There ain't nothing in our way baby, nothing our love couldn't raise above. (Celine Dion)
Ain't no mountain high enough. (Diana Ross)
A central feature of ideal love is its ability to overcome various difficulties; hence, no mountain is high enough to stop love. Powerful love can overcome-"against all odds"-all major obstacles. A true lover can do anything for his beloved. In the words of Frank Sinatra, a lover is ready to do everything for the beloved: to move the earth, to tear the stars down from the sky, to walk on burning coals, to punch out Mr. T, to rob, steal, beg, lie, and, of course, to die for love and kill the beloved. Sinatra goes as far as to declare that a true lover is even ready to drive an inferior car so his beloved can travel in luxury: "I would drive the Chrysler, leave the Rolls for you." In Helen Fisher's survey of lovers, over 65% of them agreed that they never gave up loving their beloved, even when things were going poorly.
Ideal love is perceived as an overshadowing force, stronger than a person, with which one must abide (no wonder people equate love with the divine). Love can cope with all obstacles, not merely in the sense that it can solve all difficulties, but in the more profound sense that such difficulties, even if they continue to exist, are of lesser importance. If I love you, I can "fly on the wings of love," and then the earthly difficulties seem so far away and insignificant. The ascribed ability of ideal love to conquer all is compatible with the total nature of such love and the justification for disregarding reality. Even if reality may pose some obstacles to love, love can overcome them. The belief that "love overcomes all" is similar (in its optimistic nature) to the notion that "justice prevails."
The claim that love can overcome various obstacles does not mean that such a task requires no effort. Yes, love at first sight may spontaneously, effortlessly lead to an intimate relationship. But even in such cases, appearances may be deceiving, and we still struggle to maintain such love. In many other cases, even the first stages of love involve the investment of much effort in order to overcome various obstacles. It is often the case that such efforts can strengthen love-the resulting love is sweeter for the struggle it required. This has become known as the "Romeo and Juliet effect": if real impediments exist, such as a family feud or loving a married person, our love is likely to intensify. Think of Erich Segal's Love Story-in which a fatal illness can intensify love as perhaps nothing else. "Playing hard to get" is certainly an effective strategy for attracting a partner.
Playing hard to get forces the other person to make significant investments and ensures that indeed this person is ready to make a commitment to an enduring relationship. Indeed, Hollywood films portray genuine love as a culmination of a difficult journey; love in this sense must be "earned" and "proved," often by enduring the pain of separation. Just as the will to sacrifice is portrayed as an expression of genuine love, so is the will to fight against love's enemies. It is struggle that authenticates love as true. For in fact how can we cling to the whole ideal love-to the belief in "the right one," one true love, its enduring quality and immortal nature-if surrendering to difficulty is an option? Therefore, it cannot be an option. Obstacles are only tests one must endure and successfully pass; for love is proven in the defiance of external forces and constraints, which are merely attempts to shatter it.
It is surely the case that love places us in a good and optimistic mood, enabling us to function better and to meet the severe obstacles and mundane demands of everyday life. But functioning better and being able to better confront difficult obstacles is a far cry from dismissing the significance of such obstacles. There are many obstacles that love cannot overcome; hence love is uncertain and fragile. The assumption that love can conquer all gives no weight to changing personal and contextual features, and may be a source of a disappointment and distress, since people may blame themselves or their beloved for the relationship failing or even for having a relationship that is short of perfect.
Assigning blame may also become a prophecy that fulfills itself, and hence endangers healthy relationships. As Rosa, a single mother in her fifties, says "I am looking for perfection and I have been mistaken in my choices. I turn down opportunities to be with men because I judge these men as far from perfect. As I get older, I seem to be softening, but I also seem to be getting clearer on what I like and want. I don't want superficiality-but for the first time in my life, I am considering having sex with someone I don't see as partner material!"
A total and uncompromising attitude toward reality and the beloved may terminate many relationships, which are, in this sense, doomed from the start. In the words of Jim Croce, "you wanted a martyr, just a regular guy wouldn't do."
The ideal of moving the earth, together with being prepared to make do with a Chrysler so the beloved can enjoy the luxurious Rolls, is not utterly nonsensical. The great weight of love in our life and the profound value of the beloved justify making significant sacrifices for her, but those sacrifices are limited as well. We are not God, and hence we cannot do everything-and yes, occasionally the mountain is too high to climb, and sometimes there are other values in life. To kill or commit suicide for love is without doubt too high a price to pay for love; to "leave the Rolls" may be painful as well, but might be considered in certain unique circumstances.
Adapted from In The Name of Love
