After my third diagnosis and at the peak of my internal inquiry about all of life's beautiful and mysterious aspects, I was nearly free of the desire to orchestrate. I somehow landed on an innate trust that other people could manage at their own pace; do the household chores how and when they were ready, and the kids could finish their homework at midnight, if they so desired. The overflowing trash cans, dirty dishes and groggy children on school mornings didn't bother me. I let go. I let God. I was happier than ever, even though the house was disheveled and my expectations of the kids-and the entire earthly plane-morphed into an other-worldly standard.

I've been able to hang on to some of that transcendent trust. And yet... I'm no longer able to be unaffected by the messes. My husband is an involved father and wonderful partner in parenting, but I remain the primary assigner of chores and overseer of schedules. And when things don't' get done, I start tapping the conductor's wand with firm conviction.

Today, my 15-year old daughter blew up at me when I insisted the dishes be washed after allowing her hours of leeway. True she had menstrual cramps and wanted a break, which I refused. With tears falling from her eyes, she assaulted me with what felt like years of pent up anger about how much the family has accommodated me due to my physical limitations. She resents the extra chores that have been given to her (there was only one she could name). She remarked that I just might be using my situation as an excuse for not doing more around the house, and how the family has rearranged their lives because of me and my needs.

"This has been going on for months! Years!!" She didn't have to tell me that. I'm the first to notice.

Still, I heard her out and wasn't triggered. I understood what the bigger issues were behind her angry assaults. She needed to vent.

But then she went to the place where I am still raw. "You have no idea what you've put this family through," she said almost in a whisper. "You have no idea."

I felt myself well up with old, still-unresolved guilt. The emotion traveled like quicksand from my midsection, up through my chest and into my throat. My eyes teared. I took a graceful exit before saying something that would make the situation worse.

I called who I always call when I'm crying. "How do we do it? How do we ask our kids to do what they need to do and expect them to do it in a timely manner without coming off as the Gestapo? How come I'm the bad guy all the time? How come asking her to do the dishes set her off so that now she's throwing darts at my most sensitive spot? Am I being too easy or too rigid?"

My friend's family situation is different than ours because her husband is the Big Rule Maker and Great Enforcer, while she dons the role of mediator between him and their only child. But regardless of who takes on what role, she empathized.

"My thing is trying to keep everyone happy," she said. She explained that if she doesn't agree with how her husband is parenting, then he gets mad and thinks she is pitting him against their son. If she caves into something her husband does that's harsh, her son perceives it and disrespects her. "I don't know how much we should ask of our kids and which restrictions are appropriate. Sometimes high expectations pay off but sometimes it makes them rebel."

After talking to my friend and having a good cry, I was able to discern the difference between my daughter's business, and mine.

Mine is to heal the guilt for putting my family through so much. To forgive my daughter for her hormonal rages, and remain steadfast with boundaries when her responsibilities must be met, and in what manner she can speak to me. There are other issues for sure, but that's what came into focus today.

What also became clear is that like most women, I am the hub of the wheel that keeps my family and household moving forward. When the hub is compromised, the entire mechanism loses equilibrium. It's been years since my family took the first hit, but I'm not entirely back to "normal" and my daughter continues to feel wobbly from all the blows. At the same time that it feels like she resents me for trying to impose order, she-and all of us-needs to feel that there's an underlying structure, an orchestration of our daily lives.

Parenting, marriage, life-it's all a dance about figuring out what we control and what we don't; deciphering between power, authority and force; when we're commanding or when we are dictating; when to allow, let go, hold tight, or blend. Sometimes walking through the front door of our homes feels like walking into a train wreck. It's not easy to negotiate, but when we continually work our way back inside to the love we hold in our hearts, somehow the path lights up and we find the hub in all that mess.

Check out the following websites for more help with parenting.

Listen2kidsnet: A seasoned child therapist has made 20-minute videos about surviving divorce, or the strain of a seriously ill family member--all from the kids' point of view.

Steppublishers.com: A lesser-known approach to child and teen rearing using clear communication and natural consequences as the main tools.

Spiritualparenting.com: Not solely Christian based, but good for anyone with a strong spiritual foundation who wants to raise their children with that in mind.

Lovenandlogic.com: A tried and true approach for parents to learn news skills.

Empoweringparents.com: Sign up for their newsletter and get tips every week that could save your nerves!

 Leigh Fortson is the author of the recently released Embrace, Release, Heal: An Empowering Guide to Talking About, Thinking About and Treating Cancer. She lives in Western Colorado with her husband, two children, cats and dogs. Learn more about her or the book at www.embracehealingcancer.com.
© Leigh Fortson