"She doesn't need improvement, she's much too nice to rearrange." Johnny Tillotson
"Why does a woman spend ten years trying to change her husband and then complain, 'You're not the man I married!'" Barbra Streisand
Ideals - our notions about what perfection is -- have an important function in our life-they inspire us to improve our situation. But often these ideals are merely unattainable: far beyond our capabilities and often lacking in practicality.
What should we do in these circumstances? And, even more, what do we do when it comes to romance, when we cannot find the perfection we have been dreaming of for most of our lives?
Let's start with the theory. I have written before about how establishing ideals involves the activity of the imaginative capacity. Nevertheless, ideals are more than a possible state; they establish norms according to which we should behave. Ideals stem from our constant striving to improve our situations, and often such ceaseless ambition enables us to face our present hardships. Ideals typically express something we aspire to. We may approach an ideal, but to embody an ideal in its entirety is considered extremely difficult, if not impossible. Ideals can also be expressed in the form of certain people we adore: such as saints, celebrities, public figures, and, of course, our beloveds.
We may distinguish moral rules from moral ideals. Moral rules, such as "do not kill," and "do not violate trust," prohibit actions that cause direct or indirect harm. Moral ideals are broader and more positive in scope. In light of the general and utopian nature of ideals, they can never be fully realized; they are merely a noble standard we are encouraged to approach. Accordingly, the violation of moral rules needs more justifying. Moral rules govern the very existence of human society, whereas moral ideals concern society's ability to flourish.
In light of love's central role in our lives and our fundamental preoccupation with its meaning, it is only natural to have ideals concerning love. These ideals serve as a beacon that guides and lights our love and its place in our lives. As a Buddhist proverb puts it: "If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking."
The realization that the romantic ideals cannot be fully implemented gives lovers the freedom to interpret and apply these ideals in various manners. An ideal that is not realized in its entirety can still function as a positive guide, as long as we believe that we have some flexibility in fulfilling it.
Sometimes we redefine our ideals, depending on the situation, which in fact makes the ideal more flexible. This kind of flexibility enables many people to consider themselves as fulfilling a given ideal. Consider, for instance, the attitude toward romantic exclusivity, which is a central ideal in romantic love. One person may consider a single and brief extramarital affair as maintaining the ideal of romantic monogamy, while others, who promote the ideal of total fidelity, would consider this situation as a profound violation of this ideal.
One's personal conception of the permissible gap between reality and ideals is an essential mechanism for maintaining these ideals. Contrary to the prevailing view that personal integrity requires strict adherence to the ideal, in many cases, it is one's ability to be flexible in applying the ideals-including the acceptance of minor violations- that is both more beneficial and the key to personal integrity.
Consider the real case of Elena, a married woman in her early forties who read many romantic novels and collections of love letters, and she so wished to fulfill the ideal love described in these writings. She thought that her failure to achieve this ideal love stemmed from a personal fault, either in her or in her marital partner. Consequently, she engaged in numerous affairs while searching for the ideal beloved: "What I have been doing is wandering around the world in search of a home for my heart, and every one of my efforts made clear only one thing, and that was that home was elsewhere. The most prominent feeling in my life was the feeling of loneliness, even when, or especially when I was with another person."
Elena violated the normative boundary of a monogamous relationship in order to try and implement her profound ideal regarding true love. It was clear to her at the beginning of most affairs that they were far from the love she was seeking. She felt that none of her lovers deserved her love-making, an activity which she felt was taking place "outside of her" and which had nothing to do with her genuine-self. Nevertheless, she continued having these affairs for a while, partly because of the excitement (which was in stark opposition to the boredom of her primary relationship) and partly because of her hope to turn one of them into a true love. These affairs were both a shield from her disappointment in her present primary relationship and a search engine for fulfilling her ideal. However, these attempts failed dramatically. She left her first husband, not because he was unfaithful to her but because she was unfaithful to him. Thus, she perceived what she considered to be her personal failure as indicative of the lack of love in her marriage. She felt a personal failure as she had neither past nor present to be proud of, and could retain only a dim hope for a better future. Being unable to fulfill her romantic ideal was an enormous burden, as it both eliminated the option of improving the primary relationship and required her to choose the "right" lover instead. Consequently, she was frequently depressed but never considered altering or compromising her ideal of true love.
Elena courageously distinguished between profound moral ideals (which she tried to maintain in a very extreme manner) and shallow rules (which she constantly violated). Most people follow one of these two paths: they either violate the shallow rules and are consequently facing a slippery slope and end in violating profound principles as well. Many others follow only their shallow rules, because holding the profound ideals is far too difficult for them. Some people have fulfilled both the profound ideals and the shallow rules.
Elena was not completely mistaken in her search for ideal love. The hope of having long-term passionate romantic love may have helped her to cope with her current hardships. Her deep conviction that things were not the way they should be helped her to continue to function as usual. Moreover, the chances of fulfilling her ideal love are not zero, some people do find their ideal love, as Elena finally did.
People should realize, however, that the probability of finding their ideal love is not high (though it is quite possible). Hence, not fulfilling the ideal of true love, as not fulfilling many other ideals, should not make them disappointed and depressed. The remedy for having an ideal that cannot be fulfilled is not necessarily to abandon the ideal but rather to accept one's own limitations, and in particular the inherent difficulty in fully embodying one's ideals. Being equally aware of the gap between romantic ideal and reality and of our inability to overcome it may lead to less frustration, a greater readiness to accept the ideal as a guiding principle. Considering the ideal as a strict rule which must be implemented in its entirety may not only generate in many situation disappointment for those who are in a committed relationship, but can also deter people from entering such a relationship. Sadly, there are many people who are waiting for the perfect lover, finding it impossible to compromise with someone who they consider to be less than the ideal.
The above considerations can be encapsulated in the following statement that a lover might express: "Darling, even if you have an affair, please do not leave me as it is not my fault that you do not see my virtues. Perhaps, when you will become older and your sight will be worse you may be able to realize the treasure you are having while being with me."
