In parenting your child, it is not about whether you win or lose that's important. The key is to treat your defiant child with respect and as fairly as possible. Think about how you may have seen other parents who get "hooked" by the antics of their defiant children. I have seen parents have temper tantrums in amusement parks, supermarkets, roller rinks, and my office. Remember that you as the parent are there to support and guide your child to better places and not bully them.
Our relationship with our parents can be complicated—even rocky. But whether they're young or old, dads are just as important as moms.
The key to avoiding a fall into the destructive dynamic where you become your child's adversary is to sidestep creating defensiveness in yourself or your child. When you and your child discuss concerns stick to the issues. Discuss all conflicts in a calm, non-attacking, concrete, and specific way. Avoid using words such as ("always", "never", or "you should") that create defensiveness. Remember that staying calm, firm, and non-controlling will yield you the best results.
Along these lines, please remember not to be in the mindset of trying to "manipulate" your child into being less defiant. I had a client, Yolanda (named changed here to maintain confidentiality), the mother of ten year old, Danielle, illustrate this confusion about "winning." In our first counseling session, Yolanda told me she had heard that I can "make defiant kids less defiant." I smiled and assured Yolanda that I felt my strategies could help her and her daughter. At the same time, I made it clear that it would be best that she realize that any work with me was not intended to make her daughter less defiant. Yolanda quickly realized that the mindset of joining with her child to encourage less defiance would be far more productive than trying to make her be less defiant. She also realized that the goal is to be a supporter of your child instead of an adversary. This mindset will lower defiant behavior in children much more than being a punnishing adversary who is just trying to win in their eyes.
Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a child, teen, and family psychologist in the greater Philadelphia Area. Dr. Jeff, AKA, The Defiant Child Doctor, is also the author of 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child
Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist specializing in child, adolescent, couples, and family therapy.
more...
She's successful and charming as well as ruthless and calculating.
