Liking the Child You Love

How to build a better relationship with your kids—even when they're driving you crazy.

Dealing With Demanding, Dependent Adult Children

I have seen sad stories in my office of families with children over age 21 (in one case age 44!) who still are overly dependent on their parents. It can be very challenging for parents to set limits with adult children who have become overly dependent. Read More

It's the economy stupid.

There is going to be a lot more 'adult children' because jobs, out-sourcing and the pillaging of western economies by multi-nationals.

Adult child, married to non-worker, over 30, still asking for help

Well, I feel like a jerk tonight. I sold my house to move closer to my daughter and only today became incensed about how little she has helped me make that move which is done for her, as much as me. What finally got me, a week before the move, is that she is not answering any of my questions about the move. I know she is busy, but too busy to write an email? Admittedly, all my family is or was the same. Except my mother who manage to write LETTERS to her kids and anyone else she wanted to keep up with.

Worse, my daughter has been given tens of thousands of dollars by me to help her pay anything and everything and she is still in debt and married to a shiftless mooch of a husband who has not worked a day in all there years of marriage.

Tonight, I am desperate. Wondering if should finalize the sale of my house, move across the country where she lives, or WHAT! I am depressed, only sleep with Ambien and then cannot wake in the morning, but today I have to because these issues are just outside my door.

OMG, I've been on this planet for over sever decades and STILL cannot do things right! Please don't say get a therapist, I've support their local economy for the last 35 years of my life and here I am still screwed up royally.

You have probably already

You have probably already made the move, you like ourselves have to stop the enabling. We take a chance at loosing our child for a time

Recently my 36 year old

Recently my 36 year old daugher, mother of 2, has been convicted and sentences for misappropiration of funds. She is a case of extreme abuse from the ex husband. Her life now seems to be a life of lies and using us, her parents, as a way and means to subscriptions for TV, phone ..... I feel like a part of me is gone each time I discover we have again been used. We love her but we are tired. The last thing I want is that the resentment turn to complete disconnection from the family. It is the grandaughters that will pay the price. Without realizing, we have been enablers and need help in stopping the enabling. Does anyone have some good sound advise.

If you are using child

If you are using child psychology on grown adults you are being abusive, no matter who what when or where.

Totaly dependent 40 year old daughter

I am the mother of one child that is now 40 years old. She has been making bad choices since she was 17. She does not learn from her mistakes. I have been working for 42 years, the last 20 years for this daughter. I give her almost everything I make, trying to keep a roof over my grand children's head. She has a 21 year old daughter out on her on, an 18 year old son still in school and a 16 year old daughter in school. She lost her job several months ago. She claims she has tried everywhere to get a job, but to no avail. She had no choice but to file for bankruptcy. She still has a mortgage and utilities. I bought her a used vehicle because she lost her vehicle in bankruptcy (a vehicle she couldn't afford when she bought it). To make matters worse she has a live in boy friend that is not of the same race and has probably not worked a day in his sorry life. He stays under her roof, uses electricity and water and drives the car that I bought for her to get a job. She claims that she has nothing for him to use her for (yeah right, free room and board and a vehicle to drive, I know I'm the stupid one because I'm letting both of them use me)! I've tried to get her to give me her bills so I'll know they get paid. She gets angry and says horrible things and tells me she is perfectly capable of handling her own business. I am 60 years old and I'm tired. How can I make myself stop. I have nothing left to give and am hated for it. I don't know what to do. Her house note is less than it would cost to rent an apartment, but I just don't make enough money to pay all or her bills and necessities too. I know I'm the one with the problem, but I don't know how to sit back and watch her loose everything. I can't have a conversation with her or try to tell her anything without her blowing up and crying and screaming. I've gotten to where I don't want to answer her calls or texts because everyday is a crises. It has taken a toll on my health. I have to take drugs to sleep, drugs for anxiety, depression and so on, and I just had two stints put in my heart. My heart is broken in so many pieces I don't know how much longer I can survive. She's killing me slowly. I'm so stupid, I'm afraid I will be on my death bed worrying how she will make it. She has violent out bursts with her children as well. Just recently she jumped on the 16 year old daughter and scratched her up (over money I had given her to pay for her school ring). Since then my granddaughter has been staying with my husband and myself. I don't know how my husband puts up with me. Everything is everybody else's fault. She puts this man living with her above anyone else. My grandson worked and paid for his own vehicle, so he has a way to get away from there if he needs to, and my grand daughter is staying with me. I need someone to tell me to STOP and to assure me that I am the problem and to tell me I have no excuse now that she has now alienated her children also and I no longer need to try to keep a roof over their head. I could go on and on because this is not even half of what I put up with. It seems like the more money I give to her the more that is needed and no amount that I have spent has done any good, things just seem worse than ever. PLEASE someone talk to me.

adult child conflict

My daughter is 27. She has a child that is 5. My husband and I have fought with this kid since she was 17. She nearly destroyed our marriage. Much to her dismay, we are together. She continues with her self destructive ways, never forgetting to blame me for all her problems and failures. Here's the problem...she holds the child over our head. If you don't do this...you can't see him. Currently we are raising him without the benefit of custody. She's off who knows where. She will not sign over custody and the court system here is a joke. We have hired lawyers and been to childrens court. The system is set up to reward parents and punish the kids. I didn't want to have to raise more children, but the thought of him living in poverty is more than we can bear. Any suggestions?

adult children

Is your adult child "guilt tripping" you into giving and giving? Especially if you and your spouse are divorced? Is he or she playing you against one another? Bad enough young kids from broken homes do that. "adult" kids should know better. What most people fail to understand is that NO is not a four letter word. Remember this. When your child reaches adulthood,YOU OWE THEM NOTHING! You did your job. Now it is time to grow up "Billy" And Billy can start by no longer allowing people to call him billy Bill,Will,William. I know one couple with a son named Raymond. From the day he was born,they called him "Ray Ray" he is over 40,and they still do. Then they wonder why he will not grow up! When I heard that my first inclination was to stick my finger down my throat and puke! If getting your adult children to grow up means kicking them to the curb,for your own sanity,DO IT! No parnt should ever have to raise a child twice. My dad showed me the door at 18. It was the best thing he could have done for me.

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Allowed HTML tags: <a> <em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd>
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
  • You may quote other posts using [quote] tags.

More information about formatting options

Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., has authored four books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

more...

Subscribe to Liking the Child You Love

Current Issue

Love & Lust

Who says marriage is where desire goes to die?