In Part I we covered what backseat driving is and why it might disrupt therapy. Today we'll ask why people backseat drive and give a few real-life examples.
It's an inevitable issue in long-term psychotherapy. Therapists are ethically and legally bound to keep information confidential, but clients can say whatever they want. Those close to the client are curious about the therapy, especially if the outcome has personal relevance for them. They'll ask how the therapy is going, show interest in the therapist's interventions, even suggest topics for the client to discuss. Once in a while, this is helpful. Sometimes it complicates the work.
So why do loved ones kibitz on your therapy? There are many possible reasons. Maybe the interested party wants to be included in your life. Some have a sincere desire to help. Others may have a fascination, a fear or a fundamental disagreement with the process. Or they believe they could do it better. They wish to be involved, but whether it's as an aid or a hinderance is sometimes difficult to discern.
Some would say backseat drivers have control issues. Maybe that's true, but I think it's more about the fear of the unknown. Therapy is a mysterious black box. While our lives open up on Facebook and Twitter and reality TV, therapy maintains a shroud of secrecy. It's tantalizing for outsiders to imagine what really happens during those 50 minutes. They want to know what you really think, how you really feel, and how those thoughts and feelings are handled. Particularly if that hour has an impact on their life. The exclusion can feel like rejection. Underlying the comments are questions: "What aren't you telling me? Don't you think I can help? Am I not enough for you?"
There's an online forum called PsychLinks where clients, therapists, students and others gather to discuss all things related to psychology. A few weeks ago I solicited the experiences of clients and backseat drivers. Several were kind enough to share their stories, which span the helpful/harmful spectrum. Their revealing responses helped me understand these issues on an even deeper level. Here are a few quotes:
People that meet me and find out I'm in therapy are often shocked and tell me I have no problems and I just need to hang out with them more.
Throughout the process, my mother in particular wanted all the details of those sessions (to the point that I was expected to call her after each session to recount the session) ... she would tell me that my psychologist was an idiot ... my psychologist was making this into a bigger deal than it need be. The psychologist was aiding me in staying in the 'victim' role.
I have a friend who [says] that I just need to get over myself, I have nothing to be depressed about, it's all in my head (I suppose it literally is - ha!), etc etc. Needless to say, I mention NOTHING to her anymore.
i don't much talk about being in therapy because it would be too hard to explain to people. i guess it depends on who it is.
I think in one sense, it is reassuring to us, but also gives us an opportunity to further process a therapeutic experience and gain other perspectives. I also like to brag about my therapists because I think they are simply the best and absolutely amazing : )
i've been asked if maybe therapy is just making me dwell on things and maybe it's not necessary - that i'd do better without.
... no real back seat drivers for me, thankfully :-) at the first sign of it i would just shut down about the subject, and it would become a no go zone with me.
... my therapist encouraged me to make brave steps into the world, and when I talked about this to the 'friend' she discouraged me. e.g. I would talk about a new project for my work, the friend would tell me all the reasons not to do it, thus puncturing my enthusiasm.
I'm very, very fortunate. It appears that finding the right therapist the first time around is not necessarily typical, and somehow I managed to do it. Frankly, it's probably more fortuitous than winning the lottery.
My gratitude to the members of PsychLinks for their candid responses. I was struck by how subversive the "support system" can be. In my practice I've certainly seen helpful aid, annoying intrusion and invasive butting-in, but the enmity represented here is an eye-opener. This is a small sample of what happens at the intersection of loved ones and therapy, please feel free to share your own experiences. In Part III I'll delineate the types of backseat drivers.
