There are a number of ways your well-intended, loving partner may interfere with your healing process, without meaning to.
1. He says you are "strong" and you don't need to take the medicine that was prescribed for you.
2. He thinks therapy is too expensive.
3. He asks how long you have to keep going to therapy.
4. He refuses to go to meet with your therapist because his private life is none of his/her business!
5. He's upset because you're not having sex as often as he'd like, even though he says understands you're depressed.
6. He thinks getting more help (babysitter, housecleaner) is an extravagance even though you could probably afford to pay for it.
7. He takes out his frustrations on you or your children.
8. He blames you for upsetting the balance of things at home and cannot separate you from your depressive illness.
9. He tells other people how well you are doing when they ask if they can help.
10. He thinks you are fine even though you have repeatedly told him otherwise.
11. You are reluctant to tell him how bad you really feel.
12. You are afraid to tell him you are beginning to feel better because he'll assume you are "done" and he will expect you do resume previous level of functioning even though you feel unprepared to do so.
Any ONE of these signs may be an indication that your husband is sabotaging your recovery. That does not, however, imply that he isn't an aweman guy or doesn't mean well or is deliberately trying to impede your return to good health. More often than not, it simply means he is uninformed and may not understand the full impact of your diagnosis.
For instance:
1) You are "strong and don't need meds. Chances are he is right, you ARE strong and he's used to seeing and expecting you to be that way. He believes that if he reminds you of this, you will magically be able to access that strength and transform it into healing power. Unfortunately, your personal inner strength has nothing to do with your symptoms. Strong women get depressed. It also has nothing to do with the fact that your particular set of symptoms might respond well to medication. He may be afraid for you to take meds and perhaps he needs more information so the two of you can approach your recovery on the same page.
2) Therapy IS expensive. If you are with a good therapist that you believe is helping you, the expense is worth it. If you are wondering whether you are in the right place or with the right person, then the money will feel like a bigger issue. Do not feel guilty if you believe you are getting the help you need. If you are not sure, you are probably not in the right place.
3) If your partner is unfamiliar with how therapy works, he may be impatient and wonder why you are not "fixed" yet. Be patient with him and explain how this works or invite him to one of your sessions.
4) If he refuses to go, and you want him to, it is your job to convince him that it is an important part of your recovery.
5) Sorry guys, sex is off the table if your wife is being treated for postpartum depression. Once she feels better, she will add that to her list of things she has missed and will soon resume. Meanwhile, it's cuddle time and cozy conversation. Yep, that's right.
6) Additional support is not a luxury. If you can afford to hire help, it will augment your recovery. If you cannot, then take it out of the discussion and be creative about expanding your support system.
7) It is not acceptable for him to take his frustrations out on you or the kids. No matter what.
8) If he is having trouble separating you from your depression, and your discussions have not made a difference -help him understand better by joining a therapy session or reading a self-help book.
9) Some men find it easier to say you are doing well because they hope that you are, or they want others to think that you are or they believe if their positive thinking will make it so. A little of this is nice, but not if it interferes with you getting what you need from him or from others.
10) Again, his denial may be a way of protecting himself and you. He doesn't like that you're sick. He wants to you be well and feel like yourself again. He misses you. But all of his wishful thinking will not make that happen any faster. Learning how to just be with you and tolerating your symptoms is a huge undertaking and one that will go far when considering what he can do to help you feel better.
11) If you hesitate to tell him how bad you are really feeling you need to ask yourself, why? The answer to that question is important.
12) Similarly, if you are afraid to tell him you are starting to feel better because of how he might react or expect from you, you need to think hard about this and what you need to do to communicate your needs clearly.
Copyright 2011 Karen Kleiman postpartumstress.com
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