First, people will rarely tell us what our most annoying characteristics are (except maybe through facebook's Honesty Box).  This is not because they are trying to be uncooperative, it's just extremely difficult to criticize someone you care about and will continue to see every day.   It's too much to ask.  This is one of the reasons why our friends and family constantly give us positive feedback - they're not necessarily lying, they're just taking the easy way out and focusing on (or exaggerating) the positive to avoid telling you what you really want (need) to know.

Second, even when people do give us a nugget of valuable negative feedback, we probably don't pay enough attention to it.  It usually comes sugar-coated, which makes it go down smoother, but also makes it easier to forget or minimize.  If someone who cares about you takes the not-insignificant risk of telling you something negative about yourself (unless it's in the middle of a shouting match), chances are it's a big thing, and other people are thinking the same thing.  The scene in Nancy Horan's book -- in which Frank Lloyd Wright disparages the tastes of housewives to a group of housewives who are all nodding and smiling, thinking his comments don't apply to them -- is familiar to all of us, albeit in slightly different forms.  Many of us would do well to stop and ask ourselves if the complaints and criticisms we hear from our friends, boss, employees, and siblings, might not apply to us.

So what are we to do in a world full of false positives, and almost no negative feedback?  One solution is to pay better attention - listen for the slight hints of criticism, watch for the signs that we're putting people off. Of course the danger with this approach is that one could go too far, and in the process become quite neurotic.  Alternatively, we could more actively seek blunt feedback, but this is not for the faint-hearted.  For a fascinating story about a guy who did just that, listen to act two of this episode of "This American Life." Finally, when it comes to positive feedback we can try to separate the wheat from the chaff - an unsolicited compliment from someone who has nothing to gain from flattering you can be meaningful, but if your mom tells you you're great, don't let it go to your head.

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Tags: annoying characteristics, best friend, dear prudence, feedback, friends and family, honesty, insignificant risk, loving frank by nancy horan, negative feedback, nugget, obstacles, parents, personality, positive feedback, principle, psychologists, self help books, self-knowledge, straight face