Take, for example, the case of a woman whose husband currently earns $60,000, while she would like him to earn $1,000,000 a year. Splitting the difference would mean that he would have to earn $470,000, which is quite impractical as it is impossible for him to increase his earnings to that extent. Moreover, sometimes the differences are not of the same nature and hence are incommensurable. If one person loves to spend his weekends at home while his partner loves to spend her weekends hiking on mountain, it is not so easy to split the difference. If he hates hiking, there is no point in suggesting that they stay at home one weekend and go hiking on the other.

Such a mechanical manner of compromising misses the essence of romantic love, which is to care profoundly for the beloved without continually making calculations to compare what you get and what you give at each moment of the day.

Successful compromises are those in which people do not feel that they are compromising. Such compromises do not give half to one person and half to the other; rather, they pay close attention to the significant concerns of each person and attempt to address them. What an outside observer might consider to be an insignificant issue can be highly meaningful to the person involved. In successful compromises, the preferred solution is that the essential concerns of each side are not compromised. One may not win it all, but one does not lose anything that is essential (at least not compared with what one gains). An outside or detached observer might merely count the quantity of objective measures, such as what one person gives and gets, and so might not consider the compromise to be fair; but the participating parties might feel that it is quite equitable and that it complies with their genuine concerns.

While mechanical compromises are likely to be unsatisfactory in dealing with more complex dilemmas, an arrangement in which, for example, each partner takes responsibility for washing the dishes on alternate days can be constructive; this, however, is not a real compromise but merely a fair sharing of the household chores. A genuine compromise expresses reciprocal caring and not a superficial give-and-take calculation. Accordingly, in a genuine compromise, we should not expect to get something comparable in return. When you give unconditionally, you may even get much more in return.

The non-mechanical nature of compromises accords with the non-mechanical nature of romantic reciprocity. Both compromise and reciprocity involve giving and getting. However, while the focus in reciprocity is upon getting what one deserves (the original meaning of the word reciprocity is "return the same way"), the focus in compromise is on giving something of value (one literal meaning refers to "making concessions"). In both cases we can distinguish between the superficial and profound senses of the words.

Superficial reciprocity and compromise involve mechanical calculations about what one gives in relation to what one gets out of the relationship. In the case of profound reciprocity and compromise, each person seeks the profound happiness and well-being of the other, without focusing unduly on superficial calculations. When I do something for my beloved, I do it not because I expect to get something in return, but because I care for her. Of course, even in genuine romantic love we would find it difficult if only one partner sends loving messages and gives presents, while the other completely avoids doing such things. It is not the quantity of messages and presents that counts but the symbolic act of sending and giving them. One may be less prone to writing and giving presents, but still expresses one's love in other ways. A complete absence of profound reciprocity and compromises is contrary to genuine romantic love.

Mechanical compromises that involve splitting the difference are of the superficial kind and are easier to detect and assess by outsider observers; hence they tend to be more popular. However, genuine romantic love does not involve outside observers, but close and intimate people who should care about each other.

The above considerations can be encapsulated in the following statement that a lover might express: "Darling, as we care so much for each other, I don't think that you should superficially calculate the time and effort that each of us invest in doing the dishes. But if you do want to make calculations, please take into account that it takes me a lot more effort to love you than it takes you to love me."