The point here is pretty simple: it's your therapy, you can share with others as much or as little as you want. Here's what to do with the unsolicited opinions.
This is the fourth and final post in the series to help you manage intrusive loved ones in your therapy. It builds on posts highlighting the pitfalls of backseat drivers (Part I), some real-life accounts of this problem (Part II) and eight common types (Part III). By the way, I found a great post on handling actual backseat drivers. Most of what they say applies here minus the references to GPS, riding shotgun and new car smell.
Most of the time, backseat drivers aren't really an issue in therapy. Loved ones generally care about your wellbeing, respect the work you do in your therapy and offer support if you need it. But there are good reasons to cover this topic thoroughly: when backseat drivers are a problem, they're a real problem. The impact can range from minor annoyance to total annihilation of your therapy.
In the words of a real client from the PsychLinks forum:
the trouble with friends and family is they don't necessarily fully appreciate the therapeutic relationship and don't understand how it works unless they've been in their own therapy. it's easy for them to criticize and say how your therapist is wrong. i think it's tough, i think if you know you have a good therapist and they are a good fit for you, that you need to take the comments with a grain of salt. however, if you are still in a very vulnerable place (dealing with depression and anxiety), it becomes a lot harder to know if their feedback is on target or not.
It's a dicey issue, one that can be difficult to navigate. As we therapists repeat ad nauseum: trust in the relationship is essential for successful therapy. When trust exists, therapy tends to progress. That's the ideal. But the trust is challenged when:
- The therapist behaves unethically. I suggest you peruse the APA Code of Ethics to see what I'm talking about. This is not when the therapist upset you because he challenged you to face a fear or forgot your dog's name or suggested something that didn't work. I'm talking about the big boundary violations - inappropriate sexual behavior, extortion, needlessly breaking confidentiality, etc. If these issues occur or are about to happen, talk to someone in a position of authority. The therapist's boss, the police or their licensing board come to mind.
- The client rehashes everything they do in therapy to their friends. Everyone you talk to will have an opinion which may result in more confusion. Sometimes it's best to keep this material between you and your therapist. For example, if you didn't understand what your therapist suggested last session, this is a good thing to talk about in therapy. If your therapist reminds you of your creepy aunt, this is prime therapy material. If you feel like therapy is the only interesting thing in your life to share with friends, you've got a topic for therapy. I invite you to risk trusting the therapist to see if the process and relationship can answer some of your questions, rather than running everything by the committee.
- Loved ones undermine and sabotage therapy. Even well-meaning friends may not realize their comments can stall or derail your work. This is sensitive, personal work, and one harsh critique can do plenty of damage. If you know your minor concerns about therapy will be met with "I told you so" and "she's a quack," maybe it's best to save your questions for your therapist. A friend may ask "how's your therapy going?" and you can answer with "good, I'm learning ___ about myself." No one can dispute what you're learning, and you can keep the nitpickers at bay by giving them less to criticize. Someone hounding you with questions you don't want to answer might be quieted with "my therapy is very personal, if there's something I'd like to talk about I'll let you know." And if we're talking about a really toxic opponent to your therapy, you may need to say something like "it looks like we disagree about the value of therapy. I hope you'll respect my wish not to debate this with you. If not, I'll need to leave."
Clearly, trust comes at a high cost. If there's something terribly wrong with the therapy, report it. If there's a minor conflict, talk it over with your therapist. And if loved ones are intruding, tell them to back off. As it is with many issues in therapy, this is not a black and white issue. There are certainly times when eliciting support or discussing questions about therapy to a friend is a great thing to do. These might be times when you:
- had a breakthrough and want to share it with someone
- wonder how to bring something up to your therapist
- want to talk about what it's like to be in therapy
- talk through a concept or technique you learned
- want someone to hold you accountable for a new behavior
- look for objective feedback on changes you've been making
And so on. The intersection between therapy and loved ones will always be a little messy, such is the nature of relationships. It's important for you to know that you have plenty of control over that intersection. You can keep the two at their stoplights or mix it up between the crosswalks.
Two final notes about backseat drivers:
Parents and Teens
Backseat driving takes the front seat when working with children or adolescents. Occasionally, kids or teens seek out therapy on their own, but most of the time concerned parents bring their child to therapy to address issues they believe are problematic, and the kid may not agree. Parents might have specific ideas for the goals, procedures and session-by-session topics within the therapy. While these suggestions can be helpful, the teen may have a different goal, and the therapist a different approach. Problems are inevitable.
Here's one possible solution. When working with teens I meet with everyone to clarify the goals of therapy and how we'll work to reach them. I'll tell the parents I prefer to keep the material between me and the teen unless the information includes potential harm to the teen or anyone else. In order for the teen to feel safe, they need to know I'm not acting as a double-agent for the parents. Otherwise, they won't trust me and therapy is a waste of time and money. Whatever the parents say to me is fair game for me and the teen to discuss, whatever the teen says stays between us (with the above caveat). When everyone is clear on that arrangement, therapy runs fairly smoothly.
Note to Loved Ones
So what if you are Sally? How can you best support someone going through therapy? I'd suggest a blanket statement like: "I don't want to get in the middle of your therapy, but if you ever want to discuss what you're learning about yourself, I'll listen." If she takes you up on it, do just that: listen. If your friend or loved one seems to be experiencing roadblocks or has questions about the process, avoid chiming in with your own advice or opinions about the therapy. Instead you might tell her to "be sure to mention that to your therapist."
