Just Listen

The secret to getting through to anyone, anywhere, anytime

Lance Armstrong vs. Oprah, You and Me

What was Lance Armstrong thinking? And still thinking?
Okay, so here's what we're asking, "What on Earth was Lance Armstrong thinking?" Here is a guess at the answer. Read my lips: "The crime is not in the doing, the crime is not even in getting caught. The crime is in getting caught and being found guilty and not being found guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. It is being found guilty beyond any doubt."

And what is most disturbing and why America has "rubber necked" in their watching of these interviews is the even more disturbing realization and belief that many Americans, many wealthy Americans and hopefully just some (vs many) elected officials think exactly the same way.

Is there a way to earn back trust after such deep betrayal and after you have lied to, stolen from and cheated or cheated on someone?

If you’re the one who has done the betraying read and watch the video of the following airtight formula for earning back trust and follow it.

If you’re the one who has been betrayed, send this article and video to the one who has done it to you and tell them this is what you need in order to trust them again.

Once trust is broken by betrayal, can it be regained?

There is a road back, but it takes practicing the 4 R’s to respond to the 4 H’s you triggered in the other person by betraying their trust.

The 4 H’s and the 4 R’s:

1. To ease the HURT you need to demonstrate REMORSE to show that you know you damaged something in them, by looking them directly in the eye and admitting you’re truly sorry, with no excuses (this is the stumbling block for sociopathic people like Armstrong and Bernie Madoff, but also for very narcissistic people like John Edwards and a list that is too long).

2. To respond to the HATE you need to show RESTITUTION and offer a payback for what you took away from them by giving up something that matters to you or letting them verbally punch themselves out at you for making them feel crazy while you lied to them

3. To lower their HESITATION TO TRUST you need to REHABILITATE yourself to let them see a new way of dealing with those situations that caused you to stray and that you actually prefer to your old destructive behavior

4. To get them to stop HOLDING ONTO A GRUDGE, you need to REQUEST FORGIVENESS after practicing those 3 R’s for a minimum of 6 months so they can become a part of your personality.

If the other person is still unable to forgive you after that, you are no longer unforgivable (if you haven’t gone beyond betrayal into abuse), they are unforgiving.

It’s clear what is in it for you if they forgive you, but what’s in it for them? When you earnestly practice the 4 R’s above, you enable the person you injured to go from fear and loathing to feeling safe, trusting and even liking you again—and that feeling is called, “euphoria.”

One final suggestion, confront, stop and cut your losses with evil people at the earliest opportunity. For everyone else who are merely flawed, find a way to forgive them, because if being unforgiving takes you over it will turn you bitter and turn you into that parent or relative that you learned it from and you told yourself you would never want to become.

Mark Goulston, MD, is the author of the new bestselling book Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone.

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