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A group of women going through different stages of divorce meet in my office. They talk about what it is like on the tenth floor. They are referring to the tenth floor of the Supreme Court of Westchester County. Every day judges, litigants and their attorneys step off of the elevator, onto the tenth floor to join the ranks. Attorneys and their stunned looking clients sit crammed on benches in a narrow hallway. And then they sit and wait and wait and wait some more. Wait to have their day in court, which may never happen. Lawyers run back and forth between the chambers and the hallway, keeping their clients informed of the good or bad news.
Decisions that will affect your life will be made but not necessarily by the Judge! Don't think that you will necessarily have "your day in court." Your future can be decided from a template of opinions that does not allow for deviation! Recently, the rules have changed on the tenth floor. With the new rules several different individuals will judge you: referees, law secretaries, and judges. Where is the continuity? The new rules have a new set of deadlines that are uncompromising. Lawyers are anticipating having difficulty getting their clients to meet these new deadlines. Why has the rules changed? In the Court's defense, there just are too many litigants and not enough judges to go around. There is another choice and that is alternative dispute resolution. This is not for every couple but it is for couples that are willing to cooperate with one another during the divorce process.
I met with Candi Fulop, Esq., a matrimonial attorney who has been practicing in White Plains, NY for thirty years. She is an attorney for children in the Family court representing them in custody, neglect and abuse cases. In addition, she is a professor at Monroe College and a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals. Fulop and I spoke about the business of divorce and the future of matrimonial law.
"People want to stay away from the court system because it is too crowded and expensive. Alternative dispute methods are available but many people just don't know about it. There needs to be more public awareness that the alternative dispute method is another way of getting divorced."
What steps should a person take when contemplating divorce?
"People tend to be emotionally reactive during this time and act without thinking. In the initial interview, a client will tell me about themselves and their present situation. Often, problems ensure, as a result of clients taking actions without advice. I am then forced to attempt to repair the damage before we can begin the settlement process."
Are there actions a person shouldn't take before they meet with an attorney?
"Absolutely. There are three common mistakes: the sin of omission, transferring funds and abandoning the matrimonial residence. Sins of omission are sins a client commits by allowing something to continue on without taking any action. For example, if your wife continues to use the charge cards in wild abandon and you do nothing about it. You have committed a sin of omission by continuing to permit/condone the conduct. Second, is transferring funds. A person should not move funds from one account to another before he/she has consulted with an attorney. Third, a person should not move out of the house where he/she is presently living with their spouse."
How would someone go about finding an attorney? What questions should they ask during the consultation?
"Get recommendations from people you know. Online, there are resources that will give you the names of attorneys and their areas of practice. When you meet with an attorney you want to ask them: Who will be taking care of your case? Would it be an associate or the attorney you are interviewing? Who will be attending court? Who should you contact if you have questions or concerns? What are the different types of charges to expect? How are they to be charged?"
I would add the following questions, "What percentage of their practice deals in matrimonial cases? Contested divorces?" It is important for a client to feel comfortable with the attorney and feel free to ask questions, disagree with the proposed action and discuss goals. Clients often look towards their attorney for emotional support and reassurance. The attorney is navigating in waters that are totally unfamiliar to the client. The client is dependent on the attorney to navigate through the process of divorce. This takes a tremendous amount of trust and faith in your attorney especially when the stakes are so high.
What makes the difference between winning a case and losing a case?
"One of the keys to winning is being extremely prepared. Often, clients are not willing to discuss their background and history. They don't understand why information from the past would be relevant to their case. Everything is important to me. There is nothing worse then being in the courtroom and you learn new information about your client as your adversary is speaking because the client didn't divulge it to you. Then all of a sudden you are unprepared; that shouldn't have happened."
Are single or double income families more likely to get divorced?
"The biggest reason for divorce is lack of communication and sex. In the majority of divorce cases in my practice, the husbands are the breadwinners. Many men are having affairs with younger women and others just want out of the marriage. When a man goes out to work; he is exposed to different people and experiences. He becomes more interesting and developed as a person. On the other hand, many women stay at home raising the children. They become involved in the community, PTA, chauffeuring children to appointments and sports events. Distance in the relationship develops because of a lack of commonality between the spouses. They have little to share and talk about."
Who is happier after the divorce?
"Men are initially happier but after dating younger women they start feeling lonely. Women initially are unhappier because their life style has changed. Having less money makes it more difficult but in the end they seem happier. Without their spouses they have peace of mind.
Maureen Dowd, in The New York Times wrote a blog titled, "Blue is the New Black". Where she states that, "Women are getting unhappier as they age and men are getting happier." Do you agree with this statement?
"Yes. Women who are not career women seem to be unhappier as they get older. Older men still have younger women and their career interests. Women whose lives were consumed by raising their children are often faced with the spouse leaving at the same time as the children leave."
How can attorneys emotionally protect themselves, from the onslaught of emotions from clients and adversarial attorneys?
"Get help in the office, cover yourself by writing loads of letters, don't take on too many cases, and take three day breaks every few weeks."
That's good advice. I would add from a psychological point of view it is important that lawyers learn how to deal with the feelings that client's arouse within them. Every day, lawyers are bombarded with a range of emotions from client's and adversarial attorneys. Lawyers tend to be very logical as a group and by not being attuned to the emotional communications of clients can only result in potential lawsuits and negative feelings. . When a person is aware of their feelings they have more control over how they will respond and a deeper understanding of how others will respond to them. As a result, you will have more energy intellectually, physically and emotionally.
What would you change in the system if you could?
"The legal standards and goals for a year. In matrimonial law, people are very emotional and need a different time frame. Due to the emotionality, a year can be too short of time for people to make decisions. So I wish there were more flexible time limits."
Do you have any words of wisdom for couples?
"To stay friends and to make our spouses equally important as the children, if not more."
Hurt feelings, resentment and fear can easily chip away at a positive and loving relationship. A relationship that is heading towards divorce will follow a timeline such as: the unhappy partner silently contemplates leaving the marriage for two years, the partner then will come forward and tell his/her partner that they are unhappy and want to leave. There may be one last effort at the relationship that usually last for about six months. Then divorce follows.
The key in any relationship is communication. With good communication you have a better chance of having a successful marriage. Having strong communication skills will also help couples through the divorce process. Couples can participate in couple therapy to help end a marriage, as well as to save a marriage. I have worked successfully with couples to overcome the emotional barriers and feelings of anger that interfere with a couple cooperating with each other. Alternative dispute resolution then becomes a possibility and you may never have to encounter the infamous tenth floor!
Dowd, Maureen, "Blue is the New Black." OP ED, New York Times, 19, September, 2009.
Fulop, Candi, Personal interview. 22, October, 2009.
©2009 Wanda Behrens Horrell, All Rights Reserved
