In the Name of Love

A philosopher looks at our deepest emotions

Why Make-Up Sex and Breakup Sex Are So Good

Make-up sex is wild and extremely gratifying sex that people report having experienced after having had an intense fight. Why, in the wake of having had a bitter fight, is everything forgotten while the couple engage in what many say is amazingly wild and enjoyable sex? And why is breakup sex similarly so exciting? Read More

I can't relate. When I'm

I can't relate.

When I'm angry, the last thing I want to do is have sex. After a fight, I just want distance.


I agree with the first anonymous comment.

I was going to post the exact same thing. I need emotional distance after a fight as well. I cannot turn anger into sexual arousal, and I HAVE tried. My boyfriend has tried to warm up toward sex quickly after an argument a couple of times, and I just can't do it. Sometimes it takes me up to a day to fully want to get that close again. And it's not the content of the argument; there is no abuse, secret antagonism or ugliness. Just your standard temper flares between two otherwise very emotionally compatible people. I won't even be feeling anger anymore. I just need some calm AFTER the storm. It is ME. Anger and pain does NOT feed into arousal in my own natural emotional makeup.


I cannot relate either.

The stress from fighting or being yelled at totally shuts me down. I feel literally sick to my stomache. I avoid high conflict relationships and people (be they romantic, friends or relatives) like the plague. I would rather be alone. It was bad enough getting yelled at while at work (long military career) but at least I was getting paid to tolerate that!

When I think back on all my relationships, they did not contain the element of fighting whatsoever. Issues were resolved without any fighting, perhaps some spirited discussion but never a screaming match.

Been there, done that.

My most recent partner and I engaged in make-up sex multiple times throughout the relationship, though it didn't really begin until a few years in, and it was fairly frequent but only for about a month or two. Sexual healing, if you will, was exactly what the doctor ordered for us. We've just broken up over the last week or two, she had a physical affair with her ex bf. Long story short, we've engaged in break-up sex, and it was fantastic too. Not just physically either, it helped me process a lot of emotions, for her too. Thing is, we're planning on having sex again but I've already explained to her that I'm not ready to resume our relationship yet. I've considered perhaps a "together but apart" kind of much more casual relationship, we were living together for 3 of 4 years, I'm not entirely sure if a continued sexual engagement at this point classifies as a healthy relationship tactic.. But am I evil to say I don't think I can resist?

Dump her, she's a slob.

Dump her, she's a slob.

My daughter was conceived

My daughter was conceived during break-up sex. He had become addicted to drugs and against my heart i was ending the relationship. Only time in 20 years I had unprotected sex. I can't explain my actions that day - but I'm glad my daughter is here.


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Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D., former President of the University of Haifa, is Professor of Philosophy. His books include: In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and its Victims.


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