Stuff Has No Meaning

I was sorting a client’s book collection when she came to me and said: “I’m crying over socks! What’s the matter with me?” Her husband had passed away three years ago and she was just now cleaning out his sock drawer. Have you ever found yourself having a strong emotional reaction to something that should be a simple task? It’s probably not the ‘stuff.’

I told my client she wasn’t in fact crying over socks. She was crying over what these particular socks represented: a lost relationship. Her wonderful husband would never again wear those socks. He’d never buy new ones. He would in fact no longer need that sock drawer. The socks were bringing home the emotional impact of what she clearly understood intellectually: her husband was dead.

Getting Unstuck

What do you do when stuff reveals a long buried, misunderstood or ignored emotional attachment or trauma? As a professional organizer I first ask my clients to acknowledge the reality. What is at play here behind the appearances? Once we understand we can make decisions based on fact not fantasy. My client this day was amazed how free she felt once she understood what was behind her tears. Here are some questions to help you make wise decisions about the items in your life. They should be there to delight and serve you. They are not designed to clutter your physical space, drain your emotions or cloud your thinking.

• If the person is out of the picture have you honored them in some way? I reminded my client that her husband had showered her with beautiful jewelry. Why would she need to keep his old socks when he had left her with treasures? Make conscious choices about what and how you honor the person’s presence in your life.

• If you are married and the items in question belonged to a now departed relative, do you have so many in sight that your spouse feels as if he or she is living in someone else’s home? Never assume that others feel the same way about any item. Communication and compromise will always save the day.

• Have family members or friends ever called you a ‘control freak’? Are you unconsciously seeking to control the environment with the possessions of another? Or perhaps you are holding your own items sacred and crowding out any possible creative input from others? It’s worth looking into. The control freak is usually a very insecure person. Endeavor to find appropriate ways to empower yourself. If your decisions diminish or disregard others you’ve missed the mark.

• Do you feel guilty about some aspect of your relationship with this person that impels you to keep everything status quo? Very often after we nurse a loved one through a long illness their death leaves us with self-imposed guilt. “Had I done more he or she might still be here.” Keeping the environment frozen in place is indeed a way to punish yourself and prevent you from moving forward with your life. Grief counseling one on one or in a group might be just the catalyst you need to free yourself.

• Finally what if the loss is not about someone else but rather a perceived loss of some aspect of your own life? Are you saving your ‘skinny clothes’ even though you haven’t fit into them since the birth of your last child almost a decade ago? Are you ready to apply for AARP membership and still hauling your college, medical or law school textbooks with you? Is your office decorated with photos of little Johnny on his first day of school even though you attended his wedding last May? You get the idea.

Creativity Run Amok

There has been no end to the ingenious ways my clients have slavishly created physical environments that keep them stuck in the past free of the need to allow today’s experiences to impact their environments. Look around your home or office and ask yourself when was the last time you painted this room? Do you like the furniture you’re using or is it time to do a bit of redecorating? Are there too many decorative items in the space? Perhaps you could donate a few and rotate the rest with the change of season. How you feel about yourself is always expressed in the way you live. Don’t unconsciously weigh yourself down with a slavish nod to the past. Enjoy every minute of the journey of your life by being fully present. After all what else do we have but this moment in time?