"Too many women throw themselves into romance because they're afraid of being single, then start making compromises and losing their identity. I won't do that." Julie Delpy
We are called upon to make compromises in many aspects of our lives, including in our romantic relationships. But whereas people usually have no inhibitions in admitting to the compromises they make in most areas of everyday life, they seldom, if ever, will do so with regard to their love lives. No one would tell his or her spouse: "I love you, even though you are a compromise for me." Why it is so difficult for people to admit that their partners are compromises for them?
Many people realize, even on their wedding night, that they have compromised on their spouse. Several people have told me that they knew a few days before their wedding day that it would not work out. When asked why they did not cancel the wedding, one told me that the invitations had already been sent; others explained that they hoped their partner would change after the marriage either once they had children or simply because they were now married. Each of them knew on their wedding that they were making a significant compromise.
People make various types of compromises when it comes to love. I propose that we can distinguish four major types: (a) compromising on the overall value of the partner, (b) compromising on the presence of love, (c) compromising on the nature of the experience of love, e.g., whether it is as passionate as we desire, and (d) compromising on the activities within a given relationship.
The first type of compromises concerns whether we judge that the overall value of our partner is above, below or on a par with ourselves. This involves a judgment as to whether we think we deserve more or less in the relationship; that is, whether we consider ourselves to be under-compensated, over-compensated or receiving exactly what we deserve. This type of compromise becomes substantial if we feel that our partner is not on an equal footing with us.
The second type of compromises, which involves people's readiness to compromise the very existence of love, may take the form of not activating a loving heart-for example, by remaining in a romantically dull relationship, or repressing a loving heart-for example, by not pursuing genuine love. This type of compromise often stems from factors such as people's disbelief in their ability to find ideal love, a series of disappointments and heartbreaks that have been occasioned by such search, or the assumption that such a search does not warrant the risks that it involves.
The third type of compromise relates not the search for love, but to the ability to live in a loving relationship that is not the ideal one. Here the compromise is over the presence of features typical of romantic love, such as intense sexual desire or profound admiration of the partner.
The last type of compromises relates to compromises that are made within a given romantic relationship. Thus, couples compromise on who washes the dishes or pay the bills or whether to go to a football game or an opera. People are more prepared to compromise on activities and roles within a loving relationship than on the overall value of their partner. There are a variety of ways in which to carry out loving activities withina relationship and therefore there is room for compromising on the specific manner of doing so. Accordingly, it is no surprise that there are many more sites in the Internet that deal with the term "relationship compromises" than there are for "romantic compromises."
When one considers one's partner to be a compromise, one typically refers to the overall comparative value of the partner. Calculating the comparative value of a person is difficult and complex as it involves many features with different relative weight. Moreover, the comparative framework of compromising can differ. Thus, the comparative framework can be the perfect prince mounted on a white horse or it can be the next door neighbor. Despite the difficulties in calculating the comparative value of a partner, people often do so. People compare their partner to other people and to themselves and determine a comparative value. When there are discrepancies between what we desire or believe we deserve, and what we have, romantic relationships are likely to run into difficulties.
A crucial feature that transforms the comparative concern into emotional attitudes and behavior is that of deservingness. When we consider our partner to be "below" us or other available partners, our love will be reduced as we believe that we deserve a better fortune. In this case, we are likely to look for other partners. One outcome of this is a readiness to have an extramarital affair. Those who consider themselves to be either above or below their partners are more likely to engage in an extramarital affair (see here).
The main problem in compromising on the value of a partner is the perception that such a compromise implies mediocrity; it is a recognition that one cannot excel, cannot expect everything, and cannot have the very best, so one settles for what is available and comfortable in the current circumstances.
Compromises, however, do not necessarily imply mediocrity or indifference. On the contrary, they are often part of an ongoing process of trying to accommodate in the best possible manner to the dynamic circumstances. Although the choice made in a compromise is not the best in all possible worlds, it may nevertheless be the optimal available choice in the given circumstances.
Accepting the partner as an optimal choice in the given circumstance may be indeed enable us to feel satisfied with our partner, but the sense of having settled for less than the best remains a problem. The Romantic Ideology, which considers the beloved to be "the nearest thing to heaven" and holds that love is able to overcome all obstacles, makes any type of compromise very hard to accept. Furthermore, the difficulties involved in accepting any kind of romantic compromise is enhanced by the recognition that there are successful loving relationships in which the partners love each other passionately even after many years, sometimes well beyond their 30th anniversary. We might be able to live with high ideals that can never be fulfilled, but it is much harder to live with ideals that are fulfilled only by other people.
To sum up, compromises are valuable in love, though people often pay an exaggerated emotional price for them.
The above considerations can be encapsulated in the following statement that a lover might express: "Darling, until we go to Heaven, please think of me as the optimal partner you can have on earth; and taking into account my great love for you, you might even consider me to be an excellent partner. In Paradise, there might be someone better (but, I think, not much better)."
