By Stanley Siegel and Alyssa Siegel
Today's American family isn't what it used to be. The days of "Leave It to Beaver" have been replaced with "Modern Family," a more accurate representation of home life. The nuclear family, the blended family, and the family with same sex-parents are equally visible, loving, funny and messy.
The notion that the traditional two-parent family is not only the best, but the only, way to raise healthy children is a notion perpetuated by those fearful of losing their privileged status upheld by their virulent defense of so-called family values.
The simple truth is, children who are generously loved, esteemed, and respected do better in life than those who are not. It's not the family structure that matters, but how we treat our children. Do two wonderful parental figures provide a child with more of this than one? Sure. Do three provide more than two? Yes. And how about four? Why not? In most of the world, childrearing happens within the context of a large extended family with many members influencing a child's development and helping out in different ways.
From infancy, social institutions seduce us into a belief structure that privileges traditional marriage and family rather than encouraging us to seek our own individual truths. These values become embedded in our consciousness in a way that shapes our vision as to what our futures should be. Not only do they influence our urgency to marry, alternatives such as single-by-choice parenting, blended families, same-sex families, multigenerational and chosen families, donor families, multiple-parent or group families, and families without children, are cast in an unfavorable and discriminatory light.
Research that promotes a traditional agenda by focusing on the perceived negative after-effects of divorce is both biased and deeply flawed. Failure to include pre-existing childhood conditions, such as the adaptibility to change, the family's prior level of dysfunction and the way the final separation is presented to and processed with the child, undermines such studies' veracity. Crucially, such studies also tend to ignore potential benefits of the dissolution of an unhappy marriage. If divorce is "done well" with care and respect paid to all involved, a child can learn a lot about boundaries, self-care and flexibility.
What cannot be separated from a child's ability to cope with divorce is the profound psychological effect on parents and children when they are faced with moral disapproval for failing to sustain the sanctity of the traditional nuclear family. Children will unfortunately suffer when their families are judged invalid.
Despite the attempts of public policy and other forms of psychological coercion to hold back challenges on accepted family values, alternative families, for good reason, are becoming the societal norm. The traditional structure has not produced the security or fulfillment promised, nor does it always have the flexibility to remain relevant in satisfying our deepest needs at a time when we are able to enact a host of meaningful alternatives. Consciousness has evolved to where many people no longer will settle for an anachronistic model when functional alternatives exist.
A new definition of family has now emerged: a group of people held together by bonds of love and affection. This definition encompasses a variety of family forms: a man and a woman, married and unmarried, with or without children, gay and lesbian couples, singles, with and without children, and even larger groups of individuals in various living arrangements. According to this view, what is important is not the actual family structure, but the quality of the relationships.
There are many ways to create a healthy family. Healthy children come from self-actualized parents who live their lives authentically and intentionally whatever their sexuality or relationship preferences. Veering away from traditional models, we must become pioneers, customizing our families based on values that are authentic to who we truly are rather than what we have been convinced is the way to be.
The Four Factors of New Family Values
Community
Humans are social creatures with a deep desire for interconnectedness. Even though we interact daily with communities of people at school, churches and work, the nuclear family, with its strict boundaries, all too often limits our care taking to one spouse and our own children. We depend primarily, if not exclusively, on its members for love and support when we are separated from community.
Alternative families make fewer distinctions between "we" and "them." With permeable boundaries, they embrace the natural inclination for connection and are open to giving and receiving help and support from others. The perspective is global in its acceptance of the idea that "It takes a village to raise a child."
Many create families of choice, sometime as a replacement for families of origin, that include non-biologically related members based on mutual trust and freedom and less on traded vows and enforced exclusivity. Families grow out of their experiences with ever-expanding circles of friends, acquaintances and lovers. When the arrangement begins to change or fail to serve the needs of all parties, loyalties remain with the participants rather than with the institution. Unlike many nuclear families, we choose members with whom we are bound with by shared interests and values and who cherish us for who we are rather than because of blood ties.
Intentional Parenting
More democratically based, alternative families strive for honesty and direct communication. Self-knowledge is valued over blind obedience as children are taught to understand their feelings and needs and feel safe to express them.
A strong, guiding, non-authoritarian parental influence encourages children to make decisions based on their own truths. The aim is to raise thoughtful, confident children. Compassion, acceptance, respect and generosity are held in high regard as opposed to competitiveness and self-centeredness. Along with happiness, these qualities are considered choices children can be taught to make rather than a result of how life treats them.
Parenting isn't random. From an early age, rules and consequence are a collaborative process that engage all members, parents, children, grandparents and other significant people regardless of blood ties. All siblings have issues of envy and rivalry, but in alternative families, children are given the opportunity to openly discuss and process them together.
Parents and other family members spend quality time with children, hopefully from a place of calm contentment because they feel satisfied in their own lives because their own needs are not denied or sacrificed.
Parents participate in the surrounding community, including friendships and social activities. Children have the responsibility to use their talents for the benefit of the community. The family is an open, flexible system, ever-changing with the needs and desires of its members.
Gender Neutrality
Despite evolving roles in our culture, for most woman, marriage not only continues to involve the primary responsibility for keeping the home and raising children, but also husband-keeping.
In non-traditional families, responsibilities have shifted as men strive towards becoming more nurturing than their predecessors, including towards their female partners.
They value care-taking, including openly expressing affection towards their children and their female partners. Much has been learned from same-sex families where responsibilities cannot be divided by gender and instead are negotiated based on the interests and competence of members. Woman feel equally entitled to pursue their professions and other interests with the same vigor as men do.
The goal is to raise gender-neutral children, who can perform in the world based on who they are rather than enacting gender-typed roles and activities. Boys for instance are encouraged to play with dolls and girls to play with fire engines. Nothing is limited, no judgment or shame given to cross-gender activities.
Sex Positivity
