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Susan Isn't a "Survivor" - The How of Relationships
Listen to Susan and Coach Meg here:
http://www.wellcoach.com/flash/cm110301_1.html
http://www.wellcoach.com/flash/cm110301_2.html
http://www.wellcoach.com/flash/cm110301_1.mp3
http://www.wellcoach.com/flash/cm110301_2.mp3
In previous blogs, I introduced Susan. Susan isn't a survivor; Susan is a thriver. And, she thanks God for it every day. Susan is thriving with Stage 4 cancer and is on a journey to live her purpose.
Gratitude for Relationships
In my first coaching session with Susan, she expressed gratitude for the quality of friendships in her life. Through the traumatic experience of a cancer diagnosis, and dealing with the healthcare system, Susan's friendships have sustained and enriched her.
Happiness and Social Relationships
The truth is: If any of us want to be happier in our lives, one strategy for making it so is to focus on developing better relationships with others. Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness, supports the idea that when we have positive relationships, we increase the likelihood of feeling positive emotions. And when we feel positive emotions, we increase the likelihood of being attractive to more people. When we're attractive to more people, we increase opportunities for greater connections...and so on. It's what's known as an "upward spiral."
The How of Relationships
Our need to find and maintain strong bonds with others has, in fact, been identified by social psychologists as a primary human motivator. But, we aren't always as skilled, or attentive, in doing so. Recognizing this, Lyubomirsky suggests several strategies for cultivating relationships:
- Make Time. While those we love are too often the last people that we reserve time for, commit to investing between 5 and 60 minutes more time each week with someone you love. And be sure that it is time that you are really "together" rather than being in the same room at the same time, but not engaged. This happens too easily, for example, when one chooses to watch TV with a loved one, rather than having a conversation about our day.
- Express Gratitude. Research about long-lasting marriages tells us that in those relationships positive statements and behaviors outweigh negative statements and behaviors 5 to 1. This doesn't just apply to marriages, of course. It makes sense for any relationship that you wish to enhance, that kind words and acts must outweigh the negative ones. You can do this intentionally by expressing your gratitude, or respect, for that person more frequently.
- Celebrate Success. One of the most interesting findings cited by Lyubomirsky is that "social psychologists have shown that what distinguishes good and poor relationships is not how the partners respond to each other's disappointments and reversals, but how they respond to the good news." Consider your own reaction when a loved one experiences good fortune. Is there a spark of envy or threat, or is there a genuine sense of joy and celebration? Responding to another's good news in an outward and authentically supportive way does much to champion the relationship.
- Hug. Here's an interesting one, backed by research to prove its impact. A study at the Pennsylvania State University found that participants who intentionally hugged others (a minimum of 5 times each day for 4 weeks) became happier. A University of Miami Medical School study showed similar results, supporting the conclusion that humans are wired to thrive as social beings and that human touch lowers the output of cortisol, a stress hormone, and leads to an increase in "feel good" brain chemicals, serotonin and dopamine.
