Just Listen

I printed this out and have it over my computer at work. It makes me feel better about my insane boss.

Thanks, Mark. Great article. Would you recommend standing up to this type of person or finding ways to work around the obstacles?

My mother is narcissistic. It's difficult enough for adults to handle a narcissistic adult, but it's extremely difficult for a child to grow up with a narcissistic parent. Needless to say, I am no longer in contact with her because of how poorly she treats people, including myself.

I have been married to my narcissistic husband for 23 years and I am to tell I want a divorce because I have been putting up with selfish, childish ways for most of our married life together. I am the one who is always the sacrificing partner in this marriage, I have to always give in to what he wants and he is a needy person who is unable to give back true love and affection when given to him. He favors one grandchild over the others he actually has nothing to do with the any of the rest of the grandchildren but only giving scant attention to the favored one when he chooses to. when confronted about his childish and selfish behavior he will never admit it and blames other people for his problems. my Husband likes to pick arguments early in the morning as soon as he wakes up and is a chronic complainer about family issues, everything is always somebody elses fault and never is his fault of course he can find everyone elses faults but you can't tell him about his if you do, he goes ballistic. my husband likes to think that everyone else has problems but he doesn't have any.

I really fear that I am Narcissitic,Some of the symptoms are there.
I've always been called self centered,I only truly started believing it recently,after my girlfriend left me for quote:self centered and It's always gotta be about me unquote.
Now I know why people throughout my life left.
I don't psysically abuse,but at times my mouth is the culprit.
neither one is acceptable.
I am a 52 yr. old man,divorced 8 years ago,and just lost a great chance at my girlfriend coming back to me after 3 mos.apart,my self absorption was partially to blame.
She suffers from bouts of depression and when that occurs she cuts everyone off.
Well I was not happy about calling for 2 days w/o her even picking up to say hey I am depressed .
Since we were not fully back together I took it personal.
Please tell me I can get well I can't stand it anymore.
It feels like I have no future.

So your sibling is extremely narcissistic and you have made the decision to avoid them because of how toxic they are. The problem here is that you live under the same roof with them (along with the parents). What happens if the parents are completely oblivious to the narcissistic and simply see you as the problem for "separating the family" because you chose to avoid them? On repeated attempts you fail to get the parents to see what is going on beneath their noses and it all just comes back on you. It seems as though the parents have been so manipulated and see the innocent child as the problem simply for taking care of themselves and watching out for their own well being. I mean we all want to be surrounded by warm and loving people...

I've really dug in on this topic. And Psychology Today has the most articles I've found on this topic in one place. I've read them all, some more than once.

Being frank and open here, I'm seeing symptoms that feel familiar to me.

After working on me for so long, staying clean and sober for 2 decades has helped.

Using a 12 step program has helped with experiencing a feeling of hope while looking deeply into myself.

I'm going to adopt a strategy in hopes of circumventing the inner narcissist. That of the observing responsible party.

I'm making every attempt to turn me into the responsible party, hoping that being responsible will change the outcome.

Victim-ology seems to be a strong suit of narcissists doesn't it?

Be responsible for your place in life.

Your world is but a reflection of your inner ideals and beliefs.

To change your outer circumstances, decide to be the one responsible for it.

Allow no others to detain you on your way to your goal for freedom from being the victim.

I spent years abstinent and not dating at all, and one benefit of this has been knowing when to spot trouble early on. I didn't know my man was a narcissist. We have had one heck of a ride for the past three months; it's a new relationship that was filled with what I valued; he included me in his world, his circle of friends, and the intimate places of his life. I on the other hand, didn't include him in mine because he's married and my friends wouldn't want this for me. Suddenly, recently, he started going ballistic over very small things coming out of left field, nothing I did for him (and I did a lot as a mistress) was good enough or appreciated, he had sexual expectations that he was not willing to reciprocate and it became apparent to me - as I reflected - that he seemed less interested in my life and daily machinations and surely unwilling to acknowledge any emotional response I had to his actions. I just that he was being a superjerk priveleged to have his cake and eat it too. I knew I deserved better; heck, if I wanted a jerk of a man, I would haev stayed married to my own husband! I needed this to be fun!

After the breakup, my good sister-friend told me about NPD and in understanding this illness, I have found a level of relief I had not expected. No matter how valid we think our feelings are or how 'right' we are to get ourselves out of situations that are bad for us, if you're like me, we grieve the loss of the relationship. But there's a sense of comfort in knowing this; he just can't help it and I'm not qualified to help him. The best thing I've done for me and him is to move on! And quickly!

My brother, who died recently at age 58, exhibited signs as a small child, say three. Being the middle child of 5, the rest of us blew him off as kids, saying just "Michael lies". He was, in his mind, always the best, the brightest, most athletic, etc. but never did anything (like FINISH high school) to merit it. He never held a regular job, never paid taxes, but was given to 'pouncing on a persona'. He'd be a college student, a pilot, a cop, an attorney, a stock broker, whatever. He spent hours dressing the part, perhaps researching just enough to try to impress some gullible young woman. As he got older, the claims became more fantastic. He told people at a large family party that he had 'been called as a consultant in the O.J. Simpson homicide trial'. People laughed in his face sometimes but he never changed. The minute we confronted him with his own B.S., he became furious, made physical threats and sometimes threatened people who didn't know that he was a physical coward and, despite claims to the contrary, could not and would not actually fight someone. Problem was compounded by our mother who very much wanted to believe him. In one of his 'incarnations' mom trusted him to invest her money and of course, he spent all of it and convinced her she owned stock by printing 'certificates' on the computer. Mom died a few years before he did, and if she ever admitted what a sick man her middle son was, she never admitted it to the rest of us. We took her to a psychiatrist, who listened awhile and then read the definition of N.P.O. to us. Line and verse, that was our brother. Wherever he found himself, like a dog show, HE was the expert! Would tell me he 'knew more about judging dogs than the actual judge ever hoped to know'! He spent his entire life trying to be what he wasn't and then trying to prove it to anyone who would sit still and allow him to talk about himself. What a wasted life.

I have a 18yo stepdaughter. She has ALL the syptoms, but her manipulation trait is honed to a fine art. Her Daddy simply believes she's the best since sliced bread. She hates me because unlike all/any previous adults in her priviledged miserable life she has NEVER EVER been cross questioned, asked not to interfere/speak when not spoken to, stop lying, be more tolerable of others, not to speak to me or her stepbrother like she does, not to treat us like her personal slaves, etc. etc. I can go on and on and on.......I cannot stand her anymore.....she is making our life a misery and her stupid parents cannot see that this child needs help. She is 18 going on 10!! I am sorry but this was purely wrong parenting....this little girls pedestal was gilded from day one, it now has pearls and diamonds on and the more she gets what she wants and gets away with treating people ANY way that pleases her, the more this pedestal grows, and believe me it grows every day! The stuff of nightmares!!

My wife of 10.5 years I found out later in the marriage is and has been a narcissist for some time. I had no idea until the intensity increased. We are now divorcing. She would fill in and make up stories seemingly out of the blue. I could never sit and talk about any issue. She would constantly interupt me when talking. Lies were also a problem even when you could prove beyond a doubt what was true. She would also draw you into a conversation making you feel sorry for her and then slam you fingers in a door verbally at just the right moment. She would blame evryone and took no responsibility for any of her actions. One issue I never understood is her rash behavior. When problems came up she would leave the house then move back in.This last time I had enough, I cant live like this. Divorce will be final in 60 days thank god!

My mother is a narcissist and I no longer have anything to do with her.

Narcissists squeeze the life out of you. I am slowly growing as a person and am starting to work out who i am in my 30s. For years, her opinions were my opinions. I was scared to speak my mind in front of her. She burdened me with her problems, and ignored my emotional needs. She used me until she no longer needed me and then turned her back. It is her way or no way.

Anyone who is involved with a narcissist don't expect them to change. I don't believe they can.

my brother has had a extremely difficult life and has never thought highely of himself, he has been hopelessly depressed since he was about 4 (17 almost 18 now) he has all these symptoms and more, to the point where he is so ignorant it makes me want to hit him when he tells my dad how stupid he is and gives off the impression of a genius, he is very smart and a talented writer but i confronted him on his egotistical narcissistic behavior one time and hes not in denial at all, he said "the child who always thinks he's the genius is always a genius, people need to treat me like i'm grand, because I feel i'm entitled to that" during that conversation i told him that i cant associate myself with him anymore because its not good for me, and i fully intended to end my relationship with him until he matured, then a miracle happened, obviously he didn't instantly change his opinions but he kept his words to himself and we have gotten along very well since then. a life of medication changes over 14 hospitalizations and a whole life of therapy has led to his insane opinions of himself but for people who are this deep into their narcissism like my brother i strongly believe the only way to truly change their mind is time.

Something about the massive turnout of the baby boomer generation of Narcissists. My husband and I have 4 living elder parents who display this personality disorder. Family gatherings are interesting. One parent pulls the attention away from the other then isolates the grown child into a trap of "listen to me!!!" Both my husband and I have no children to avoid the insane madness of our parent's super inflated egos. Not a place for a child to grow up in and not healthy for us to live with. We both are intimidated by our parents and boundary setting turns into no communication from them because of their perfectness and they see no flaws in themselves. Any thing that has ever come up conflict-wise on separate instances we cower to nothingness with all the NPD personalities and inflicting the lack of consideration and empathy for us. This is probably what brought us together to be such good friends. Almost to the point of codependence on each other. We both have very little to do with these people to guard ourselves from being told how to live our mid-lives! I do not know how couples like them can both be narcissistic and have a surviving marriage.They all are so unhappy with the other that I think that all 4 of them deserve to live with themselves everyday. As a child I was never heard, could never show my hurts, my anger, my frustration until I was an adult in a therapists office. Years of torment of guilt and "do as I say or you are an idiot" messages they sent subliminaly and if I didn't , it was a complete insult to their fat egos. Whatever went on in the baby boomer generation to make these children feel so superior, I would love to know. There are a heck of a lot of 40something's visiting the psychologist to get their heads fixed! With my parents, their view of my sibling and I are flawed and stupid unsuccessful kids that they are ashamed of, and with my husbands parents their children are absolute perfection. A bit of an imbalance of the parenting styles, but I think it is based on how the Narcissist feels about themselves that they project how they feel about their grown children.

I feel like I finally have a name for all the bazaar behavior from my soon to be ex-husband. I have been faithfully standing by his side for seven years while he talked incessantly about himself, it was always him, him, him. And heaven forbid I talk about myself! He would hijack the conversation and turn it back around to him as soon as possible.
When we first started dating I thought the conversation interrupting was just a little quirk that I could deal with or maybe it would cease over time but no, it never went away. I've never been around a narcissist before I have never felt so trampled on, belittled or beat down. I have been in therapy for 2 years now and I finally feel like I have a voice and the problem isn't me...his behavior does not mean I'm worthless or stupid. In addition to needing to be the center of attention he's also the most insensitive person I have ever met. I could tell stories for days about how he has humiliated me in front of friends, family and co-workers (completely unaware that he's doing it!) but I don't think this is the place. I just wish I would have divorced him years ago before he ever had the chance to say and do all the nasty things he's done. And in true form, he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. I just have to say that my heart goes out to anyone tangled up with these broken people. I am lucky that we never had kids to drag into this mess. Sheesh.

Wow for the first time I finaaly have a label for all of the BS I have suffered during my second marriage. It has been three years of hell. I thought he was bipolar perhaps as well. This makes it seem as if there is no hope which I have been feeling in my heart. Sigh I am a true believer in marriage but I am just totally exhausted. I think his seventeen year old daughter has it as well. I know his twin brother has an even worse case. I think having a mother that believes in them as well doesn't help.wow. I am proud of those that think they may have it and are seeking help.