"Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first." Job E. Hedges
"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded." Yogi Berra, declining an invitation to a certain restaurant
The comparative concern is crucial in emotions. The emotional environment contains not only what is, and what will be, experienced but also all of what might have been. Whereas emotions in animals refer mainly, though not merely, to their current actual situation, humans do not live exclusively in the immediate present. Through our mental capacities, we imagine what is likely to happen, what already happened, or what might happen and compare them with our current situation. The importance of the comparative concern is illustrated by the story of the man who was upset because he had no shoes-until he met a man who had no feet.
The comparison underlying emotional significance encompasses the mental construction of the availability of an alternative situation. The more available the alternative-that is, the closer the imagined alternative is to reality-the more intense the emotion, as comparison is easier. An illuminating example of this can be seen in a study conducted by Victoria Medvec and her colleagues, who found that bronze medalists in the Olympic Games tend to be happier than silver medalists. The suggested explanation for this surprising result is that the most compelling alternative for the silver medalists to compare is winning gold, whereas for the bronze medalists it is finishing without any medal at all.
The beloved is judged not merely by her/his qualities but by her/his comparative value-her value compared to past and present partners, as well as possible future and ideal ones.
The rewards one gets from having an attractive romantic partner can be compared to those one might get from owning a new car. Desirability in terms of a higher comparative status is crucial in judging the value of an attractive partner or a new car. In having an attractive wife, men often feel as if they have overtaken other people in the race for a better social status; hence, such wives are regarded as "Trophy wives." Generally, acquiring an attractive mate enhances a man's status more than a woman's.
We may speak in this regard about two seemingly opposed effects. One is the consumer effect, in light of which a product becomes more desirable when perceived as desired by others. The second is the rarity effect, in light of which the rarer the product is the more desirable it becomes. The price of a flawed coin is often much higher than that of otherwise identical coins which were minted in large quantities. The two effects are compatible in the major role that the comparative concern plays in them: We have greater desire for what is desired by others, but for precisely this comparative reason, we value it more if it is ours alone. Thus, a man may desire a woman more if other men desire her as well (and accordingly, demonstrating that others are interested is a good way of increasing the interest of your partner), but this man will value her more if she will remain exclusively his romantic partner.
Searching for a comparative better alternative makes a lot of evolutionary sense, as alternative circumstances may worsen or improve our present situation. However, in many intimate relationships, the alternative will not make a drastic difference. An alternative is often more tempting from a distance, when comparison is more difficult and the negative aspects are less discernable. Hence, when the brave modern lovers go on the road and make the tempting alternative real, there is high probability that they will eventually be disappointed-since the comparative value is not significant; after all, the alternative may not be essentially different from what one already had at home. The constant search for change often prevents people from finding love. Several love songs refer to this issue: "You can't be happy, while your heart's on the roam, you can't be happy until you bring it home" (The Brothers Four). And, "My lonely heart wonders if there'll ever come a day, when I can be happy, but I can't see no way, because I let my mind wonder... (Willie Nelson).
The comparative concern is most obvious when the attractiveness of the relationship itself is low and when external barriers that prevent the partners from leaving the relationship are insignificant. As Iris, a divorcee, says "I know that after my divorce, while being with my lover of 7 years, I never had a moment where I desired to stray in my fantasies or with my body; my fantasies and actions were always with him. It took no learning or will-power; I only desired him. However, I was not virtuous in my marriage-because I desired to be, and indeed was, with others" (see, In the Name of Love).
The comparative concern in cyberspace is even more significant. Cyberspace does not merely significantly increase the availability of desired alternatives, but it is in fact an alternative, available world, which runs parallel to the actual one. For many people, cyberspace is even comparatively better than the world they actually live in. Comparatively more desired circumstances are particularly significant in the romantic realm, as cyberspace is the largest gathering in human history.
Our comparative concern causes us to believe that the neighbor's grass is greener and deprives us of the possibility of being happy with our lot. In a related manner, sometimes people overrate the comparative weight of negative events in order to avoid them. Thus, healthy people imagine that 83 states of illness would be "worse than death," and yet people who are actually in those states rarely take their own lives. Our psychological system tends to seek a balance that allows us to feel sufficiently satisfied about our situation, but bad enough to do something about its negative aspects.
In the romantic realm, we cannot ignore the comparative concern-hence, romantic relationships are dynamic and a wedding ring may provide false security. But this concern should not be overstated; after all, in many cases happiness lies in being satisfied with your own lot.
