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Most parents I work with really do mean well. Sometimes, ironically, the fear we have that our children will hurt themselves or make mistakes lead us to communicate with them in a detrimental manner. Here are three types of communciations to look out for so they don't backfire with your child:
1. Injecting guilt
It's one thing to ask a child how he would feel if he were in yours or someone else's shoes in a given situation. Too often, however, parents push this to the limit and try to make their children feel guilty because of their thoughts, feelings, and/or actions. Parents who use guilt to control their children run the risk of alienating them. A client of mine named Loretta (not her real name) used to sling loads of guilt at her fifteen-year-old son Harold (not his real name), whom her neighbor found smoking marijuana. For ten straight minutes, Loretta peppered Harold with statements like "How embarrassed do you think I feel now that the neighbors know our problems?" and "Don't you realize how you have ruined my trust in you?" Harold just became agitated and stormed out. I took this time to coach Loretta to put her wounded ego aside and give her son what he really needed--support and understanding, first, and discipline, second.
2. Using biting sarcasm
You are using sarcasm if you say things you don't mean and imply the opposite of what you're saying through your tone of voice. An example would be saying something like, "Oh, aren't you bright," when your child makes a poor choice. Or, saying something like this to your teenage daughter who asks for approval, "Yeah your outfit looks great if you are entering a look like a tramp competition." The use of sarcasm no doubt hurts children. Sarcasm is a problematic obstacle for parents who are trying to effectively communicate with their children.
3. Lecturing Your Child
When parents jump in and give their children a dissertation on how they should do things instead of letting them have some input into solutions for problems, they are lecturing. Overly directing and controlling your child will almost guarantee that he will not listen to you. If anything, he will do the opposite of what you are trying to get him to do. Parents who tell their children how to solve their problems may lead children to believe that they have no control over their own lives. These children may end up believing that their parents don't trust them. Or, they may resent being told what to do and as a result resist their parents' directions.
So Keep in MInd...
Try to avoid speaking at your child through guilt, sarcasm, or lectures. Lead with understanding so you can speak with her. Check your ego at the door and avoid becoming your child's adversary. The benefit will be that your relationship will be stronger and tensions will likely lessen.
Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a Philadelphia area psychologist who spealizes in child and family psychology and executive coaching. He is also the author of the popular book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child
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