So by now, we all know that the miracle of motherhood can be exhilarating, overwhelming and challenging all at the same time. Postpartum women often report how incredibly guilty they feel when they confess some of the things they are thinking. "why did I even have this baby?" "I miss my old life" "my life will never be the same again." And so forth.
When Annie, mother of a four month old daughter, said she resented her baby for getting in the way of her life, I decided she should make a list. I asked Annie to tell me all the things she missed; the things she feels she has lost, or given up; the parts of her self or her life that she feels disconnected from. Her list exploded:
1) Independence
2) Spontaneity
3) Time for myself
4) Time to read, shower, check email, rest, without interruption
5) Sleep (!!!)
6) Alone time with my husband
7) Time for hobbies, leisure activities
8) My pre-pregnant breasts
9) Time with my friends
10) My pre-pregnancy figure
11) Time to exercise
12) Money
13) Peace of mind
14) Leaving the house whenever I want to
15) Sexuality
16) Partying
17) Quiet
18) Self-esteem
19) Confidence
20) Traveling impulsively
21) Sense of humor
22) Thinking clearly
23) My job
24) Shopping without a stroller
25) Control
26) Privacy
27) Adult conversation
28) Predictability
29) Organization
30) Enjoying a meal
The list could go on and on. And it's different for every mother. And every father. At first glance the list seems daunting but it demonstrates that even the best things in our lives come with a price. What may not be surprising is that women who anticipate these changes, who understand the trade off and prepare for it, actually have an easier time during the postpartum period.
It's really no wonder new parents feel unsettled. And it's no wonder something so awesome, can sometimes, often, feel so bad. The challenges and expectations during this turbulent time are endless. And the losses are enormous. How does one respond to such demand?
Ideally, a person will accommodate, sacrifice and compromise. Not without an emotional toll, however, but typically, individuals tend to move aside to make room for any extraordinary demand. We compensate. The losses that accompany this adjustment process are a natural part of life, and it's important to remember that while they may be temporary, they are also necessary. In her now classic book, Necessary Losses, prolific author and psychoanalysis researcher, Judith Viorst reminds us that life's most crucial developmental stages are associated with deep loss. She points to the illusions and expectations we all must relinquish to some extent, in order to grow and move forward in our lives.
That's never easy to do. It is particularly hard for postpartum women.
Ultimately, we aim for balance. We weigh the yes's and the no's, the achievements and the mistakes, the pervasive chaos and the rare hints of order, the unanticipated triumphs and the likely defeats. We wait; we hold our breath, we wade through the mess, accept that losses are part of this experience and proceed mindfully through this eventful life transition. Then, when we aren't looking, some of the losses on our list return to us, sometimes the way we remember them, sometimes as part of our new normal. Either way, the payoff is usually worth the wait.
pic: Getty images
© 2011 Karen Kleiman postpartumstress.com
