I'm all in favor of Valentine's Day. Who doesn't like chocolate, roses, sexy underwear and a night on the town? I do however think it should be celebrated every day not just once a year. I'd rather have someone's respect, random acts of kindness and his words of encouragement and appreciation on a daily basis than a box of chocolates and a dozen roses once a year.
I also think we need to focus on how to raise our self-esteem and express love for ourselves. I'm not talking about the endless self-congratulation of the narcissist but rather the healthy self-love of someone who knows his or her worth. Who do you want to be in love with?
We can't separate ourselves from our environments. They are our thought patterns brought into the physical world. When I enter a space for the first time I try and see if what the client has told me meshes with what I see. When a lot of extraneous stuff is present, for example, I know that one of several issues will become apparent soon.
• Perhaps this client has an attachment to the past. It's as if the best part of his life is over and the stuff will be his ‘forever reminder' of just how good it was.
• Or maybe a parent instilled in this client the belief that she just can't make a good decision. If she believes every decision will be incorrect it seems like a good idea to hold onto everything and make no decisions. In her mind this avoids mistakes.
• Another common possibility is that this client suffered a traumatic loss and tossing items or giving them to charity brings up the fear that he or she will never have anything like this again. I call that collection of useless stuff ‘fake prosperity.' The sheer volume lulls you into thinking you're doing well.
I remember the client who had lost everything when her parents fled their Communist controlled homeland. A box of clothing and toys from the Red Cross in her new country represented all her worldly possessions. When I met her decades later in Los Angeles she was a very successful businesswoman in her 50's who had tremendous difficulty parting with anything. It was easy to see why. She had never consciously connected that past trauma with her life today. It's rewarding to see the flicker of recognition appear in someone's eyes.
The possibilities are almost endless when it comes to our attachment to stuff. Did you recognize yourself in any of the above?
But it's Valentines Day and I want you to feel nurtured and loved in your own space so what can we do to shake things up a bit? I dedicate the entire month of February to the bedroom in One Year to an Organized Life because I think it's such an important part of the home. Here are 5 easy steps you can take to make your space more like a sanctuary whether you share it with someone or you're still in ‘seeking mode.'
1. Make your bed.
It's a wonderful way to officially end the night and greet the gift of a new day. If you aren't in the habit do it on Valentine's Day and see if you like how the room looks and feels. I mention this simple habit often. I can't begin to express how powerful it is as a catalyst for change.
2. Buy fresh linens.
Come clean (pun intended): when was the last time you bought new linens for the bed? In Feng Shui, the Chinese art of placement, it is suggested that your new lover shouldn't roll around with you on sheets that were shared by the last great love of your life. I say even if you've been together a long time spiff things up with fresh linens. And if you're going to be alone you too deserve the feel of fresh, clean sheets.
3. Clear the deck
With any luck you and your special someone will have a romantic night in your boudoir. Why take the chance that said special someone will sprain an ankle or trip and knock out a tooth en route to the bed? Pick up an inexpensive bookcase and give those stacks of books, CD's and DVD's that surround your bed like a moat a new permanent home. And if you've been together a long time pick up two decorative baskets: one to toss in your kids toys and one for Fido's bully sticks and pigs ears.
4. Forgive past mistakes
We're all guilty. We get excited about the latest lotions, potions, hair gels and sprays. We bring them home and after one or two uses we realize this one isn't for us. But it cost a pretty penny so we decide to hold on to the mistake because one day we may change the way we feel about this product. Time to get real. Clean out all those mistakes and either toss them, give them to some friends or (if they look inviting) donate them to a shelter. Your Valentine will feel so welcome by all the space in your bathroom. You get the metaphor right? If there's space in my bathroom for you, there's probably space in my life for you.
5. The morning after
A romantic night can be forgotten in a flash if the pantry and cupboards are bare the next morning. What a way to greet a new day! While you're doing your Valentine planning be sure and keep breakfast in mind. No pop tarts or instant coffee, please.
The Bottom Line
Love yourself enough to take care of yourself. No one can do that for you. I once heard a therapist say that you have to fall in love with yourself and then the other person wants to get in on a good thing. Again I'm not advocating for the narcissists among us. I'm just casting my vote for healthy self-esteem. It can be in short supply this time of year.
