier ways. Are you okay with me talking to you about this?"

Jasmine, as another example of courage in the emotional intimacy realm, found that sharing her thoughts with her fiancé Randy allowed her to get past a huge toxic thinking hurdle. She found herself stuck in the All or Nothing trap and doing some serious Label Slinging: "I can never give him enough. He's just a needy sponge that wants to suck me dry."

When Jasmine shared her inner angst with Randy, she was deeply encouraged by the positive results. She told me about this during a counseling session. "I was totally surprised, pleasantly surprised. Randy was incredible. He started to get defensive but I made it clear that I was not putting him on trial. Then he really thanked me for being honest with him. He said he could sometimes sense more attention from me when he was affectionate. He was silently frustrated and having some of his own toxic thoughts. He was actually saying to himself, "She never appreciates anything I do." Jasmine, elaborated, "So when I shared my toxic thoughts, he told me his and we came away from the conversation feeling excited because I don't think a lot of couples really share on this level."

Some of my clients prefer to privately work through toxic thoughts in their own mind. Do what works best for you. The goal is not to constantly tell your partner about every thought going through your head. You certainly don't want to call your partner while she is in the middle of a meeting and say, "Honey I want to tell you that I'm having toxic thoughts about you right now, but I think I'm working through them! It's okay I just wanted you to know and now you can get back to work." Again, be sensitive to your partner and he she will be much more likely to accept what you're saying as strive toward truly getting to know each other and deepening your love. .

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a psychologist with over 23 years of experience specializing in child, adolescent, couples, and family therapy. He holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the State University of New York at Albany and completed his post-doctoral internship at the University of Pennsylvania Counseling Center. He has appeared on the Today Show, Court TV as an expert advisor, CBS Eyewitness News Philadelphia, 10! Philadelphia—NBC, and public radio. Dr. Bernstein has authored four books, including the highly popular 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Perseus Books, 2006), 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child (Perseus, 2007), Why Can't You Read My Mind?, and Liking the Child You Love, Perseus, 2009).

Image credit Pixabay, public domain