In the Name of Love

A Philosopher Looks at Our Deepest Emotions

Aaron Ben-Zeév is President and Professor of Philosophy at the University of Haifa. His books include: In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and its Victims. See full bio

May 23, 2009, Philosophy

Comments on "Darling, Why Do We Hurt the One We Love?"

Darling, Why Do We Hurt the One We Love?

By Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D. on May 23, 2009 in In the Name of Love

Love, which is such a noble attitude, often involves seemingly paradoxical behavior when we hurt the one we love. How can we explain such negative conduct toward someone who we love so much? Read More

It is an error to think that

Submitted by Anonymous on May 23, 2009 - 9:50am.

It is an error to think that people stop communicating because of a deliberate wish to hurt. In fact no genuine lover would like to see his/her beloved suffering. Sometimes however the beloved person is behaving in an unacceptable way. To discover that the lover lied or manipulated is far more hurting than just to stop communicating with him.

errors on both sides

Submitted by Alo on May 23, 2009 - 10:43am.

the reader is right in claiming that no genuine lover would like to see her beloved suffer. But there are also so many errors when one attributes to the other behaving in an unacceptable way. no genuine lover will lie or manipulate his lover. no way. there can be so many misunderstandings in this regard. more information is so vital here.

No

Submitted by Mica on May 23, 2009 - 9:24pm.

People may stop communicating to hurt their lover on purpose to show that his/her needs are not met - it may just be another way of getting your lover to understand you.

yes

Submitted by gl on May 23, 2009 - 11:02pm.

Yes, you are right. but every means has its own due course. After a while it may be counterproductive, as it may be interpret not as a means but as a goal.

Why the imbalance?

Submitted by Anonymous on August 11, 2009 - 8:54pm.

"The woman, who can and is ready to get divorced, may be hurt by the man's inability to leave his wife, believing that it indicates that his love for her is more superficial than hers for him. However much the man might really want to make her the happiest person in the world, his external circumstances are beyond his control and make him behave in a way that hurts her."

Why are the circumstances "beyond his control" for the man and not for the woman, who is in the same situation in your example?

Anyone can leave a marriage, but too often, men seem to claim that they are obligated to remain in one.

Of course, I say this as a heartbroken woman who left her husband for someone who would not leave his wife...