"Hope is a good breakfast, but a bad supper." (Francis Bacon)
"Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light?" (Maurice Freehill)
According to Greek mythology, when Prometheus stole fire from the gods and gave it to mankind, Zeus in fury sent Pandora to earth, with a box which the gods warned her never to open. Unable to resist the temptation, she opened the box and out flew the cloud of evils which infest the earth. When Pandora closed the lid of the box, only hope remained inside. Prometheus's brother, Epimetheus (whose name may be translated as "second thought") married Pandora, although she brought with her no gift but hope. Epimetheus was wise enough to recognize the value of the gift of hope.
In many personal, political, psychological and religious contexts, hope is considered to be a blessing. Thus, hope is one of the three theological virtues recognized by Christianity, the others being faith and charity or love. Hope is often considered as a virtue given by God and connecting directly to God. Hope helps us to overcome everyday difficulties by looking beyond them to a better future. Hope is a "soft cushion" to lean on in adversity. In many cases, hope is the best medicine available to us. In light of its high functional value, hope is often considered an obligation, part of our duty to improve our own life and the lives of others, in moral and other qualitative aspects.
Hope has also been regarded negatively. From the depths of Auschwitz, Tadeusz Borowski judged hope as useless and even harmful: "We were never taught to rid ourselves of hope, and that is why we are dying in the gas-chambers." Hope may have a negative moral value if the hope for a better future makes us ignore present evils. In this sense, hope has a deceptive character; hence, we have the saying that hope is a poor guide, but very good company along the way. Moreover, when people hope for immoral objects, hope ceases to be morally valuable.
Hope may function as a dream or an ideal which helps us cope with the hardships of our life. We know, for example, that the beautiful song, "Home, Sweet Home," was composed by a longing, homeless wayfarer in a corner of a New York cafe. Like our other dreams, no-one can steal our hopes and when reality is hard, we can indulge in the pleasure of hopes. In this sense, hope is fundamental to our life. It seems that children are more hopeful than adults and this may be one reason why children are so attractive.
Losing hope is a dear price to pay. Ideals provide hope and a reference point for a better situation. The loss of hope, which is the loss of the capacity to imagine that things can be better, is a most profound type of loss-perhaps, the most tragic kind.
The attitudes toward the possible death of love may be compared to those toward literal death. Indeed, the echo of death is associated with personal relationships that lack sufficient emotional resonance; we speak about "dead marriages," "mechanical sex," "cold husbands," and "frigid wives." And after romantic separation, "Love seems dead and so unreal, all that's left is loneliness, there's nothing left to feel" (Dusty Springfield). The close affinity between love and death is also expressed in the fact that people are ready to sacrifice their life or to kill others for love. (The French famously refer to orgasm as "la petite morte," or "the little death.")
Three major strategies for coping with our looming death can be categorized as: (a) denying the value of life, (b) denying death, and (c) "business as usual". The first strategy takes death seriously and draws immediate implications concerning insignificance of life. The second denies altogether death, and the third puts death in brackets and recommends living as usual as if there were no such thing as death. All strategies may become, to a certain extent, a self-fulfilling prophecy-the first by facilitating death, and the two others by prolonging life.
Our strategies concerning the end (death) of love are often similar to those toward literal death. We may speak here then about the strategies of denying the value of love, denying the possible death of love, and behaving as if love will not end. As in the case of literal death, the two first strategies are highly problematic. In light of the crucial role of love in our life, denying its value seems to be counterproductive. Giving up on love has a similar self-fulfilling nature as giving up on life. If you do not believe in the chances that your romantic relationship will last, its chances of surviving are virtually nil. Indeed, the partner's optimism is associated with a better and longer-lasting relationship.
As in the case of literal death, also concerning the end of love, putting the end in brackets and exercising the strategy of ‘business as usual' is in most cases the optimal strategy. Not believing in the eternity of love does not mean, of course, that we cease to value love or to invest effort in the romantic relationship. Unlike what Kitty says in The Painted Veil, while objecting to buy flowers, it is not really silly to put much effort into something that's just going to die. Unlike God, we are of limited duration, and therefore investing merely in the eternal is giving up human life.
Accepting the tentative nature of love does not mean giving up love. It may, however, involve a certain degree of positive illusions and contentment with what we have, in the spirit of ‘Let's share the good times while we can.' It avoids both the nihilism that senses death to be just around the corner and the illusion that everything will last forever.
Accordingly, people should in many cases behave as if their current romantic relationship will last forever, and they really hope it will be so. But they should not be devastated if it does not turn out that way. In this case most people will look for another ideal love and some may even find someone whom they perceive to be closer to the ideal lover; however, this again may be for a limited time.
So darling, please remain hopeful about the future of our romantic relationship, and if this hope turns out to be an illusion, do not be devastated, as true love may be just around the corner.
Adapted from The Subtly of Emotions, and In the Name of Love
