Never giving up all this love. (Aaliyah)
If you happen to see the most beautiful girl that walked out on me, Tell her, "I'm sorry." Tell her, "I need my baby." (Charlie Rich)
Anastasia, smile away the past, Anastasia, spring is here at last (Pat Boone)
Quite often, lovers confront some kind of obstacle that prevents them from fulfilling their passionate love. Should such lovers be passionate or patient? It seems that in different circumstances, either characteristic could be essential and it is up to the lover to recognize the circumstance and behave passionately or patiently.
Patience entails the capacity to wait (being able to endure waiting without becoming annoyed or upset) and to persevere (being able to persevere calmly, especially when encountering difficulties or frustration.) Passion entails a susceptibility to fervor, being easily excited or agitated, and the propensity to feel emotions intensely. Genuine lovers are both passionate and patient.
Emotional people are by their very nature passionate, as they feel strong desire toward the object of their emotions. Emotions are like a storm: since they are unstable states that signify some agitation, they are intense, occasional, and of limited duration. Another popular metaphor compares emotions to a fire. This description of emotions indicates their sense of urgency-the agent's emotions are confronted with an urgent event that necessitates an urgent response.
There are many love stories that praise the postponement of sexual gratification till the right moment, even indefinitely. True love, it is said, is able to wait and can prevail even when the circumstances are not suitable. Lines such as "I'll be waiting for you till the sun don't shine" and "I will patiently wait for you till the end of time," echo the sentiments of many lovers. Such an attitude leads people to compromise on the less significant temporal aspect in order to avoid compromising on the more significant aspect: the beloved. Lovers are prepared to be patient and make the compromises necessary to their unique situation (and that of their beloved) if this is the only way to fulfill their desired love.
The opposite of being emotional is being indifferent, namely, being apathetic. In contrast to emotional people, indifferent people are unresponsive to and detached from changes in their situation; they remain stable in the face of such changes. Accordingly, Libbie Fudim says, "Love me or hate me, but spare me your indifference."
Being patient is different from being indifferent. Being indifferent means showing no care or concern for or interest in the other person. Being patient involves a lot of care and concern for the other. Patience indicates that the long term concern is paramount and such a profound concern enables the waiting lover to endure until the sun shines upon him once again. Without such deep care, the waiting would be unbearable. Being indifferent toward the other implies a lack of love; being patient toward the other implies a profound care and love in which the lover is ready to endure until reunion with the beloved becomes possible.
In the Song of Songs, the daughters of Jerusalem are given some advice: "awaken not, nor stir up love, until it please." This advice refers to situations where no love is present and time is needed for it to be aroused. In the case of the patient lover, love is present but the appropriate external circumstances for it to be fully implemented are missing.
The combination of being both passionate and patient is expressed even in the experience of making love. There are exciting scenes in which the two lovers cannot wait a second after meeting and without any foreplay the man wildly penetrates the woman. In other, no less exciting scenes, the foreplay is relatively lengthy -- the man may slowly and patiently kiss the woman while she passively receives his kisses; in such cases, both lovers want to postpone the actual penetration as long as possible.
While the waiting is sometimes pleasurable, at other times it is painful, as love is not fully implemented. Waiting is pleasurable when it is part of an intrinsically valuable activity, as in the case of love making; waiting is painful when it is part of an extrinsically valuable activity that could involve overcoming external hurdles, such as dissolving a current marriage before being able to be together.
Another important factor that determines whether the waiting period is bearable or unbearable is the likelihood that the postponed love will be fulfilled eventually. The two separated lovers' profound love gives meaning to their lives and helps them carry on, but it might also cause them suffering. If the lovers knew for sure that their love would be fully realized, it would be much easier for them to wait, even for a long time.
The value of romantic waiting is expressed in the ballad about John Reilly:
John Reilly
Fair young maiden
All in the garden
Strange young man
Passed her by
Said: "Fair maid
Will you marry me?"
This, then, sir,
Was her reply
"Oh no, kind sir
I cannot marry thee
For my beloved
Who sails out on the sea
He's been gone
For seven years
And still no man
Shall marry me
Well if he's in
Some battle salin
Well I will die
When the moon
Or if he's drowned
In the dark salt sea
I'll be true
To his memory."
He picked her up
All in his arms
And kisses gave her
One, two and three
Said: "Weep no more
My own dear true love
I am your love
Lost John Reilly"
This maiden's extreme patience is rare to find and in many cases even not to be recommended. Nevertheless, it does express a profound element of genuine love: the hope of overcoming difficulties and the readiness to suffer for it. The candle's light of love can be fortified despite the strong wind blowing against it.
It is hard to recommend patience to a passionate lover who has to scale so many mountains, and it is even harder to be patient in such a situation. The best advice is probably to try to be passionately patient. And, yes, it is always advantageous to trust your heart and retain your hope.
(The wonderful painting is by Michael & Inessa Garmash)
