• Sex always consists of leftovers. (read here)
• Sexual boredom is built into monogamous relationships.
• People have sex up to the limits of their sexual development. (read here)
• Going beyond this creates anxiety.
• Dependence on a reflected sense of self makes it hard to change your behavior.
• You solve sexual boredom by creating sexual novelty.
• Sexual novelty is always introduced unilaterally.(read here)
• The solution always lies outside your comfort zone.

Now we can return to the origins of this journey, the stimulus for this series: A reader said "People who can't control themselves" sounded like a nice aphorism. He wanted an example of real life application.

The sexual system outlined above seems destined to shake itself apart. Is this why so many couples break up? I think not. There is one final ecological rule (in this series) that not only keeps relationships together, it shows the elegance of the people-growing processes of love relationships:

• People who can't control themselves control the people around them.

Emotionally committed relationships contain crucibles of personal development all partners go through. Your and your partner's ability to control yourselves greatly determines how you come out of them--including if you come out of it at all. Couples develop emotional gridlock when one or both partners won't control themselves enough to get through it.

Curing sexual boredom requires refusing to live within each other's limitations

Sexual boredom is just a case in point. It highlights how love relationships operate. Partners form collusive alliances early on, explicitly or implicitly, allowing each to avoid his or her own limitations in return for overlooking the other's limitations. But love relationships don't work that way. Neither you nor your partner gets to stay immature and the other just accepts it. This doesn't line up with the ecology of love relationships. If you do this, the system creates sexual boredom.

Curing sexual boredom involves not accepting each other's limitations. One partner (if not both) has to propose a sexual option the other doesn't want to do, because those are the only remaining options. Remember, you and your partner went through "Sex always consists of leftovers" to get where you are bored. Anything either of you proposes will take the other beyond his or her level of sexual development.

Refusing to live within each other's limitations makes for healthy interdependence. This is why I stressed the importance of emotional autonomy in "People Who Can't Control Themselves...Part 2" (read here)."Refusing to live within each other's limitations" is not about separating or getting divorced. It's about struggling with yourself enough to make room for your partner within your relationship.

Differentiation

Actually, we're looking at what I call differentiation. Differentiation is one of the most powerful drivewheels of love relationships. It's the core part of my Crucible® Approach.

Differentiation is both an individual ability and an interpersonal process. Differentiation is (among other things) your ability to:

• Balance your desire for attachment and connection with your desire for autonomy and self-direction. 
• Hold on to yourself when people important to you pressure to conform.

These abilities greatly determine how "Sex always consists of leftovers" process turns out. They are key to creating sexual novelty and resolving sexual boredom.

Resolving sexual boredom tests and stretches four aspects of your differentiation: You have to: 

1. Maintain a collaborative alliance with your partner and become less dependent on your reflected sense of self.
2. Contain your anxiety, lick your own emotional bruises, and keep your feelings from running wild.
3. Keep your reactivity under control while you make yourself face things you'd rather avoid.
4. Go through difficult times together, building a solid relationship based on the people you become in the process.

Reggie & Angie: Finally a solution

This was how Reggie and Angie, the couple in my prior posts, finally improved their sex life and their whole relationship. They exemplified the rule "people who can't control themselves control the people around them. Angie was controlled (sexually) by Reggie's refusal to confront his sexual immaturity, the same way Reggie was controlled (financially) by Angie's irresponsible spending.

Angie made it clear she wasn't willing to continue giving Reggie oral sex when he wouldn't reciprocate. It was a growth step for Angie to finally make this decision, and it triggered parallel growth in Reggie. It pushed him get over his squeamishness about vaginas and his awkwardness in doing something new. He also had to get over thinking other guys would laugh at him for being "pussy-whipped" if they knew.

Applying these four aspects of differentiation (above) helped Reggie become more comfortable and proficient at giving Angie oral sex. First, he had to stay clear about what was most important to him. He did it because he thought it was the right thing to do, even though it made him a little uncomfortable. Second, he calmed himself down when he got afraid he wouldn't do it as well as Angie's prior partners. Third, he stopped making excuses and actually did it. Fourth, his discomfort went away with a little practice, which Angie was happy to oblige him. In the process, Angie finally got the oral sex and equal treatment she wanted, and she respected Reggie more for it. This reduced their bickering and Angie became more focused in reducing her overspending.

The Ecology of Love Relationships

These four aspects of differentiation can help resolve sexual boredom, and in the process raise your own personal level of differentiation. Welcome to the people-growing machinery of love relationships. Here are other ecological rules: