Backseat drivers take many shapes and forms, from helpful to hostile. In Part I we discussed why backseat driving is a problem, in Part II we looked at why people backseat drive and gave several real-life examples. Today we're breaking down the most common backseat drivers.
***Before getting started, I'd like to clarify: I do think it's helpful for clients to talk about therapy. What I was clumsily trying to recommend in (now revised) Part I is clients with a specific question or concern for the therapist will ideally take it straight to her instead of triangulating, diffusing, etc. When among trusted friends or loved ones, clients should feel free to talk about what they're learning in therapy, what they find difficult and what's confusing. They can discuss how hard it is, how they're growing and whether or not it's worth it. I'm glad PsychLinks and other support forums exist; I want people to share their experiences and learn from one another. But when it comes to direct conflicts or misunderstandings, I hope the support system suggests you: "ask your therapist about that." I addressed this issue in a previous post called Say Anything, which I hope clears up any confusion. More on this in Part IV.
Back to the issue of the day. Backseat drivers are any influential people with opinions about your therapy. As loved ones, they have some power and can use it to help or harm. Many fall in the "help" category, but not everyone. As far as I can tell, there are eight types of backseat drivers. Here's what they do, what they want and what you might hear them say:
Threatened: On the lookout for negative evaluations about them from the therapist. Wants to know what the therapist thinks about their role in the client's life.
"I suppose your therapist sided with you regarding our argument?"
"Is she going to tell you to break up with me?"
"Now you start exercising?! I told you to do that months ago!"
Curious: Fascinated by the mysterious world of therapy. Wants to know what happens in intricate detail.
"So what kind of things do you talk about?"
"And then what did he say?"
"Call me right after your next session."
Hostile: Uses participation in therapy as a weapon. Shames the client about being in therapy. Wants control.
"You're nuts. You need some serious therapy. Now."
"There's another thing you should talk about with your therapist."
"You know what? I don't care. I'm not the one in therapy. Tell it to him."
"When do I start reaping the benefits of your therapy?"
Freeloader: Fears going to their own therapy so they mooch off yours.
"So did you tell your therapist about my anxiety? What does she think?"
"Yeah, this is a confusing problem for us. Maybe your therapist can figure it out."
"Can I come to a session with you?"
Peanut Gallery: Psych major, therapy client or other bystander who knows how to help you better than your therapist. Wants to say "I told you so" or "my therapist is better than yours."
"She's using reflective listening? This is an empty chair situation if I've ever seen one."
"I could teach you CBT techniques. You need him to address your father wound."
"My therapist hugs me and tells me it'll be okay. Does yours?"
Avoider: Won't acknowledge therapy due to their own shame about the issue. Wants therapy to go away because it makes them uncomfortable.
"You have your (finger quotes) appointment at 6pm, correct?"
"You'll be done after six sessions, right? I think maybe our insurance only covers that many."
"I deal with problems privately. Why don't you?"
The Parent: Wants help. Wants a different perspective. Wants their kid to be healthy. Wants to trust the therapist. Afraid to hear they've done something wrong.
"Yes, I tried that already and it didn't work."
"So maybe this is just a normal phase that she'll grow out of?"
"If you don't stop that right now I'm calling your therapist."
Helpful: Has a sincere desire to support and assist your process. Wants to aid, not interfere.
"So what are you learning about yourself?"
"If there's anything you'd like to talk about, I'll be here."
"If you feel that way about your therapist, maybe you should talk to her about it."
Stay tuned for Part IV, where we'll look at what you can do about backseat drivers, and what to do if you are the backseat driver.
