Top 9 Things We Could Do Without in the New Year

The dawn of The New Year is traditionally an occasion for all sort of useless list making. In that spirit, here's a random, incomplete list of the Top 9 (yes, nine; get out of the box and live a little) things we could do without in the next year, but will probably have to endure anyway.

The global warming "debate"--True, we are not certain how quick and deep the warming trend will move, and how much of it is caused by humans. But to use this uncertainty as reason for inaction defies logic. There are two types of errors a system can commit when addressing a threat: a 'false alarm' and a 'miss'. If you tilt the system to avoid one, you'll inevitably get more of the other. For example, because we don't want to imprison the innocent (false alarm), we have many criminals walking free (miss). When it comes to Earth, we cannot afford a miss. We don't have another earth to run to or experiment with. True, by working to avoid a miss we increase the risk of a false alarm--it may indeed turn out that global warming was not so much man-made or so bad--but that mistake will be far less costly and more reversible than doing nothing and learning the opposite. And there's another bonus to moving on global warming. Had we channeled the resources we've invested in the Iraq war toward finding alternatives to fossil fuel and achieving energy independence, we could have actually made positive changes in the Middle East by compelling oil-based economies and societies to modernize. But that would have required a visionary leader right after 9/11, and we had, well, Dick Cheney.

Ads--Observe: from the moment you wake up you are bombarded mercilessly, ceaselessly with ads--on the radio, the TV, the newspaper; on computer screens, gigantic billboards; ads on cars, blimps, signs, stickers, articles of clothing and pieces of mail; a thousand invisible sticky fingers prying at your pockets, waving for your attention, poking at your chest, grabbing at your neck, imploring, threatening, admonishing you to buy more stuff. The dominating force in our overstuffed lives in this richest of nations is the one harassing us to get more stuff. No wonder nobody's wondering about how and why shopping has turned from a means to an end (I buy what I need) into an end in itself (what I need is to buy).

Spam email--Some spam scams (try this fast after three beers) mine timeless human conditions: greed (a Nigerian prince has an offer for you!); insecurity (take this pill--the ladies will melt and your erection won't); loneliness (your friend just sent you an e-card. Click here to see your hard drive exploding). Newer scams exploit a contemporary archetype: the hurried multi-tasker, who is distracted enough to respond to an official-looking invitation from a bank to fix a security problem, or to an attachment titled, "The files you've requested." This is the story spam tells about us: we are greedy, insecure, lonely, and out of time. Last year, as the markets continued their spectacular meltdown, my spam shifted too, looking to bail me out of my insolvent mortgage, fix my destroyed credit, and negotiate my bankruptcy dealings. I can't wait for the Viagra e-mails to reappear, it will be a sure sign that the American economy is rising again.

Youth culture--I'm not sure when I made the transition from a young with-it hipster to an old curmudgeon who thinks all teenagers look alike; who tells his daughter to turn down "that noise you call music;" and who's targeted by Viagra spam emails. One day you wake up, and feel lucky just for that; and that's a sign you're old. They say you're only young once, but if you do it right, once is enough; and I did it right...I think; you see, my memory is not what it used to be...

Airport security--So there was one weird guy years ago who had a bomb in his shoe, and now all of us have to take off our sandals at the airport. Does that make you feel safer? No. Does that actually make you safer? Of course not. When terrorists succeed, it's usually because they try something new; an approach that nobody had expected. I hope the government has as many dedicated people thinking about that as it has feeling me up at the pat down station.

Storms--Really, how long before some unhinged Pat Robertson clone pipes in with the wrath-of-God explanation for all the recent weather nastiness? I say not long. And while every believer knows why God would smite the reprobates of New York, what could He possibly resent about the Midwest?

On location storm reporters--Here's a clue: when you report from a hurricane, it is not useful to stand in it. You don't look rugged and relevant, you look like a narcissistic fool, and we can't hear the nonsense you're spouting over the howling wind. So save us the fake drama and the patented forward lean. It's a big wind; we get it; even without witnessing the damage it's doing to your hair. Get in the media van that's two feet to your right just outside the frame, chill, and spare us the hot air.

It's free--One thing you know about the word 'free' in America--the object, entity or event it describes will cost you plenty. You get a 'free' dumbbell if you're dumb enough to you buy this overpriced, useless home gym. Really free things are never advertised as such. Nobody advertises 'free air to breathe.' The word 'freedom' at the mouths of our politicians is always bad news, a cover of darkness under which we are gearing up to do something nasty to someone, most likely ourselves. Even things that we most hoped would be free end up not so. Look at 'free love,' which turned out to have been not free at all once you consider the Chlamydia. Free anything is never free, and the least free of all free things is the 'free market,' unless by 'free' you mean a system where crooks are free to steal others' money and then use the stolen money to buy themselves a get-out-of-jail-free card once the whole charade spins into a freefall.

Cell phones--Ah, who am I kidding? Cell phones are great; a wonderful, almost poetic invention. It's the cell phone users who are the problem. Cell phones don't annoy people; people annoy people, and it's clear that...oops, hang on a sec, I have to take this call...Hello, what? You're at the airport? Stuck because of the storm? yeah, I saw that on the TV; yeah, our new flat screen. O, well, maybe the airline will give you a free voucher...Yes, Happy New Year to you, too.