"If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins." Benjamin Franklin
"To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest." Mahatma Gandhi
"All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love." Ann Landers
There are various activities that we use for coping with conflicts in our romantic relationships. These activities range from one-sided activities, such as coercion and surrender, to the most interactive ones, such as compromise and complementation. Here are a few major activities for coping with conflicts:
1. Coercing-coercing the other into accepting something negative;
2. Unilateral concession-accepting something negative without getting anything in return.
3. Tolerating-accepting something negative while maintaining a strong negative attitude toward it.
4. Compensating-something is given in order to compensate for loss, suffering, or injury (which has often been inflicted by some kind of coercing).
5. Compromising-accepting something negative in order to obtain something positive in return.
6. Complementing-combining characteristics from various parties to form a complete whole enhancing each party.
7. Accommodating-the process by which the positive aspects gain greater weight to the extent that the negative ones almost (or even entirely) disappear.
8. Settling-the process by which the negative aspects gain greater weight to the extent that the positive ones almost (or even entirely) disappear.
The first four activities, coercing, unilateral concession, tolerating, and compensating, are essentially one-sided activities; as such they are not helpful in resolving most conflicts. The next two activities, compromising and complementing, are the major methods of seeking a positive solution to conflicts. The last two activities, accommodating and settling, are processes by which we cope with a given conflict resolution.
The first two activities, coercing and unilateral concession, are the most one-sided; they do not involve any consideration of the other and even display a profound wish to disassociate from the other. Sometimes, when no other type of interaction is feasible, disconnecting oneself from the other is the only remaining option. Unilateral concession seems to be the more moral way, as it offers the other greater freedom, but it is unhelpful in the long run as it demeans the giver and resentment is likely to accumulate. When intimate personal relationships involve submissiveness, they morally unjust and problems are bound to occur, since such relationships need to express the value of each person in the relationship.
Tolerance and compensation are still one-sided, but less so than coercing and concession. Tolerance involves concession, but it is a more temporary and limited concession. It can be described as a tactical concession compared with the strategic one associated with unilateral concession. In tolerance we accept the negative recourse, not because we think it is good, but because we believe it is the best solution in the present circumstances (which could change in the future). (see here)
Compensation is defined as "something, such as money, given or received as payment or reparation, as for a service or loss or injury." In compensation we do not change whatever it is that we did, which is typically a unilateral decision or action that we took without consulting the other. Compensation is often not a solution to the conflict, but a measure that might facilitate the healing of the wounds caused by an unfavorable resolution. In compensation there is no real engagement between the two parties; there is only a one-off action done in recompense for having taken a one-sided resolution.
The major means for genuine conflict resolution, especially in love, are compromising and complementation. Compromise is typically not a one-time state, but rather an ongoing process. In compromise there is the need to accept something that has a certain negative value. There can be various reasons for accepting something of negative value, but the major one in the case of compromise is that something positive is gained in return. In compromise one gives up something of value in order to get something else of greater value. Compromise can be characterized as an attempt to cope with a situation in which one experiences a gap between the desired and the available by giving up some aspects of the desired while keeping others of them (see here).
Complementation is defined as "completing something or making two things into one whole; being complements of each other." ‘Complement' is derived from the Latin word for "fill up" or "complete." When something complements another thing, it does more than complete it; it enhances it. Certain wines complement particular dishes; certain condiments complement specific foods; and certain colors might complement your hair or eyes. A complementary arrangement is one that is compatible to both parties. Complementation is a relational structure by which two independent people enhance each other's strength and improve their common experience. The opposite of ‘to complement' is ‘to clash'. Complementation requires both people to be constructively active. More than any other means of conflict resolution, it requires relational and interactive activities from both partners.
Applying the notions of compromise and complementation to the romantic realm, we can say that when one compromises, one is accepting the negative in order to prevent harmful consequences, during complementation the focus is upon further nurturing the relationship. Accordingly, we might say that compromise is part of a Preventative Approach to love, while complementation is part of a Nurturing Approach to love (see here). In reality we need both approaches, and the quality of the relationship is determined by the weight and the overall balance between them both.
The above considerations can be encapsulated in the following perspective that a married person might express: "Darling, I know that conflicts are part of our romantic relationship, but let us not try to win the battle, but rather to cope with our conflicts in an interactive manner which takes into account our individual needs and values."
