Insight Therapy

Psychologically-informed reflections on how we interact.

Mating Motives: Hook Up Orgasms and Relationship Mercy Sex

New studies show that women achieve orgasm less frequently in hook up sex as compared to sex in a relationship. But that may not mean the sex is not worth having. In understanding both hook up and relationship sex, the question of motive looms large. Read More


Excellent article, Noam

I particularly want to reiterate your comment about desire being love's cocktail. How true.

Desiring the other and *being* desired in return is the most powerful aprodesiac. People to skew desired/desire away from center. Very much to their own detriment.

Feminacentric sex.

The now nearly ubiquitous impulse to improve inferior women so as to make them more like men in every way conceivable only results in inferior men.

The most telling part of this entire ongoing twisted saga is that that famous scene from about the most celibrated chick flick in cinema history is about faking, not having.

Where did you get the

Where did you get the information you quote in your post, "all women are potentially multi-orgasmic"? Please do define "potentially multi-orgasmic". I think it's necessary to point out that you could equally make such a vague statement about men (given that men are actually capable of orgasm without ejaculation), and therefore such a statement is pointless at best, and damaging in its perpetuation of the popular view of women as multi-orgasmic objects, or porn stars, at worst.

It's the perpetuation of this image which continues to make it difficult for women to orgasm in hookup sex, for goodness sake! Most men have no idea how to please a woman unless they have been in a relationship with her long enough for the sex to start evolving in favour of her preferences, and they don't think they have to do anything in a casual setting, because they've bought into this mythical idea that just doing their thing is going to send the woman into multi-orgasmic bliss.

In my personal experience, each time I have had sex with my then partner (casual or serious), for the first time ever, they have always been genuinely shocked when I openly admit that I haven't orgasmed (I don't do the whole faking thing), because they don't realise that most women don't automatically have 5 orgasms as soon as a man gets naked with them. I can't exactly blame them either because going by all the conversations I've ever had with my female friends, it's very rare for a woman not to fake it if she couldn't orgasm for real, but I wish the information would start getting spread out there, for the benefit of women who prefer real orgasms in their hookups, without having to give a sex ed class in order to get it.

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Noam Shpancer, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology at Otterbein College and a practicing clinical psychologist in Columbus, Ohio.


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