Jealousy would be far less torturous if we understood that love is a passion entirely unrelated to our merits. (Paul Eldridge)
Jealousy is all the fun you think they had. (Erica Jong) .
The comparative concern, which is so essential in emotions, is clearly expressed in the manner in which jealousy is generated. The comparative characteristics of the lover are particularly important for determining the intensity of your partner's jealousy. Will a woman be more jealous if her husband's lover is beautiful than if she is wise? And what would make a husband's jealousy more intense-if his wife's lover is a woman or a man?
Generally, jealousy increases when the domain of the rival's achievements is relevant to our self-esteem. Thus, a jealous reaction is more likely with individuals who place great importance on physical attractiveness when their rival is unusually attractive. Similarly, a woman with a large real-ideal discrepancy in personal wealth, and for whom wealth is very important to her self-esteem, is likely to report great jealousy if her husband flirted with a wealthy woman at a party more so than if her husband flirted with a woman with different attributes such as attractiveness or popularity.
The significance of the rival's achievements in jealousy depends not only on its relevance to the way we desire ourselves to be but also to the way we believe our partner finds desirable. Jealousy would be intense if we would know that our partner likes smart people and the rival is smart. The threat to our relationship increases when the rival is compatible with our partner's desires.
These two different considerations, namely, those relevant to our self-esteem and those to the partner's desires express two major concerns in jealousy: a concern for self-esteem and a concern for the future of the relationship. Different people may give different weights to each of these concerns. For example, women typically give more weight to the second concern than men do. So, their jealousy is greater when stemming from believing the rival to possess characteristics that their partner finds desirable. Men's jealousy is greater in response to a rival who possesses enviable qualities from the standpoint of their own self-esteem. Women, more so than men, consider their partners' desires as constituting relevant domains for their self-esteem.
Another interesting feature of the lover which may be relevant to the generation of jealousy is that of the rival's gender. Consider, for example, the case of a man whose wife has a loving relationship with another woman. It is plausible to assume that he would be less jealous in this case than if his wife was involved in a similar relationship with another man. The comparative concern is less profound in the first case, and hence the damage to the husband's self-image would usually be less. Moreover, the first case might also be perceived as involving matters beyond the man's control and lesser personal control is typically associated with lesser emotional intensity. However, as emotional intensity also depends upon personality, gender, and contextual features, more intense-or at least different emotions-may be aroused when the rival is the same gender as the partner. Moreover, other factors of emotional intensity, beside that of controllability, are likely to play a role here and could also generate even greater emotional intensity. One such factor might be readiness-that is, the extent to which we have anticipated the occurrence of such a situation. Accordingly, it seems that the same-sex infidelity will generate less intense jealousy.
The empirical studies on this issue are scant. The only two studies I know of agree that men report less intense jealousy in response to same-sex infidelity. However, while one study found a similar trend among women, the results of the other study are more ambiguous-while it also found that female-female sexual infidelity is considered to be less upsetting than heterosexual infidelity, it was unable to clarify whether male-male infidelity is more upsetting than male-female infidelity. The gender difference is explained by reference to evolutionary considerations: same-sex infidelity does not entail the asymmetrical threats of mistaken paternity (in the case of a female same-sex infidelity) or of resources being diverted to another woman's children (in the case of male same-sex infidelity).
Another suggestion as to why men might be less bothered than women are when their partner engages in same-gender sexual contact includes men's relatively greater eroticization of such contact; indeed, research shows that men are much more likely to eroticize female-female sexual contact than women are to eroticize male-male sexual contact.
Although the process that generates jealousy is complex and depends on various factors, the comparative concern indicates a few prevalent tendencies in this regard.
In any case, if you decide (after lengthy consideration, of course) to take a lover, and yet you nevertheless want to reduce the pain this causes your partner, please choose a lover whose advantages are less relevant to your partner's self-image. And if you are in a heterosexual relationship, choosing a same-sex lover is likely to further reduce your partner's pain (at least in the case of a male partner). It seems that one can sin and still, to some extent, be considerate.
Adapted from The Subtlety of Emotions
