Gratitude comprises two basic desires: the desire to reward the object personally and the desire for the object's positive evaluation of us. The first desire expresses the positive evaluation of the object; the second reflects our wish to be on an equal footing with the object. The subject-object relationship in gratitude often expresses inequality, with the receiver being in an inferior position. Hence, envy, resentment and hostility are often associated with gratitude.

The above considerations explain our desire for reciprocity. A most significant form of reciprocity is to return a gift. If one cannot return the gift immediately, then a tacit promise of future return is part of gratitude. Thus, a common way of expressing gratitude for an act of generosity is to say that one will never forget this act, that is, one will not forget to make the appropriate return at the appropriate time. The giver, who gives willingly, attempts to abolish the impression of inequality and is often uncomfortable with signs of gratitude; accordingly, the giver asks the beneficiary "not to mention it," "to forget it," or says that "it was nothing." Although gratitude is quite strong when an unexpected and unusual good deed is done on our behalf, we may feel even deeper gratitude in response to long-term kindness.

An important feature of gratitude is that the gift should seem to be extra, that is, something beyond what we normally expect or what justice requires. This feature is present, since social norms define many occasions on which a gift is expected. If the gift does not exceed what we normally expect on such occasions, then intense gratitude may not result, if any. If the gift is less than what we normally expect, resentment is likely to be provoked.

Describing when a gift is perceived as extra, is sometimes difficult, as it requires determining the personal baseline against which actions or objects seem to be extra. The sociologist Arlie Hochschild, in her paper, "The economy of gratitude," describes the complexities of such baselines by examining the generation of gratitude in a two-job marriage: "A husband does the laundry, makes the beds, washes the dishes. Relative to his father, his brother and several men on the block this husband helps more at home. He also does more than he did ten years ago. All in all he feels he has done more than his wife could reasonably expect, and with good spirit. He has given her, he feels, a gift. She should, he feels, be grateful. However, to his wife the matter seems different. In addition to her eight hours at the office, she does 80 percent of the housework. Relative to all she does, relative to what she wants to expect of him, what she feels she deserves, her husband's contribution seems welcome, but not extra, not a gift."

The importance of the deservingness issue in gratitude implies that mere consideration of one's neediness is not enough for the generation of gratitude. If we regard our very baseline inferiority as unjust, then we may resent the gift and its giver.

It appears that gratitude is present in genuine love. Lovers view their beloved as exceptional, as being beyond their dreams, and consequently they regard themselves as highly fortunate and lucky to have found this special person (see here). They often perceive this love to be exceptional in the sense that it is unique and cannot be found elsewhere. The sense of uniqueness that pervades genuine love is expressed in phrases that relate to miracles and magic: "You put a spell on me," "You are my magic magician," and "Our love reverses nature's laws." The exceptional nature of the beloved enables the lover not merely to be grateful but also proud of this love.

In light of the belief that the other's action exceeds what we formally deserve, gratitude seems to imply unpaid debt. This makes the debtor's position inferior, and it makes the inferior-superior relation a significant component of gratitude. Another possible metaphor of typical gratitude is that of a trustee: gratitude is often like having accepted a deposit rather than like having taken out a loan. Unlike taking a loan, in receiving a deposit we are not inferior to the object; we already have some credit and do not have to prove ourselves. Whereas loans are associated with shame, deposits are a source of pride. Gratitude involves both types of situations: of debtor and trustee. In cases of genuine love and real friendship, the trustee metaphor is more adequate than the debtor metaphor; however, in gratitude toward people less close to us, the debtor metaphor is more adequate.

The above considerations can be encapsulated in the following statement that a lover might express: "Darling, I am so grateful that the Good Lord has given me such a virtuous person as you I only wonder: Why didn't He give you the ability to perceive some of my virtues too?"