Christine is furious with her seven year old son George. He is getting in trouble in second grade with peers and Christine is at her wit's end. She's begun to have dooming fantasies about George being unable to get along with peers and make it in any school setting. "I can only imagine how much worse this will get down the road."
Christine is caught up in Dooming Conclusions. This is a toxic thinking pattern where parents exaggerate the negative actions of and events concerning their children. A refusal to eat a meal is distorted into an emerging eating disorder. A child struggles with a temporary fear of the dark and the parent thinks, "She'll never get over this." A week of grumpiness gets blown into, "This kid will bring down this whole family." Said another way, Dooming Conclusions are highly negative, exaggerated predictions. These fatalistic thoughts block parents and children from working out problems together.
One of the ironies of Dooming Conclusions is that they can lead not only to a breakdown of trust and communication, but also to the very event feared by the parent. Al, for example, became alarmed as his son fourteen year old son Sean spent increasing time on the computer, when he was supposed to be doing his homework. Al convinced himself that Sean would end up failing his school year, and lo and behold, this almost became a reality. Fortunately, Sean and his parents came in for counseling and came up with new time boundaries that allowed for both work and play.
Stressed out parents disappointed with their children's circumstances and achievements are at risk of Dooming Conclusions. These projections can permeate any area of the child's life including school ("He's going to fail out and be on the streets"), peers ("She will never make any friends), or home, ("I can't ever see us have sanity in this house having to deal with her antics").
Parents who have unresolved "emotional ghosts" from their pasts are particularly at risk for Dooming Conclusions. One woman I worked with feared that her angry nine year old son was going to end up like his maternal uncle who was arrested for aggravated assault. Once I helped her differentiate her son's qualities from those of her brother, she was able to lighten up.
We all have some emotional ghosts from our pasts. I know a few people who had charmed childhoods; for most of us, life has both ups and downs. Yet some parents struggle more than others with childhood difficulties.
I have seen parents struggle with the after effects of emotional or physical abandonment, addictions, financial stress, family mental illness, body image problems, peer difficulties, learning disabilities and many other types of issues. These concerns, and the lingering anxieties around them, if not worked through, can lead adults to fall into toxic thought patterns with their own children.
Even just growing up with a pessimistic or negative parent can influence you to jump to negative conclusions with your own kids. Please be reassured, however, that even if your childhood was troubled in any way, this does not have to be your child's destiny too. No matter what emotional baggage you have from your upbringing, there is always hope.
One very wealthy father, Joe, with whom I worked, often exploded in anger with his two young children when they forgot to turn off light switches. He had grown up poor and with an often unemployed father. Joe feared that his own children would grow up not being aware of the value of a dollar. Joe got lost in thinking "They will never appreciate how hard it is to make money and they will drain me." Fortunately, Joe was willing to look at the differences between his life and his children's . He put things in a different perspective and worked through his skewed thoughts.
I also recall a mother who was ostracized by her field hockey teammates in seventh grade. When her ten year old daughter was teased in soccer, she became hyper-vigilant . She immediately assumed that her daughter would not learn how to fend for herself. Once the mother got her own emotional ghosts out of the way, she stopped overreacting and projecting her own unfounded fears onto her daughter.
Children rise to parental expectations. Healthy expectations encourage children to strive to be the best that they can be. Dooming Conclusions, however, lead parents to dramatically lower their expectations or even give up on their kids. Dooming Conclusions also create emotional chaos by short-circuiting kids' problem solving skills and sense of personal empowerment.
Try to see your child's positive strivings. Make their struggles the small picture and their strengths, the bigger one. Yes, some children and teens need help beyond you reframing your negative thoughts about their struggles. That said, when it comes to your child or teen, never underestimate the power of your positive thoughts in place of any dooming conclusions. To learn more about Dooming Conclusions and other toxic thoughts in parenting, see my latest book, Liking The Child You Love (2009),
