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What Psychologists Know that You Don’t

Searching For Mona: Finding That Heart-of-Gold Hottie

You managed to free yourself from an arrogant woman. A far more appealing woman is out there for you. She loathes to put herself above others or exaggerate her skills and talents. She will believe you when you say you are sincere, kind, and committed because her own heart is sincere. The world opens up with a woman like this. And she is far sexier than you may imagine. Read More

What an interesting format for...

What an interesting format for a blog. Very creative. Glenn

Classic Cinderella Syndrome.

Project much? lol

I'm glad all that is in your head and not mine.

The Thompson Twins did a song called Strange Jane (on the album "Queer") about real life Mona's, ex the sales hype.

Humble women don't exist.

Humble women don't exist.

This was very interesting. I

This was very interesting.

I think your point is similar to the one made by guys to women who love "bad boys".

We men have a problem being attracted to bad girls and in both cases is is always a bad choice.

.

Thank you for taking the time

Thank you for taking the time to explain what a healthy woman who is ready for a relationship looks like and contrasting against the manipulating damsel in distress, one who exposes the knight in the mirror to the fool covered in tin foil.

I liked the different

I liked the different perspective of looking at how women too are more than capable of being calculating in getting their way with men. It's hard to have a balance of sexual confidence and manipulation, especially in a day and age when women are encourage to embrace their sexuality. Nothing wrong with that of course, in fact it's admirable, but using sex as a tool that hurts others, regardless of which sex does it, is unethical. I wonder how prevalent this arrogance is, and what percent do it on purpose? I would like to think that some do it unintentionally, for maybe they truly were abused in the past.

After reading this, my

After reading this, my question is what happens when two arrogant people are together in a relationship? Does their arrogance get worse or is the relationship too short lived for there to be much of a consequence?

It becomes unbearable and

It becomes unbearable and ends abruptly, once you realise you should never have been together in the first place.
At least by my experience.

Not a nice place to be!

This woman really does sound

This woman really does sound perfect. Mona seems like a truly selfless woman who is ready to commit herself to finding a real love. I think it is nice to give examples of one type or model of a great woman, but men should not hold all possible partners to these exact specifications. Mona would be perfect for some people, but I think others would prefer more outspoken women, or maybe women who are opinionated and challenging. Of course Mona is better than the first woman, but she is not right for everybody and I think that is important to remember.

I also would like to think the purposefully manipulative woman in the first example is an exaggeration. I think that most women, though by way of carelessness or a lack of compassion often end up being manipulative and cheating, but I think it is a stretch to say that it is a master plan she has had from the start, giving insincere compliments and such so as to lure the man in.

It is important that we are

It is important that we are able to make these distinctions when trying to find the right spouse. It would be bad for your health to be stuck with an arrogant partner, but what would happen if both partners were narcissistic in the relationship? Would it be better if they were stuck together, or would it not work at all? Also, should a person sacrifice other things for the humble spouse if they don't have other things that they are looking for?

One point that I find

One point that I find compelling in this article is the distinction between the way the arrogant woman makes men crave her by being unavailable, while Mona does not hide her true desires. In today's dating culture, I believe that playing hard to get is highly overrated. Girls are encouraged to hide their desires and act as if they do not care whether or not their feelings are reciprocated. This promotes the arrogant behavior because it causes her to seek a position of control and manipulation. This article points out that women who reveal honest feelings should be celebrated, not criticized for lack of mystery, because these are the women who will lead to honest and fulfilling relationships.

I like how you noted that

I like how you noted that being with an arrogant person can in turn affect his/her partner's arrogance as well. With the King example, I found it interesting how wanting to please the arrogant women ended up making the man more arrogant because he needed to be seen as her King. I also agree with your point that ending up with a Mona takes time and really getting to know her, both strengths and weaknesses. I think especially in today's culture of technology that makes instant gratification possible we move too quickly. Building a healthy and happy relationship with another person takes time, yet we often rush into things because the person appears to be perfect and everything we are looking for. Perfection shouldn't be what we search for though because it doesn't exist and anyone who tries to make someone else think they are perfect is not being true. Your description of the arrogant woman got that point across really well.

Playing Hard to Get?

Although I can definitely see the merits of finding a Mona in life, there is the overwhelming advice in society for women to play hard to get. While it is true that an arrogant woman will manipulate men to get what she wants and plays hard to get, I believe that some women think that playing hard to get is something of an asset. If a woman who is like Mona, sincere and honest, plays hard to get it seems like she is out for one thing and that is for some man to be lured in and trapped, just like an arrogant woman would do. However, how do you define playing hard to get when a Mona is merely trying to genuinely protect herself? Placing her heart on her sleeve might make it easier for the Monas to make the mistake of possibly finding an arrogant man who sees her as an easy target. Would this kind of protection for herself be dishonest or a detriment to her overall honest character?

I understand that, because of

I understand that, because of its nature, this article has to be pretty general, but I think this is a bit too much of a black-and-white depiction of female personalities. Every girl lies somewhere on the spectrum between the two girls you described.

This post made me think about the power of first impressions. I think it’s pretty clear that most (if not all) guys would prefer the Mona type, but the arrogant girl might do a really good job the first time or the first few times you’re with her of putting on this Mona façade. Guys then get this notion that this girl is inherently a really good person, even as the relationship sours. Once the idea that this girl is a great catch is ingrained in a guy’s head, it can be very difficult for him to objectively look at the evidence to the contrary and realize that he’s being used and that the relationship is causing him more harm than it is good. Kind of a scary thought, especially for guys who get attached easily.

Interesting read

This was interesting, I would believe it if not for the fact that I still resolutely believe most men are not going to fall for the arrogant type of women. Men do like sex, its true; however, I believe that a guy would never automatically tell a girl he loves her just to get sex, and shes a mean arrogant person. By the way, if you spot a Mona sometime, point her out to me, because she seems awesome.

As PJB brought up, a majority

As PJB brought up, a majority of women lie somewhere in the middle of this continuum, and it can be difficult to discern a person's true personality traits, especially when so many other factors come into play. For example, societal norms encourage a woman to "play hard to get" and to portray a "confident" image, especially sexually. Of course, a 100%, purely humble and honest woman may feel comfortable in deviating from those norms. However, I think that (especially younger) women are vulnerable to giving the impression that perhaps they are not completely humble because they have been brought up to believe that men find certain characteristics attractive, despite what is truly in their hearts. This article is certainly very interesting and thought provoking! My only concern is that perhaps it oversimplifies the many complex factors that go into a woman's sense of self and her interactions with others.

This seems a little too easy...

I have to agree with some of the earlier criticisms, that this article oversimplifies the ideal personality of a prospective spouse. The article fails to so much as acknowledge other personality variables that are tied to overall "decency" and other attractive features that would influence each person's selection of a mate, because, as I think most people would agree, personality is such a complex, responsive, and dynamic compilation of countless facets. To say that one should judge the quality of a prospective spouse purely on this spectrum of arrogance-humility would ignore that truth. This selection strategy, though I admit its potential effectiveness, has flaws in that 1) it assumes that all readers look for the same honest/humble characteristics in a mate, that 2) honesty/humility is clearly the most desirable trait, that 3) all readers also fall into this category of borderline unrealistically decent, honest/humble individuals that "deserve" such a Mona, and that 4) it fails to recognize a middle ground (though I assume that at least this final flaw was not the intent of the author). The truth is that most of us are neither male nor female incarnations of the near-perfect Mona, that we tend to fall somewhere near the middle of the decency bell-curve, and that the majority of us will find spouses comparable with respect to where they lie on the decency spectrum (which would include, I'm sure, many flaws as well as virtues!). The article would present a much stronger argument, the argument that we should look for mates that display these strong patterns of honest and humble behavior, if it presented a more practical application by listing perhaps behaviors common to these "less decent," arrogant individuals, and then how to identify someone who is "decent enough," while acknowledging the flaws that we all undoubtedly have.
That was a mouthful.
Finally, it seems rather judgmental and presumptuous, perhaps less than honest or humble, to classify individuals into these categories of "decent/indecent" based off of this single trait, and to advise that we "decent people" avoid the "less decent." Because most of us fall into that moral middle ground, I thereby believe that most of should be allowed a little slack for flaws, and it would seem wrong (perhaps arrogant) to me to ever judge a prospective mate, or anyone else for that matter, as less decent than I am, if I am truly conscious of my own shortcomings.
That being said, I did find the article very cleverly composed, despite my criticisms, and I definitely recognize the value of "arrogance awareness" when evaluating the health of any relationship.

I found this article to be an

I found this article to be an extremely interesting read. I agree and can speak from personal experience that all men would prefer the Mona type. However, we go for the arrogant women because she can offer us instant gratification. We don’t consider the long term impact and implications being with these types of women can have on us. As PJB mention the power of first impressions is great. Men must be careful as to what they choose. The arrogant women can put on the Mona façade for a long time and fool you into thinking that she is one. It is important then for us as men to recognize this and stop ourselves before it becomes too late.

I thought this article was

I thought this article was pretty cool. I was hooked throughout. I skimmed some of the other comments and a large complaint seems to be the fact that this article represents an oversimplification. While I agree it is a black and white sort of view there is merit in simplifying. This is a fairly short post so, realistically, not much an be covered. Also, I think it's good to think about the extremes to make say something meaningful about people you come in contact with in life. I read in the comments that most women are somewhere in between and I wholeheartedly agree but knowing what's at each end of the spectrum lets you place those people in the middle and make informed decisions about them.

Reading this article was a

Reading this article was a very enjoyable and affirming experience for me, as I'm sure it was for all young women who haven't had much luck finding a man who appreciates all of their best personality traits. Of course it's tempting to think of myself as a Mona, a "heart-of-gold hottie" who just needs the men in her life to learn to appreciate decency. But I realized that by thinking this way I was most likely just making excuses for myself and pretending that it's fine to wait passively for some open-minded guy to stumble upon me. As other commenters have pointed out, the dating world is not divided cleanly into Monas and non-Monas, and I think it's a little dangerous to encourage men to think of women as decent vs. not decent instead of compatible vs. incompatible. The most stable relationships that I have observed in my admittedly limited experience are the ones in which each partner is open about their insecurities and faults, and not necessarily ones in which both parties are self-confident, ever-trusting, and humble. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think finding a significant other is less about finding someone who's really decent and more about finding someone who's decent and not-so-decent qualities match up well with your own.

As several other people

As several other people mentioned, I see this article as an oversimplification. Creating a dichotomy between arrogant women and humble women is not the best way to choose a partner in my opinion. This sort of thinking gives relationships a right and a wrong answer, and I don't think it works like that. Everyone has positive and negative qualities, and while many of the qualities that a Mona has are the things that a man should look for in a relationship, they might not always be there. That doesn't mean the woman he is interested in is a bad person who should be dumped immediately. As long as both people in a relationship can be sincere with one another, they might be able to work out some of the other shortcomings that each of them possess. In this way, two imperfect people can find a perfect match.

Very interesting take. As

Very interesting take. As many others have noted, there is a range in which girls fall into either the arrogant type or the Mona type. I also think its a little presumptuous to assume that such extremes exists. You talk about an arrogant, manipulative girl, but I don't believe someone as extreme as what you describe exists and that could be why it is so hard to get over them. Similarly, a perfect Mona girl also is a bit fantasy-like and I feel like they don't really exist in real life (everyone has flaws and no one is as perfect as this angel girl who loves and cares for you all the time). Because of this it may be harder to fall for her. But, overall really insightful.

I agree, however I don't

I agree, however I don't think it can always be so cut and dry about the differences between a "mona" and an arrogant person. I think that like personality traits, these lie on a spectrum. While it may be simple to distinguish between the two extremes, it seems to me that most of the women I know lie somewhere in between the two. It would be interesting to get a clearer idea on which of those extremely arrogant traits to look out for most when selecting a partner.

I definitely agree with this,

I definitely agree with this, and I thought it interesting how Mona can still be a sexual person when it is right. However, I do agree with the person above in that I don't think it's completely distinct between the two. For instance, overall I don't see myself as arrogant, but I can relate to parts of that description, as well as parts of Mona. Where would most women fall?

What?

How did this get to be an article on psychology today? This is the stupidest thing I've read on this site! Very bad writing too!

One question

Would "Mona" write a novel?

Okay, one more:

Would she be a physicist at CERN?

You get my point.

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Anita E. Kelly, Ph.D., is a Professor of Psychology at the University of Notre Dame. She is author of The Clever Student and The Psychology of Secrets.

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