Three Thorny Obstacles to Being Authentic

We long for intimate connections, which nourish our emotional and physical health. But oftentimes we don’t know how to create the connections we desire. Summoning the courage to reveal what we’re experiencing inside allows people to see us and know us. Showing our authentic heart rather than blaming, attacking, or shaming people allows them to feel safer coming toward us.

Yet we often have blocks to moving toward the authenticity that would create a fertile climate for warm connections with people. Here are some obstacles I’ve observed in my work as a marriage and family therapist for over 30 years:

Protecting Our Self-Image

Being authentic means being and showing who we really are. Sounds simple, right? But we’re often up against a daunting history of not feeling safe to show our most tender and vulnerable self. Oftentimes we were shamed and rejected whenever we expressed our hurts or fears. Or we got the message that if we’re not sufficiently smart, attractive, athletic, or whatever, then we’re defective and unworthy and need a heap of fixing.

In order to feel valued and welcomed into the human community, we may spend a lifetime trying to change ourselves into a person who others want us to be. We fashion and peddle an image of ourselves that we think others will accept, respect, and love.

Languishing beneath these frantic efforts to be somebody is our authentic self, which is more vulnerable, childlike, and undefended. It takes a gentle mindfulness to affirm ourselves just as we are. And it takes courage to reach out from this more connected and authentic place.

Fear of Rejection

Disclosing our authentic heart can be scary. If we offer someone the gift of our tender and authentic self, they might drop it on the ground, leaving us to gather its splattered remains. Painful rejections may have trained us to keep our real feelings and wants hidden. This strategy may have kept us safe, but sadly, it also isolates us.

The good news is that we have the capacity to heal from old hurts and betrayals. Self-soothing, which are important aspects of Self Psychology and DBT, as well as mindfulness practices, enable us to find a self-regulating refuge within ourselves. Self-soothing means being gentle and nurturing toward ourselves — cultivating an inner refuge that enables us to heal, move forward, and face future challenges with greater equanimity.

The Shame of Being Seen

As much as we long to be recognized and loved, we may be afraid that if people really see, they may shudder in disgust. If we believe that there is something ugly or distasteful about us, we try to hide ourselves. We may tirelessly withhold our true feelings, thoughts, and wants because we’re convinced that we’re unlovable and undesirable— often without even being aware that we’re doing this.

Sadly, this shame of being seen holds us back from being and revealing our authentic self. But keeping things inside is a setup for isolation and depression. Toxic shame shuts us down and prevents us from moving toward the intimacy that we need and deserve.

Growing up, I remember rarely raising my hand in school to answer a teacher’s question. Fearful that I might be wrong and be laughed at, I took the safer route of staying hidden. But this “safe” path kept me isolated. I felt angry and disappointed with myself when others were praised for answers that I knew, but was afraid to voice. As the pain and isolation of remaining hidden became greater than the potential shame of being wrong, I began to take more risks--and slowly felt better about myself, even if was wrong sometimes.

Self-protection, fear, and shame operate in each of us. A path toward authenticity doesn’t mean we eliminate these obstacles, but simply become more aware of when they’re operating. It’s OK to feel anxious or shy to reach out or expose something about ourselves. An interpersonal awkwardness is a part of being human.

Bringing a gentle mindfulness to the anxiety, insecurity, or shame that arises in any moment allows these feelings to settle. We’re then better able to affirm ourselves as we really are and reveal our authentic heart to others.

For a deeper exploration of authenticity, please see The Authentic Heart

© John Amodeo

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flickr image by Emiliano