Insight Is 20/20

I struggle with my addiction everyday. I have had the occasional slip up on the rare occasion and use the excuse of life's stress and obstacles to validate myself. I am aware and conscience of what I have done, and (in my opinion) have done well dealing with this on my own. Your article hits home because everything you said is true. I, being an addict myself, was surrounded by the very people you write about. I had parents and friends that would drop what they were doing to save/help me. This only affirmed that no matter what I did, someone would be there to pick me up and make it all better. It was only when I took it to the next level and died that I had realized what I was doing to myself. When I woke up in the hospital and saw my family and friends there it was the worst day of my life. I wish I could tell you it was the last day I ever dealt with my addiction, but in reality it will always be there. It is something you struggle with daily and a path you chose when you made the decision to do the drug/alcohol that lead you there. I learned you have to be strong and just do your best to be the person you want to be.

I agree on premise and while I have not read the whole of Codependent No More, I have read/studied much about enabling and co-dependency and am familiar with her work. And, I generally agree with all I have read.

But...

The only place where I differ in a lot of modern thought about enabling vs loyalty/support/help etc. is concerning our society's current lickity-split operational time frame. I would advocate also a realistic degree of patience. Love includes patience. And while one must set boundaries (and stick with them) and protect oneself, part of love is being realistic about the adherence to the expectations you have of the addict.

Not everyone can be managed by a checklist. You must give them both time to adapt to new realities--even when self chosen--and be ready to forgive if they occasionally fall off the wagon of those realities. You must be realistic about the inner demons they battle and know that action sometimes takes a while to get the hang of, after decision. We are such an impatient, unforgiving, unsympathetic society in general. Sometimes, there is no "hurry up."

You can't leave these people in the dust if they are trying their best to limp along--even if their best takes a bit of practice to become good enough. YOU wouldn't want to be left in the dust; YOU would want someone there when you cannot be there for yourself (which also happens to the best, most confident, most straight-flying of us).

By all means protect yourself and keep an eye on overall patterns and progress, but don't exclude patience, love and forgiveness. I have found that if you do for those who need the extra to catch up, like childbirth, what awaits you on the other side is well worth the additional struggle. Remember, YOU have to be realistic, as well as they, and take it one situation, one day at a time.