Liking the Child You Love

How to build a better relationship with your kids--even when they're driving you crazy.

by Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein

What to Look for in Counseling for Defiant Children/Teens?

Helping defiant children is eqaully based on a mindset as well as a set of techniques. Read More

5 Powerful Strategies to Lower Your Child/Teen's Defiance

If your child or teen is defiant, here are five powerful strategies to lower his or her defiant behavior. Read More

Dealing With Demanding, Dependent Adult Children

I have seen sad stories in my office of families with children over age 21 (in one case age 44!) who still are overly dependent on their parents. It can be very challenging for parents to set limits with adult children who have become overly dependent. Read More

5 Ways to Help You Stop Yelling at Your Kids

Here are some powerful, effective tips from my book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child to help you avoid the yelling trap with your child or teen. Read More

Homework Motivation Coaching Strategies for Children and Teens

When it comes to homework, parents get burnt out hearing these hollow and suspicious words: "I did it at school," "They didn't give homework today," "It hardly counts for my grade," "My teacher never looks at my homework anyway," "That assignment was optional." As parents, hearing these words is enough to drive you crazy. Read More

10 Days to a Less Defiant Child

With over twenty-two years of practice as a child, teen, and family psychologist behind me, I continue to be humbled by how complex we all are as human beings. Yet, when it comes to parenting difficult and defiant children and teens, I think we make it more complex than it needs to be. Read More

Getting Your Lying Teen to Level with You

"I'm infuriated, all she does is lie to me!" exclaimed Joan, about Allison, her not-so-angelic fifteen-year-old daughter. Read More

Creating a Powerful, New Connection With Your Child

It's New Years. This is a time to reflect and take inventory of what works in our lives and what could work better. To ensure that we give our very best to our children, it is incombent for us to do this in our role as parents as well. Read More

The Overwhelming Power of Love

Love comforts and heals. These powerful words ring so true. We treasure the precious gifts of emotional security and sense of purpose that love provides to us. Love also calms us down. Love helps us to see the good in ourselves and others. Love can also give us the wonderful acceptance to tolerate what we don't like in others and ourselves. Read More

The Beauty of an Unpredictable Future

As many of the readers of this blog know, my fiancée, Oi Yin, is terminally ill with inoperable pancreatic cancer. Initially given only seven months to live in February 2010, and now at twenty months, she continues to write her ethical will for her children in the message below. Read More

Climbing off the Slippery Slope of Self-Pity

Self-pity is highly addictive. The media bombards us with eye-catching, fear captivating headlines. Moving away from the media, we all know that real life also holds challenges for all of us. We face obstacles and have setbacks. It is true that some of us have less stress and/or an easier time letting go of concerns than others. Read More

Two “Must Have" Skills for Successful Weight Loss

As a dad of three wonderful teens, weight loss coach, former compulsive eater, psychologist, author, and person continually seeking to improve himself and grow, I have discovered a powerful connection between weight loss and two crucial skills: Self-soothing and problem-solving. I am excited to share with you how these two skills helped me lose weight and keep it off! Read More

Four Questions to Help Control Your Emotional Eating

Twenty years ago I started working as a counselor and consultant for two intensive hospital outpatient weight loss programs. This was in the age of Oprah rolling out a wheelbarrow of lard on her show to tout her rapid weight loss. Disappointingly, these intensive weight loss programs waned quickly because they were not the healthy answer. Read More

Parents Stay Aware: Defiant Children Lack Emotional Maturity!

Research on defiant children shows that they tend to lack something called emotional intelligence (EQ). A lack of emotional intelligence is basically a lack of emotional maturity. Daniel Goleman popularized the concept of emotional intelligence, which involves our ability to understand, use, regulate, and manage our emotions as key determinants of our life success and happiness. Read More

Obstacles to Understanding Your Child

Many of the words and actions that you think show your child your understanding actually influence him or her to feel mad or misunderstood. Following are some examples of parents' negative communications that undermine understanding their children: Read More

Be Aware of Three Communication Traps with Your Child

Most parents I work with really do mean well. Sometimes, ironically, the fear we have that our children will hurt themselves or make mistakes lead us to communicate with them in a detrimental manner. Here are three types of communciations to look out for so they don't backfire with your child:

1. Injecting guilt Read More

Six Powerful Questions To Lower Your Child's or Teen's Defiant Behavior

Understanding, and I am talking here about true understanding, defiant children helps them become less defiant, more secure, and more emotionally healthy. This is because understanding shows love, breeds compliance, and defuses defiance (keep in mind that most kids act out to get attention). Read More

Don't Try "Winning" With Your Defiant Child

Yes, parents are ultimately the ones bearing the responsiblity to raise responsible children. When workiing through conflicts with your defiant child, however, don't try to emerge as THE winner. In this context parents often equate winning with an "I'll show him!" attitude. Such parents tend to discipline by piling on the punishments toward their child or teen. Read More

Hot Mom In The House?

Who really wants to be a hot mom? The combination of often feeling unappreciated, keeping up with your kids hectic schedules, and dealing with kids who can be very challenging is enough to make any mom lose her cool. For sure, in this context, the last thing you want to be seen as is a "Hot Mom." Read More

Depression in Children and Teens with ADHD

Recent research has indicated that 2/3 of children with children with ADHD, which is actually a neurological problem, also have a mental health diagnosis. It is not surprising that given the academic and social stresses faced by children and teens with ADHD, they are specifically at increased risk for the development of depression. Read More

Don't Let Toxic Thoughts Cripple Your Relationship

It is widely known that honest communication is fundamental to a successful relationship. What gets in the way?

For relationship partners to effectively communicate, they have to be able to think clearly and rationally about their relationships. Toxic thoughts are often what get in the way. Read More

Extinguishing Anger in Kids, Teens, and Adults

Ways Children and Teens (and Grown-Ups) Can Control Anger Read More

The Missing Link for Helping Couples Truly Communicate

For over twenty years I have worked with couples in emotional pain. When distressed couples first walk into my office they look like the walking wounded. They often cite that the problematic way they communicate with each other is the real reason they have relationship problems. Read More

A Story of Two Heroic Children

Almost four and half years ago seven year old Sienna and four year Derek watched their highly beloved, seemingly healthy, non smoking, thirty six year old father die after a nine month struggle with lung cancer. Sienna is now eleven years old and Derek currently is eight years old. These are, no doubt, two special children who are recently facing even more extraordinary circumstances. Read More

Two Essential Skills for an Emotionally Healthy Life

I believe for all of us to cope effectively in life we need just two basic skills: Self Soothing and Problem Solving. Read More

Managing Your Mindset to Manage Your Defiant Child

The following are keys to a healthy mindset for managing defiant children. As a father of three children and a psychologist of over twenty years, I have found these ways of thinking to be valuable in helping defiant children. Remember, above all, that your own self-discipline is the best discipline for helping your defiant child.

The Two Real Causes of Misery

As a psychologist who has worked with individuals, couples, and families for over twenty years, and being a fellow human being with my own vulnerabilities, I have learned that there are two causes of misery:

1) Overly wanting what you don't have, and, 2) Overly NOT wanting what you already have.

I really believe that it comes down to those two reasons why we become miserable. Read More

Understanding Is More Important Than Love

I strongly believe that understanding is more important than love, especially when it comes to parenting and intimate relationships. As a psychologist for more than twenty years I can tell you that I have never had an adult look back at her childhood and complain that her parents were too understanding. Read More

Anger, Forgiveness, and Healing

I recently attended a wonderful workshop, entitled Anger, Forgiveness, and the Healing Process presented by Robert Grant, Ph.D. Having received training in helping clients who have experienced trauma many times in the past, I was not sure what I would walk away with after this recent training. Read More

Helping Distracted Students Get Back to School and Succeed

It is that excting time when school is starting. Backpacks, folders, notebooks, and gymbags start coming into focus. For parents with children who have focusing and distractibility related concerns, however, this often is a time of added anxiety. Read More