"I have noted that persons with bad judgment are most insistent that we do what they think best." Lionel Abel
"I can do anything you want me to do, as long as I don't have to speak." Linda Evangelista
In genuine love, where the lover does not regard the beloved as his or her competitor, intelligence is often a desirable characteristic in the beloved. Like other characteristics that determine our love, the weight of intelligence in evoking love varies in different circumstances. Since intelligence has a greater weight in cyber love than in offline romantic relationships, people who value intelligence might seek to initiate, and sometimes even to maintain, romantic relationships in cyberspace.
Intellectual capacities play greater role in online than in offline relationships. The main reason for this is that the weight of conversation-which is essentially an intellectual activity-is far greater in online relationships. In an online relationship you cannot just sit silently with your partner watching television, nor can silence or detachment characterize your other activities or your time together. In cyber relationships you are engaged in conversation and expressions of thoughts, ideas, and responses, all of which use a range of intellectual capacities.
A woman who has participated in cybersex writes: "The best sex, obviously, is with someone literate enough to ‘paint a picture' describing activities or thoughts. I suppose that in face-to-face activities, someone stupid could still be extraordinarily sexy. But stupid doesn't work online, at least not for me." Another woman described how, after a very intense online love affair, she married her online lover and discovered that their love deepened even more after their marriage: "I think being able to get to know someone deeply on an intellectual level makes a huge difference in how a relationship grows. (As long as Honesty is always observed.)"
Philip Barry wryly characterized love as "Two minds without a single thought." Such an ironic characterization applies much less to online romantic relationships, which are based upon thoughts. As one man remarks: "I would argue that cybersex is good for the brain." Accordingly, if typical offline communication can be described as face-to-face communication, online romantic communication might be described as brain-to-brain communication.
Intellectual means play a greater role in achieving emotional intimacy in online relationships. Accordingly, it is easier to gauge a person's intellectual abilities in such relationships-so it is not surprising that many perceive their online partner to be more intelligent than their offline spouse. Indeed, a married woman recounts the pain she felt when her husband said that, although he loves her (the wife) and would never leave her, his online partner is "the most intelligent woman he's ever talked to."
The greater role played by intelligence in online relationships can make the online partner appear more attractive, since intelligence, as well as a sense of humor, are among the most engaging features in the opposite sex. This may be an illusion, since it is clear that a more profuse display of intelligence does not mean a better quality of intelligence. However, taking into account the relative advantage that those with intellectual capacities enjoy in online romantic relationships, as well as people's natural tendency to be drawn toward areas in which they can be more successful, it is plausible to assume that those participating in extended online relationships are likely to be of above average intelligence.
From another perspective, online relationships may be considered to be more emotional than offline relationships. The great availability of exciting alternatives and the lack of practical considerations enable people to go with their emotional drives and instincts when visiting cyberspace. Rational considerations concerning the costs involved in ending an unsuccessful personal relationship carry considerably less weight in cyberspace, where people can more easily follow their hearts.
In online relationships, then, intellectual means are used for generating intense emotions. The other direction of influence is evident as well: emotional features influence intellectual attitudes. Thus, most sober and intellectual people experience intense emotions in cyberspace. As one person testifies, "I'm a rational woman whose heart has never been touched until now."
The combination of such intellectual and emotional aspects can make online conversations both pleasant and extremely satisfying. No wonder that some online couples spend many hours a day writing to each other. When participating in such communication, people report that they feel as if they are immersed in an enjoyable ocean. They often testify that each hour seems like minutes because time passes so quickly when you are with the one you love.
In cyberspace, the conflict between emotional and intellectual perspectives is less significant because practical implications, which are assessed via intellectual deliberation, are less important. Since the integration of the two perspectives is less problematic to achieve online, it is easier to make more extensive use of both the emotional and intellectual capacities. In this sense, it often feels less difficult to express emotional intelligence in cyberspace. Indeed, many online romantic relationships successfully combine emotional and intellectual aspects. Such a combination, which is at the heart of emotional intelligence, is of great value in the romantic realm.
Such a view of online relationships can be encapsulated in the following claim that an imaginary beloved might express: "Darling, although you may not seem to be as wise and passionate as my online lover, I still love you for what you are."
Adapted from Love Online
