Sometimes it's about identity

Many people are concerned about security, about a loss of privacy to the Internet and the World Wide Web. I have to say it doesn't bother me that much, although being able to Google a phone number to get a map to someone's house is a little bit scary.

And then we blow the whole privacy thing by wearing our retail identity on our key rings. You know what I'm talking about: all those plastic tags that stores scan to give us discounts--and who doesn't like a discount? In return, we give the stores permission to track our purchases, ostensibly so they can send us coupons for things we buy regularly but, really, you know, to figure out how what kind of feminine products or hemorrhoid preparations we favor. Or adult diapers, in certain age groups.

So there we are, toting around increasingly heavy key rings that rival life preservers and that a discerning observer can read like a book. Look, the more keys a person carries, the lower his or her social status. I mean, do you think Queen Elizabeth has keys to Buckingham Palace and Balmoral in her little purse? On the other hand, is there an apartment maintenance person whose key set weighs less than a newborn infant, and I don't mean a preemie?

Personally, I weed out my keys in a very thoughtful way. Every couple of years, when we're heading on vacation, I remove all the keys I won't use while we're away, which leaves me with maybe three keys: house, car, luggage (in the old days...). Then when we get home the collection starts to build: Mom's house key, friends' house keys, husband's truck key, personal key to a town building marked "front door" but without noting what building; and half a dozen who-knows-what keys, which get weeded the next time we take off.

To this we have now added our real identity, those ubiquitous tags. I have tags from CVS (my daughter's account), Staples (premier rewards), Stop and Shop supermarket (used very occasionally), Especially for Pets (must have been added by my husband and never used), Aubuchon hardware (ditto), and three library cards from three different states (home town library; Maine summer library; and Florida winter library, computer access only).

My husband, meantime, has tags for Especially for Pets and Aubuchon Hardware; CVS (2, neither account in his name); Shaw's Supermarket (2); Ace Hardware; Pet Smart; and Olympia Sports (this for the least athletic man I've ever met).

So apparently with this system it's possible to lie.... I mean, mislead...about who you are. I'm going to see about getting tags for Tiffany's and Saks.

Oh, wait. Never mind. I just remembered that I just downsized my key ring to two keys: my car key and a front door key (not to my house). The only identification tag is from the county pension system. Weighs only a couple of ounces. I think I'm going to like retirement.

Hmmm. Let me rethink my earlier statement about social status. When you have sewage backing up in your apartment at 7 am on a Sunday morning, who you gonna call? Windsor Palace? I don't think so.