Just Listen

I agree with a number of these points. However, regarding the hand-holding advice ". . . it’s more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way":

The way this comment is worded *seems* to me to be reflective of our society's over-obsession with coupling, at the expense of personal development and and independence. Becoming coupled and remaining coupled is seen as soooo important--in fact, its importance is seldom ever questioned--that many coupled people have felt pressured to settle, are unhappy, and end up getting divorced (which defeats the purpose of the many pundits who advocate couple-forming as the pinnacle of life achievement).

Yes, it annoys me when my partner walks too fast and drags me along like a cat on a leash. I think it's respectful to walk next to someone. But let's say it that way--let's emphasize the importance of respecting another human being, not the importance of maintaining the couplehood at the expense of one's own instincts and interests.

Christina

Glad the FBI still employ the best and brightest. The old lady down the street with tea-leaves couldn't have given more obvious and useless advice

P.S. I think he's lying to you about his credentials

My husband and I have been married since 1994. I'd say we do 100% of all the things you suggested, and we probably have the most successful marriage among our friends.

Here are my personal comments to each of your points.

1) Going to bed at the same time is a huge challenge if you both have different sleep rhythms. I am a night person, he's a morning person. We often marry opposites. Recently we started going to bed at the same time and noticed a better sense of togetherness. I've had to curb my desire to talk about meaningful things because when his head hits the pillow he's dead asleep. He lets me sleep in, thank God.

2) Common interests are important, but listening and adopting each others general point of view really helps too (when possible). Common habits really cements a sense of oneness. We do tend to talk things out until we come to a consensus. We also play World of Warcraft and other games together with our friends. I'd say in general we bend toward each other. One's viewpoint doesn't overshadow the other. We gained this habit when it was "us against the world". We lived in another country together our 2nd year of marriage. When you have to rely on each other in a stressful situation, and work on being a unit to combat obstacles, those habits last a lifetime.

3) check.

4) Disagreements are normal. The problem is that when people disagree they tend to amp up their volume to get their point across. They take it as a personal insult when their spouse or anyone disagrees with them. When has an accusation ever solved a problem? If you can remember that your spouse is a relatively intelligent person on par with you (or you'd be stupid to have chosen them) and that they may have a reason for having done something you disagree with, tackle the reason, not the action. If your spouse is spending more money than you like, find out why, don't just berate him/her for a single action. Assume that they had an intelligent reason for whatever it was that they said or did you didn't like, and get to the root of it. It might hurt to reveal the truth, but at least then you can work around the problem.

5) If it takes saying 7 nice things to make up for saying one bad thing, then you need to get in the habit of _always_ saying something nice. We have a lot of meaningless talk in a relationship, most of it space-filler. Rather than saying, "man, it's cold out today" say something cute and sweet. "did I tell you that I married the sexiest man ever?" Yes, it's cheesy. But if you love your spouse it will come out more naturally than you realize. Trust me, if you tell your husband (or wife) "your butt looks cute today" and go over and give it a squeeze, and make that type of random positive compliment a few times a day, you will ALWAYS be treated with adoration and mutual respect.

6) Can't add anything to this point because it's spot on.

7) See #5.

8) I am not a fan of going to bed upset to begin with. Talk it out. Come to a consensus. Don't be a drama queen and stay angry about something that is a small issue, because when the big issues do come up you will have to double down and do something hurtful if you keep that mentality. ... then see #4.

9) Excellent advice. We've been doing it unconsciously for years. I like how this is worded.

10) I find it's easier to be outwardly affectionate when you are in the habit of complimenting your spouse. Do the stuff I said in comment to #5 and it will come a lot more naturally in public.

Well I'm not sure what's in anonymous' craw today but I'm betting anonymous is married to an unhappy partner.

Aside from all that - this article is certainly common sense - but who doesn't need a reminder? As therapists, we tend to see a LOT of folks who are near divorce who have "forgotten" all of these basics. Or, they think that because they dont' FEEL like doing these things, that there is no reason to do them.

I say, if you are falling out of love, or have already done so, employ these 10 reminders for the next three months. Then check in with yourself and see if you feel at all different. There is nothing to lose.

Thank you Dr. for the sweet reminders of the things I'm doing right and the things that could use some attention.

Funny, or rather not so funny, that my Ex and I did all but #4 and #5 during our 12 year marriage. The result was an unbearable roller coaster. Since the divorce we learned to do #4 and #5, but lost the benefit of the rest of the list.

Lots of things are common sense Anonymous, but civil, criminal and family courtrooms are full of people who ignore or bypass "common" sense.

38 happy years of marriage and I have no idea what you're talking about.....and not a mention of sex hummmmmmm!! And I'm referred to as the alphabet lady...

In many parts of the U.S. and the world it isn't wise to hold my spouse's hand in public because we're a lesbian couple and in some places it's safer to pretend she's "just" my friend than to risk being out.

Too bad she got fat!

My 'ex' and I did all of ten -- and he cheated! Married over 30 years. So sure it works for awhile, but really -- a little more depth might be a little more helpful.

This makes me feel good about what I have with my pooki we do all of that and I'm always ecstatic to spend time. this article just made me feel even more secure about what I share with my beloved. although I'll admit I hate going to the super market because I don't know what he'll be getting next. I always lag behind thank you for putting an even bigger smile on my face. I appreciate who ever took the time to write this.

I'd like to see the scientific data to support the fact that it takes 21 days to form a habit. As far as I know thats folklore and nothing close to fact. Throwing out nonscientific statements on a scientific forum is far from professional.

You can easily do all ten of these things for years and still not make it over the long haul as a couple. There is no mention of one of the more important aspects of marriage - sexual activity! If you are in a sexless marriage (not agreed upon by BOTH people in the marriage) then you can do all ten of these things until the cows come home only to leave the higher libido driven person unsatisfied. In fact, these things are relatively easy to perform even if you don't really love the person or want to share sexual intimacies with them. You can still have an emotionally empty or unsatisfying marriage despite these actions.

And I'll be the first to admit that I didn't think anything about the heteronormativity in the list until I read through the comments and the point that the woman said on February 15th. That's one of the privileges of being in a heterosexual couple, I didn't think about the psychological and physical safety that other couples, be they same-sex, interracial, etc, don't feel on a daily basis. Like one of the other comments, facing that aggression together might bring them closer, but what others see as common sense in this list, isn't so common when being inclusive of all couples. Some people can't display affection for one another in public without being stared at, yelled at, or even assaulted. So maybe this list should be called 10 habits of happy heterosexual, same-race couples.