Intense Emotions and Strong Feelings

Hi Dr. Lamia

So basically you are arguing that bullies do have
empathy because they are quite capable of recognizing
"exactly what is going to hurt, manipulate, or control you".

But aren't recognizing and feeling an emotion two very
different things? If a bully recognizes and understands
that you are suffering because of their behavior, but
just doesn't care, then that shows a lack of empathy.
That is, you pain does not cause them to feel pain,
the way it would for someone who has plenty of empathy.

One of the reasons empathy is described as a good thing
is because it encourages pro-social behavior. If someone
is hurt, our empathy encourages us to step in and help.
Or if we are doing something that is hurting someone, our
empathy encourages us to stop doing that thing, or to
at least feel guilty about it.

And yet most people with plenty of empathy also hurt
others. Empathy isn't the only variable. Someone
can feel empathy for friends and family yet feel
much less empathy for an enemy or someone they just
don't like (hostility overtakes empathy). This
helps explain why bullies will usually pick on the
least popular kids, if the victim isn't generally
liked then bystander classmates are less likely
to feel enough empathy to help the victim.

Perhaps bullies are just generally very hostile,
and that it is this hostility that overtakes their
empathy?

Another variable is desensitization:

""People exposed to media violence are less helpful
to others in need because they are 'comfortably numb'
to the pain and suffering of others, to borrow the
title of a Pink Floyd song," he said."

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/02/090219202831.htm

And more on hostility:

"Dr Sonya Brady of the University of California,
San Francisco, and Professor Karen Matthews at the
University of Pittsburgh say their study shows that
young men are more likely to see others' attitudes
toward them as hostile if they've just played a violent game."

http://www.abc.net.au/science/news/stories/s1612435.htm

Terry

i might have to agree somewhat here. I have dealt with kid bullies when i was a child but also with adult bullies. And the adult bullies do tend to have an air of hostility around them.

Your question helps me to clarify the use of empathy in a bully. Empathy is a tool we have that allows for vicarious introspection, as Heinz Kohut conceptualized it; thinking or feeling oneself into another person’s inner life. C. Daniel Batson’s notion of perspective-taking is similar. However, responding empathically (sympathetically or compassionately) is another matter. You can empathize with someone and understand what they feel, but this does not necessarily mean that your response will be empathic. The confusion seems to be in the distinction between having empathy for someone and empathically responding. A response to another person’s emotion can be determined by one’s own agenda and willingness to demonstrate empathy. The bully’s empathy is used to detect weakness in another person, and yet his agenda is often to use that information in order to manipulate, control, and evoke shame rather than to respond empathically.

Your thoughts about why you believe bullies pick on the least popular kids and how bystander classmates being less likely to help victims because they do not empathize is certainly plausible. However, most kids are afraid to stand up to a bully because of their own fear and anxiety about possibly being victimized themselves by a confident bully, which often does occur when a peer stands up for someone else. Thus, bullying can be overcome in a school setting when kids join together (strength) in an attitude of intolerance that is supported by adults.

I’m pleased that you enjoy looking beyond what we take for granted. Bullies do not lack empathy. And my main concern is how we translate this for kids. Simply put: someone who acts like a bully can sense your weakness and they might very well use it against you (even with pleasure) rather than show you compassion.

Thank you for posting this important redirection of how we approach bullies. I am a social worker and a parent of a bully. I have long argued that teaching my child "empathy building" skills is not effective because he knows exactly what his victims are feeling and will derive pleasure from inducing emotional pain in others. He does not lack an awareness of how he is making other children feel. Just this week I reframed empathy as a skill that can be expressed in different ways. I used the non-clinical terms "benevolent empathy" and "malevolent empathy" to describe my child's behavior as he is highly emotionally intelligent and is capable of both.

What we need is a new word that describes "Actions resulting from empathy aimed at generating a positive result". Something that delineates the mere experience of another's emotions, from the compassionate action in an effort to improve the situation of the individual. As a result, instead of always referring to Empathy, the thoughts or experiences of another person, we would focus on what actions were or were not taken as a result of the empathic experience.

Feelings, are private until we share them and we shouldn't be judged on what feelings or thoughts we have. In the outside world, we are judged on our actions. We have all had terrible thoughts and correctly chose not to act on them. And we have had positive thoughts and not acted. Empathy is just another category of thought and therefore should not be judged until there is action or inaction as a result.

Just my two sense,
Jim Moss