"I knew I was a winner back in the late sixties. I knew I was destined for great things. People will say that kind of thinking is totally immodest. I agree. Modesty is not a word that applies to me in any way - I hope it never will." Arnold Schwarzenegger
"It is far more impressive when others discover, your good qualities without your help." ?Miss Manners
Modesty is generally considered to be an important virtue. Its characterization, however, is problematic, especially in personal relationships. I would like to propose the following claims: (a) modest people believe that the fundamental worth of one human being is basically similar to that of every other person, and (b) people differ concerning their personal achievements or professional worth and usually should not hide these in their close personal and romantic relationships.
Modesty requires a realization of the fundamentally similar worth of all human beings, and the evaluation of this similarity as more significant than the differences resulting from the accomplishments of different human beings. Einstein, for example, was a modest man who no doubt recognized his exceptional accomplishments in physics, but believed that our personal talents and accomplishments are of less importance when related to our role and place in the universe. Considering each human being's marginal place in the universe, or for some people, considering the greatness of God, the differences among individual human beings become insignificant.
Modesty does not require us to hide our accomplishments, but rather not to display them in contexts that may promote uncomfortable feelings among our listeners. In contexts involving people (often strangers) who may be made uncomfortable by the description of our accomplishments, it should be avoided. However, our lovers should not be uncomfortable when realizing our accomplishments as they should know that we do not consider them to be inferior to us. It does not make sense to share only our misfortunes with our lovers (and friends). No doubt, if we keep telling our lovers how good we are, we are not modest, as modesty consists of not overrating the significance of our accomplishments.
Unlike profound human modesty, which is concerned with not overrating one's human worth, professional modesty is often associated with humility, namely, with underrating oneself. There are many cases in which professional modesty is uncalled for but human modesty is still appropriate. Thus, in discussions on professional matters, professional modesty is often out of place. We should insist upon our view if we believe in its merits.
At the basis of romantic love there is a profound positive evaluation of one or a few of the beloved's characteristics. By giving a significant weight to assorted characteristics of the beloved, lovers do not necessarily distort reality nor are they completely blind to the beloved's faults; they simply do not consider such faults to be significant and sometimes they even perceive them to be charming. Romantic love does not necessarily involve cognitive ignorance; rather, it is based upon evaluative preferences that cannot be described as true or false.
In a somewhat similar manner, the modest person gives greater weight to the aspects she has in common with other human beings and less weight to her professional or personal achievements. In doing so, she is not ignoring reality but is attributing different weight to other characteristic. In this sense, she cannot be incorrect. Thus, if a woman is madly in love with a caring and wise man that is not handsome, we cannot say that she is mistaken in doing so.
Various people have said that the claim: "I am modest" is as self-defeating as the claim "I always tell lies." While the latter claim expresses self-knowledge, they believe that the former claim involves a concealment or lack of self-knowledge, and that consequently it is as self-defeating as the latter. Jack Benny's quip that "Modesty is my best quality" may well evoke laughter, since it implies that he has no worthier qualities.
But if I am correct in saying that modesty does not involve a lack of self-knowledge, but stems rather from bestowing different evaluative weight to the diverse qualities of different human beings, then a person who describes herself as modest might be someone who believes in the fundamentally equal worth of each human being. There is therefore no contradiction in being modest and being proud of one's superior stand from a social or professional angle. While acknowledging this type of superiority, the modest person will deny that it has any implication whatsoever concerning the profound similarity of all human beings.
This is particularly true of profound romantic relationships where lovers believe in the great value of their beloveds and assume that their own accomplishments will generate merely pride, rather than envy, in their beloveds. If we have to guard our modesty in the presence of our lovers, it means that we do not trust them to understand our profound love for them.
Such a view of modesty can be encapsulated in the following view that an imaginary beloved might express: "Darling, let us tell each other about our accomplishments while being proud, rather than envious, of each other."
Adapted from The Subtlety of Emotions
