Liking the Child You Love

How to build a better relationship with your kids--even when they're driving you crazy.

by Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein

Extinguishing Anger in Kids, Teens, and Adults

Best ways to help children, teens, and grownups reduce anger.

Published on April 2, 2011 by Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. in Liking the Child You Love

Ways Children and Teens (and Grown-Ups) Can Control Anger

Here it is...My list of anger "fire extinguishers" that have been proven to work with kids and parents over the last twenty years that I have worked as psychologist. If you really work them they will work for you. For more ways to get out of the anger battlefield and manage your defiant child, check out my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child

1. Take 3 deep breaths, slowly through nose and out through mouth.

2. Count to 10.

3. Stretch.

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4. Take a vacation in your mind. Where would you go?

5. Avoid saying "should." (e.g., "This should be easier.") Should leads to feeling like a different "SH", that's right ......Shame! Instead say "would like"

6. Walk away.

7. Avoid thinking and saying "Always", "Never." Instead say "sometimes" or "tends to"

8. Exercise.

9. Remind yourself of what is going well instead of wrong.

10. Catch yourself controlling anger and figure out how you do it.

11. Think about people who control their anger well.

12. Picture yourself by the ocean.

13. Slowly tense and relax muscles.

14. Quickly tense and relax muscles.

15. Share that you are feeling frustrated/scared/angry or whatever.

16. Think of happy memories.

17. Give your pet some attention.

18. Take a break from what is frustrating you but be sure to come
back to it later.

19. Remind yourself how your anger will make things worse.

21. Think how others are feeling. This is crucial to learn. In the long run, empathy is one of the best ways to reduce anger.

22. Have realistic expectations (e.g., "Not every kid will be nice to me." "My parents may get frustrated with me, that's okay.") Being realistic about school, parents, friends, mom/dad, and self reduces feelings of being a "victim".

23. Talk out frustrations with someone you trust (Friends, Parents, Guidance Counselor, Teacher, Grandparents, or Therapist).

24. Take a time out, remove yourself from the situation. Helps you cool down and possibly change perspective.

25. Distract yourself... play a game, go outside, read a book, draw a picture, clean out a drawer. While not a permanent solution, this quickly helps ease stress and tensions.

26. Get to know the signals of anger and be on the look out for them (e.g., tight in fingers and in face, feel like want to throw things, thoughts of provoking others who make me mad.) Self awareness promotes emotional intelligence.

27. Think before you act (Ready, Aim, Fire vs. Fire, Ready, Aim)

28. Ask yourself, "What is the worst thing that can happen? This is a very effective way to identify and dispel hidden fears that fuel anger.

29. Know your "hot" thoughts (thoughts that get me mad)

e.g., It is not fair I have to do everything!
e.g., Everyone is bugging me!
e.g., I hate this!

30. Ask, "If I lose my temper, how will I feel later on."

31. Have a laugh. Humor can help diffuse anger.

32. Hit a punching bag (just don't make hitting the primary way to
control anger...this is more about exercise than hitting).

33. Take a bike ride.

34. Visit a friend.

35. Look at the beautiful sky.

36. Meditate (close your eyes and focus on your quiet breathing).

37. Slam your imaginary door.