"A man in the house is worth two in the street." Mae West
"I can't mate in captivity." Gloria Steinem on why she had never married (later, she did get married)
The relatively new practice of engaging in cybersex (sometimes even with the awareness and approval of the offline partner) facilitates greater romantic flexibility in a marriage. This practice may be described as "Whetting your appetite outside while eating at home." As one married man notes: "It does not really matter where you get your appetite from as long as you eat at home." Indeed, some people testify that their cybersex actually increases sexual activity with their primary partner. The question is whether whetting your appetite outside will not encourage you to leave home. (The man quoted above admits: "My first marriage ended because my wife just had to see what it would be like to sleep with her online lover.") A married woman, who participates in cybersex both with her husband and without him, notes: "If there were more ‘safe' sexual outlets that couples could enjoy together, maybe less people would stray into destructive behavior." (see Love Online)
Engaging in cybersex with the awareness of the offline partner seems to be a revolutionary step in the search of greater romantic flexibility. It provides circumstances in which the monopoly of marriage (or another type of committed relationship) over sex is broken in a limited manner that may be normatively and emotionally acceptable to some people. In these circumstances the violation of sexual exclusivity is not clandestine (as in typical extramarital affairs), but it does not completely deny the privileged sexual status of the significant other (as is often the case in open marriages).
The above practice may be considered as a sexual sharing in which you can have your cake and eat it, too. A key issue for the success of this practice is the assumption that it will not hurt the primary relationship offline. Cyberspace provides some partial measures with which to deal with this issue. The assumption that everyone is satisfied and no harm is done is particularly dominant in cyberspace. The virtual nature of cyberspace indeed reduces risks such as unwanted pregnancy, disease, physical injury, and significant financial expense. Thus, a woman whose husband "allows" her to engage in cybersex writes: "I have been with my husband for almost 18 years. Our sex life is great with the exception of a lack of it during the week because of work exhaustion. This is when I ‘play' ... and it takes nothing at all away from him."
If indeed the practice of "whetting your appetite outside while eating at home" harms no one, then romantic affairs may not be in conflict with a committed relationship. A woman whose husband had an affair notes:
"When a man has an affair, what is unbearable is the belief that someone else makes him happy and you are no longer the center of his world. But if you can overcome the initial pain and think reasonably, you may be able to see that you can stay within his world even if he loves another woman as well. When a woman marries a painter or a pilot, she does not demand that he give up his love of painting or of flight, since she understands that such love is necessary for the integrity of his happiness. Having another woman is perhaps similar."
It is interesting to note that the opposite attitude exists as well: people who prefer their work to their partners may also provoke some sort of jealousy.
A liberal attitude toward romantic affairs is rarer in offline circumstances where two simultaneous relationships can cause more conflicts. Such conflicts are less evident in cyberlove, as its unique features may provide novel experiences that do not compete with prevailing offline experiences. Thus, the essential role of conversation in cyberlove may touch upon personal aspects not satisfied in offline relationships. One woman writes: "I have a great husband and I love him dearly. As he does me. I am very sure he has never cheated on me. Well...I met someone online. I could talk and connect to him about things my husband will never be interested in, like poetry, karma, life, and death. We feel good together. Yes, by now we have had cybersex." People testify that online affairs have opened other ways to use their mind and even to make them better people.
The practice of "whetting your appetite outside while eating at home" may then not be suitable for all couples in all circumstances. Some may uphold marriage's monopoly on sex from the moment of their vows until death; others may not apply that monopoly to cyberspace. Others may stick to the old-fashioned practice of proclaimed monogamy and clandestine adultery. Still others may adopt an open relationship in which sexual exclusivity is not demanded.
The failure of open marriage in the sixties is an indication of the difficulties inherent in maintaining multiple relationships. Love is both exclusive and comprehensive-the object of love has a unique status and it also requires full attention. Having multiple lovers may make it impossible to retain this exclusivity, which would lead to a concomitant reduction in the intensity of emotions. The lack of a firm commitment might endanger the comprehensive nature of love and raise questions about whether this is a deep romantic relationship.
Cyberspace offers an environment in which the major traditional concerns about romantic exclusivity are reduced, but do not disappear. Cyberlove does not threaten paternity, does not transmit diseases, and does not divert physical resources from offline relationships. However, mental resources such as time and attention are invested in an online relationship and hence can harm the primary offline relationship. Indeed, there is evidence indicating that cybersex is leading to an increased number of divorces.
In light of the fact that the Internet facilitates greater access to infidelity and adultery at lower costs and lower risk, we should expect further modifications in moral and social norms. Such modifications may legitimize some practices currently considered as improper, and especially those prevailing in cyberspace. Adopting these norms may in some cases enable marriage to become sexually more satisfying, but it may as well risk the marital relationship (see In the Name of Love).
